July 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a federal criminal complaint, a Massachusetts man was arrested for providing aid to ISIS after his father, a Boston police captain, alerted authorities. Said the officer, “My son is wicked wicked.”

2. According to reports, the Pentagon could in the coming months lift the ban on transgender people openly serving in the U.S. military. It would be part of the army’s new “Don’t Ask, Can’t Tell” policy.

3. Yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America Executive Committee unanimously approved allowing gay adults to serve as scout leaders. So, I guess, those neckerchiefs aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

4. On Monday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced his candidacy for president of the United States, bringing the grand total of Republican candidates to 15. At this point, even the Octomom thinks this is getting outta hand.

5. Yesterday, a former bartender from Ohio accused of threatening to kill U.S House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner in October was found guilty by reason on insanity. Which, coincidentally, now makes the bartender qualified to run for Congress.

6. On Monday, NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft found that Pluto is much larger than scientist previously thought. As Kourney said to Kim, “I’m being overshadowed by your anus.”

7. According to a new study, a quarter of the dogs competing in Britain’s Crufts, the world’s largest dog show, are overweight. Which means there will be stiff competition for this year’s Miss Congeniality award.

8. On Sunday, Oklahoma’s Olivia Jordan was crowned the winner of the Donald Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. “Yeah, I figured I didn’t have much of a chance,” said Miss New Mexico.

9. Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy on Monday. Even more ironic, I went to the movies last night and the guy who ripped my ticket was Usher.

10. Pope Francis defended himself against critics who accused him of preaching class warfare, saying that he’s just applying Catholic teachings to an economic system that is highly polarized between the rich and the poor. Then he got back into the Holy helicopter and returned to his gigantic, city-sized mansion that is full of priceless artifacts.

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