Tag Archives: Sesame Street

May 20, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A 1986 “Rabbit” sculpture by artist Jeff Koons sold for $91.1 million  on Wednesday. It’s the most money someone’s paid for a bunny since:

2. Kris and Kourtney Kardashian took a break from shooting their reality show to unveil wax figures of themselves at Madame Tussaud’s on Thursday. Luckily Rob Kardashian didn’t have to take a break as he happened to be working that shift at Madame Tussaud’s. 

3. This week, Mr. Ratburn from the children’s show “Arthur” came out as gay and got married to another man in the show’s 22nd season premiere. So your move Squidward:

4. This week, the children’s cartoon “Arthur” gained attention yesterday for airing an episode featuring a character’s gay wedding. So if you thought Bert was mad a Ernie for dragging his feet before.

5. Actor Bruce Willis was booed by an entire baseball stadium Wednesday when he bounced the ceremonial first pitch before a Phillies game. Willis hasn’t disappointed a crowd of that size since “The Return of Bruno”:

6. According to a new study, British people get drunk more than any other nationality. Which makes sense, because if you were British you would try to forget that you’re responsible for Piers Morgan too.

7. On Thursday President Trump revealed a plan for a new merit-based immigration system. And there is no question in my mind how he thinks that will work:

8. According to a new study, penis extension surgery doesn’t work. And just like that, Porsche salesmen everywhere rest easy.

9. Lions Gates Entertainment offered to sell cable channel Starz to CBS Corp for $5.5 billion. Man, at $29.99 per month, I thought I overpaid for Starz.

10.  Actress Felicity Huffman tearfully pleaded guilty in a federal court on Monday to paying to rig a college entrance exam for her daughter. The judge said he knew her tears were heartfelt because she saw ‘Georgia Rule’ and know she’s not that good of an actress.

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

July 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Since taking office, President Trump has yet to visit the Democratic stronghold of California. But, in his defense, that’s where Tiffany lives.

2. Last week, ‘Sesame Street’ aired a segment on immigrants right before President Trump’s travel ban went into effect. In response, Trump threatened to use ‘The National Enquirer’ to out Bert and Ernie.

3. According to a new study, women find men with scruff attractive as short-term partners, but gravitate to men with full beards for long-term relationships. It’s like I always say, you fuck Michael J. Fox, but you marry Teen Wolf:

4. Police in Detroit are looking for a bald man who allegedly stole seven boxes of Rogaine from a local Walgreens. The week before a man with a full head of hair stole nine boxes, but no one said anything because he looked so confident and sure of himself.

5. According to a new study, longterm breastfeeding can lead to cavities. Although I think cavities are the least of your concerns if you’re still breastfeeding even though your kid has teeth.

6. An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to a police department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby. Said the man upon arrest, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. The Pittsburgh house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The listing is scaring many people away because even if you manage to crawl out of the hole in the basement, you’re still in Pittsburgh.

8. Last week, a die-hard soccer fan from Mexico, told his wife that he was stepping out to buy cigarettes, then boarded a plane to Germany and drove to Russia to watch his national soccer team play in the Confederations Cup. Ironically, ever since his wife found out that he skipped out on her to watch a soccer game, he’s be forced to use his hand.

9. Authorities in Queens are trying to stop sections of Rockaway Beach from eroding and literally getting washed away. Although, I’m of the opinion, the less there is of Queens, the better.

10. Licensed prostitutes in Nevada, working in legal brothels, are organizing against the Republican-led American Health Care Act they say will devastate them. Which makes sense, because if Republican lawmakers are busy writing the bill, they won’t have time to hire them.

March 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Earlier this week, Alexei Navalny, a prominent critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was doused with a liquid that turned his skin bright green by an unknown assailant. And, apparently if you’re an prominent supporter of Putin they’ll douse you with an orange liquid:

2. According to a new survey, 1 in 4 people believe robots would make better politicians. Or, as Mitt Romney found out in 2012, not enough to get elected.

3. This week, architects unveiled plans for a building called Big Bend, a U-shaped structure that would be New York City’s longest. Although, if they really want to make it authentic New York they should add two smaller buildings on each side:

4. On Wednesday, Donald Trump ended an interview with Time Magazine by saying “I’m the President and you’re not.” So, after weeks of building up confidence by practicing that phrase in the mirror, it sounds like he’s finally ready to say it to Steve Bannon’s face.

5. A Colorado talk radio host, who once chaired the state Republican Party and has accused Democrats of widespread voter fraud, was charged on Wednesday with forging his ex-wife’s signature on a mail-in ballot in the 2016 election. Although, I bet her signature on the divorce papers was authentic.

6. A brewery in San Diego is selling beer made from treated sewage water. That story again, a brewery in San Diego is filtering Coors Lite and relabeling it.

7. A member of pop band One Direction claims that Donald Trump once kicked the band out of a Trump hotel because they refused to meet one of his daughters. And I’m guessing the daughter in question was Ivanka, because not even Trump himself meets with Tiffany.

8. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” Whereas the President doesn’t seem to be aware that turning your phone off is even option:

9. The White House announced this week that President Trump will give the commencement speech at Liberty University in May. “So, death, I guess,” said Patrick Henry.

10. During an interview on Monday, professional golfer Tiger Woods said he’s “trying everything” to be in shape for this year’s Masters tournament. “Define ‘everything,’” said his girlfriend.

11. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Which is great because then Press Secretary Sean Spicer can seamless transition to the crazy, wavy arms guy out front:

12. President Donald Trump’s proposal to do away with the federal agency that investigates chemical accidents drew sharp criticism from environmental, labor and safety advocates. And anyone who wants to figure out once and for all why he’s that shade of orange.

13. According to reports, Fox News pundit Sean Hannity travels with a personal sensei who teaches him judo and recently pulled a gun on a correspondent after having an argument on-air. That incredible story again, the Sean Hannity you see on TV is the sanest, least crazy version of that guy.

14. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “Any room in there?” said Big Bird to Oscar.

15. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “I guess, to save money we gotta go back to sleeping in the same bed,” said a surprisingly upbeat Bert and Ernie.

16. More than 20,000 people living in U.S. nursing homes experienced serious injuries to their face last year. But, the despite that, the fight clubs are still worth it.

17. While speaking at a LGBTQ ceremony over the weekend, pop singer Katy Perry said, despite the lyrics to her 2008 hit song, she did more than just kiss a girl. “Way ahead of you,” said guys day-dreaming.

18. A male porn star who appeared in around 600 scenes has revealed that he quit the industry due the toll it took on his penis. Not to be confused with the toll Kim Kardashian charges per penis.

19. A man in China proposed to his girlfriend using a 33-ton meteorite instead of the traditional diamond ring. That story again, a man in China is still single.

20. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Wow, it’s almost like a wall was completely ineffective at keeping him, or for that matter anyone, out.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.

2. A busty contestant on France’s version of “Wheel of Fortune” suffered multiple wardrobe mishaps live on air. Not to be outdone, Alex Trebek whipped out his dong during Double Jeopardy:
trebek1

3. According to a new study, sex toys contain less dangerous chemicals than children’s toys. “Don’t you just mean ‘toys’?” said Woody Allen.

4. An inside source says that the plethora of negative media has prevented Donald Trump from “enjoying” his first few days in the White House. Well, at least he hides it well:
trump-unhappy

5. This week President Trump said that he is “to a large extent, an environmentalist.” In fact, he’s such a big fan of the environment that he models his look after the sun:
trump-tan

6. A security video shows a music store thief in Texas shove an entire guitar down his pants. He was able to do so because of his tiny piccolo.

7. According to a new study, climate change is making birds uglier. And they may have point because this is what Big Bird used to look like:
big-bird

8. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.

9. Singer Chrisette Michele says her family has cut ties with her after she performed at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Luckily for the band 3 Doors Down, their family members disowned them a long time ago.

10. On Wednesday, Trump Hotels announced plans to expand in the U.S. by tripling their locations. But you gotta be careful because the last Trump expansion led to Tiffany and Eric.

July 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. It appears that large portions of Melania Trump’s Monday night speech to the Republican National Convention were lifted from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Convention speech. So, maybe Donald Trump has a point, immigrants are lazy.

2. An episode of Nickelodeon’s cartoon “The Loud House” will introduce a same-sex married couple this month, thus making history by becoming the first children’ show to feature a married gay couple. Said a visibly irritated Ernie to Bert.

3. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Bill Cosby is now completely blind and practically homebound. But, on the plus side, chicks love dogs:
dog

4. Nearly a dozen staffers from the California Republican party, staying at a hotel in Ohio for the Convention, have developed severe gastrointestinal symptoms that could be Norovirus. Or, more likely, the reality of the whole thing is beginning to sink in.

5. RNC communications director Sean Spicer appeared on CNN yesterday to defend Melania Trump by comparing bits of her speech to phrases that have been used by other big names, including Twilight Sparkle from “My Little Pony.” “I knew that speech sounded familiar,” said Joe Biden.

6. On Tuesday, Donald Trump said he doesn’t plan to fire anybody or take disciplinary action over the controversy surrounding Melania’s plagiarism of a Michelle Obama speech. “But, just to be safe, I’ll wait by my phone,” said Trump’s divorce attorney.

7. Yesterday Wright State University announced that it will not host the presidential debate scheduled to take place on its campus in September, thus causing the debate to be moved to Hofstra University. Thus solidifying Hofstra’s reputation as the ultimate safety school.

8. In a recent interview, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said Donald Trump reminds him of Ronald Reagan. But, I assume, that’s because Trump’s speech writers have been plagiarizing old Reagan speeches.

9. World Wrestling Entertainment was sued on Monday by Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka seeking to hold it responsible for neurological injuries he claims to have suffered while participating in WWE matches. Said Mr Superfly, “I had no idea I was doing myself permanent damage when I was getting hit in the head with a steel chair.”

10. A Pennsylvania mother and her friend have been accused of driving with the woman’s two young children stuffed in the trunk of a red Corvette. “That’s despicable, you’ll ruin a perfectly good Corvette that way,” said Casey Anthony.

June 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 British men can’t see their own penis. “So, if you think about it, I was actually performing a community service,” said George Michael.

2. Concerned Wall Streeters are warning Hillary Clinton that if she picks notoriously anti-big bank Senator Elizabeth Warren as her running-mate that large donations from the financial industry will vanish. And, of course, the quickest way to get those donations to disappear is to send them to Hillary in an email containing the word “Benghazi.”

3. A man in the U.K. was caught masturbating with an eggplant on a city bus. And, even more embarrassing for the man, no one was confused by which one was the eggplant.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the house Paul Ryan responded to Democrats staging a sit in on the floor of the House of Representatives to protest the lack of action on gun control by demanding that all cameras in the chambers be shut off. A policy that Ryan probably should have adopted much earlier:
paul ryan

5. In a new interview, Democrat Bernie Sanders said “It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” So it looks like Bernie is going with the new campaign strategy of pity, which explains his new slogan:
bernie sign

6. Researchers in the Netherlands have discovered that birds are able to grasp the basics of grammar. Although, it’s taking this bird a really fucking long time to do so:
big bird

7. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ women in Saudi Arabia use bumper cars at amusement parks to practice driving. While men in Saudi Arabia use that game where you throw a baseball at a pyramid of bottles to practice stoning women to death for driving.

8. This week, a woman in Texas woke up from surgery with an English accent. Okay, but what’s Madonna’s excuse?

9. A professor in Britain is predicting that in the future the rich will hunt humans for sport. So maybe Dick Cheney and George Zimmerman were just ahead of their time.

10. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. “You’re in movies?” said Oscar voters.

April 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unveiled draft legislation legalizing doctor-assisted suicide. “We could have solved a lot of problems if you had enacted this years earlier,” said Justin Bieber’s pediatrician.

2. Before Ted Cruz was a senator he defended a law that would have banned the sale of dildos. The use of fake dicks offended him because he is such a genuine dick.

3. Wednesday night CNN hosted a town hall with Donald Trump and his family. Trump said he was happy to be surrounded by loved ones, so I guess there were also mirrors on stage.

4. According to a new study, kids who are constantly sick early in childhood may have a much harder time in school than their peers who don’t have a history of chronic illness. That story again, being sick is bad, keep up the good work scientists.

5. A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. So congratulations, you’re Khloe.

6. A nearly invisible train made from semi-reflective and semi-transparent materials is scheduled to debut in Tokyo in 2018. Or, maybe it’s already debuted.

7. An Iowa man was arrested over the weekend for masturbating for three hours while riding a bus. His fellow passengers on the city bus said the scene was so gross they could barely masturbate themselves.

8. A team of sniffer dogs set up at a British airport at a cost of $1.7 million have proved adept at discovering small amounts of cheese and sausages but not so good at finding smuggled drugs. The report is kind of a mixed bag for Rob Ford. (I know he’s dead but until another fat drug addict steps forward he’s all I got)

9. According to new research, men in the top 1% of wealth can expect to live until age 87.3, nearly 15 years longer than those in the bottom 1%. Especially since men in the top 1% pay men in the bottom 1% to fight each other to the death for their amusement.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City on April 15th. And, if Bernie is granted an audience with the Pope, it will be one of the few times the Pope doesn’t have the most ridiculous thing on his head.

11. Last week, a San Diego mother was asked to leave Disneyland for showing too much cleavage. When asked for a comment, Roger Rabbit said:
roger rabbit

12. Afghanistan’s version of “Sesame Street” has introduced a new six-year-old girl puppet named Zari. She will be just like all the other puppets except no one will teach her the letter of the day.

13. Last week, a 25-year-old woman in India, who thought she was pregnant with one baby, went into labor two months early and surprisingly gave birth to five babies. Good thing India doesn’t have an over-population problem.

14. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have canceled an upcoming show in North Carolina, in response to the state’s recently enacted anti-LGBT law. Said Nickelback, “We’ve done that before. ‘LGBT’ stands for ‘Lack of General-population Buying Tickets’ right?”

15. A New Jersey Man who has been flying a Donald Trump campaign flag in his front yard may face jail time for illegally posting political signage more than 30 days before an election. The flag, much like Trump himself, is even more offensive when the winds picks up:
trump hair

16. Three castaways were rescued on Thursday after a U.S Navy aircraft spotted the word ‘help’ spelled out with palm leaves on the beach of a remote Pacific Island. “A concise and thought out plan to get off an island, what a novel idea,” said the writers of “Lost.”

17. The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have forced all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And here is an image of them scientifically collecting that data:
dog hump

18. The company that created Viagra has called off a planned merger with the company that created Botox that would have created the largest pharmaceutical company in the world. So, for the now, the largest pharmaceutical company remains Courtney Love’s medicine cabinet.

19. President Obama said the worst mistake of his presidency was a lack of foresight regarding the 2011 toppling and death of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. “Ditto” said Gadhafi.

20. Famed Spanish magician Sticky Vicky has retired at the age of 72. Said Vicky, “And now, for my final trick, is this your AARP card?”