April 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The customer in Florida who bought a salad at a local Walmart that contained a decomposed bat actually ate some of the salad before discovering the bat. So now he’s scared of bats and salads which sounds like the origin story for Fat Batman.

2. In a new interview, Eric Trump said his father’s decision to bomb Syria was influenced by his sister Ivanka being “heartbroken and outraged” over the recent chemical attacks. So, heads-up, Nordstrom.

3. On Tuesday, Caitlyn Jenner announced that she underwent genital surgery in January. The weird thing is she had surgery to make it bigger.

4. A group of Japanese scientists said they plan to be the first group to successfully drill into the Earth’s mantle which lies just beneath the outer crust. Although, if they want to be first they better hurry up because Sean Spicer has been digging himself a pretty big hole everyday.

5. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. That story again, the popular MTV show “Teen Mom” is getting a prequel.

6. Hundreds of condoms that clogged a city sewer pipe led police to raid a massage parlor in Texas and arrest two people for prostitution. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there, never use a condom when you’re with a prostitute.

7. A 5-year-old North Carolina girl asked for and received a Costco-themed birthday party. And because her parents shopped for supplies for the party at Costco, that’ll be the theme for her next twenty birthday parties too.

8. A cash-strapped Brazilian soccer team is now using its players’ jersey numbers to advertise the prices of certain items at local supermarket. So maybe this guy was just advertising a really good deal:

9. Rapper 50 Cent punched a female fan in the chest after she pulled him off the stage while performing in Baltimore Monday night. But, in 50’s defense, before he punched her, he offered her a $400 and a $800 voucher.

10. The IRS is warning people of a new widespread scam in which hackers file and your taxes and then steal your tax return. But, on the plus side, your taxes are done.

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