January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

May 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. So true, if I have one criticism of Trump, it’s that he’s too reserved with his thoughts:

2. Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour. “Good to know,” said Al Cowlings.

3. Pornography website Pornhub announced it will be giving away greeting cards that you can give to your mom on Mothers’ Day that turn into virtual reality headsets when folded open. That way, your mom can pretend she lives in a world where her kid doesn’t send her a porn card on Mothers’ Day.

4. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will host the revival of ‘American Idol’ that is set to air on ABC. When asked for comment, the host said, “Ryan Seacrest still hungry. Ryan Seacrest want more.”

5. The White House announced that Donald Trump will embark on his first international trip as President later this month, visiting multiple cities, including Vatican City. “Quick, close the blinds,” said the Pope.

6. A Danish brewery is using 50,000 liters of urine collected from the largest music festival in Northern Europe to produce a novelty beer. “Ew, gross, beer,” said Trump.

7. Following a “bad experience” at a Louisiana bookstore, a 71-year-old man returned and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s ‘Religion’ section. Everyone agreed they hadn’t seen a cabinet stocked with that many dildos since:

8. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The victim was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital where the doctor gave the shark a clean bill of health.

9. Last week, a 510-pound man broke into a Florida Burger King and drank more than 25 gallons of oil from the deep frier. But, in his defense, he also got a Diet Coke.

10. The sister of President Trump’s advisor and son-in law Jared Kushner was in China last week telling high-net worth individuals that if they invest $500,000 in a development in Jersey City they’ll be able to immigrate to the U.S. That’s immoral, tricking unsuspecting Chinese people into moving to Jersey.

February 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday President Trump said he hasn’t called Russia in ten years. Although I assume by ‘Russia’ he means ‘Tiffany.’

2. There was a mixup during Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony, that resulted in the statuette for Best Picture being taken away from ‘La La Land’ after it was already awarded to them. ”They can do that!?!?” asked a panicky Adrien Brody.

3. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, Mahershala Ali took home the trophy for Best Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Moonlight’ becoming the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Which, I assume, means no one won this year’s White House Oscar pool.

4. ABC’s Sunday night broadcast of the Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel drew the smallest audience since 2008. The only thing that drew less of an audience were the movies nominated for Best Picture.

5. President Donald Trump told several chief executives of large insurance companies on Monday that 2017 will be a “catastrophic” year for the Affordable Care Act. Although he probably didn’t need to add “for the Affordable Care Act” at the end of that sentence.

6. This week in England, fans of Crystal Palace Football Club inadvertently vandalized their own team’s bus thinking it was the bus of Middlesbrough, prior to a soccer match between the two rivals. And, if I know anything about embarrassing episodes on buses, I’m sure that it was somehow Billy Bush’s fault.

7. On Monday, a political website posted a photo of Robbie Gatti, a candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives, in black face. And, in related news, Donald Trump has named Robbie Gatti Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

8. A woman in Turkey has built a ‘cat ladder’ leading into her home that strays can use when it’s cold outside. It also serves as an escape ladder for any man who somehow finds himself in that home.

9. A Dutch woman approaching her 100th birthday persuaded local police to “arrest” her so she could check off an item on her bucket list. She was given a 48-hour sentence, or more accurately, a life sentence.

10. In a new interview, President Trump blamed the Academy Awards’ best picture mix-up on what he said was Hollywood’s misguided focus on politics. That story again, the host of a reality tv show said the entertainment industry should stay out of politics.

January 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Peter R. Rose, a Brooklyn police captain, apologized for remarks he made contrasting date rape with “true stranger rapes,” which he called “the troubling ones.” Staking a strong claim for worst guy named Pete Rose.

2. It is being reported that the folders displayed at Donald Trump’s press conference on Tuesday that supposedly were full of signed contracts turning his business over to his sons were actually blank sheets of paper. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he just got the folders containing the contracts and the folders containing his plan to replace Obamacare mixed up.

3. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted out praise for clothing company L.L. Bean. And, I think I figured why Trump is such a big fan of L.L. Bean:

4. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:

5. Yesterday, President Obama surprised Vice President Joe Biden by holding a press conference in the West Wing to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, even doing the honor of placing the award around Biden’s neck. The last time a president gave a co-worker a necklace in the White House, Bill gave it to Monica and the necklace was ‘pearl.’

6. French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen was seen at Trump Tower on Thursday, but a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said she did not meet with him. Which can only mean one thing, there’s no tape of Trump peeing on French prostitutes.

7. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

8. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. Other things she also done doing include sitting, walking and riding a bike.

9. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. But, on the plus side, her gynecologist has taken up spelunking.

10. The online classified advertising site Backpage.com abruptly shut its “adult” section on Monday, yielding to a campaign by state and federal government officials to close a service they contend promotes prostitution. So now, your mom will have to look for a new job.

11. A new study suggests that men who eat lots of red meat are much more likely to have bowel problems, pain and nausea than their peers who stick mainly with fish. But that’s just because Chipotle doesn’t sell fish.

12. A high-ranking Cardinal has complained after a McDonalds restaurant opened on Vatican owned property earlier this month, saying, “It would be better to use those spaces to help the needy of the area, spaces for hospitality, shelter and help for those who suffer.” Thus proving the Cardinal has never been to a McDonalds after 10PM.

13. According to a new study, kids born to obese parents may be more likely to experience certain developmental delays early in childhood. The study was conducted by watching one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

14. Scientists have observed Darwin bark spiders giving each other oral sex. Which can mean only one thing, Darwin bark spiders don’t get married.

15. Every Sunday night in Washington D.C. 84-year-old Alice Donahue fronts a rock band called “Granny and the Boys.” Which is a great back up plan if you can’t get tickets to the Rolling Stones.

16. Rappers Chris Brown and Soulja Boy have decided to settle their latest ‘beef’ with a pay-per-view boxing match. I just hope, not matter who wins, they both get brain damage.

17. A new study has determined that a regular afternoon nap can help preserve and improve one’s memory. “If that’s true, I’m screwed,” said Bill Cosby.

18. On Sunday, Pope Francis encouraged women attending a baptism ceremony in the Sistine Chapel to feel free to breastfeed their children in the church. Said one man in attendance, “See, sometimes prayer does work.”

19. Over the weekend, Google unveiled it’s newest breakthrough, a self-driving minivan. Which is brilliant because no one wants to be seen driving a minivan.

20. The bathrooms at Toyko’s Nartia International Airport now offers toilet paper specifically designed to clean travelers’ smartphones. “Yeah, I’m gonna need something stronger than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

August 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thousands gathered in Mexico City’s Chapultepec Park on Sunday to play Pokemon Go. Said Donald Trump, “It’s the perfect place to catch them all,” adding “what’s Pokemon?”

2. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Afterwhich, Bolt set the Olympic record for fastest walk of shame ever.

3. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Well to be fair, the picture is her next to a black, green and yellow blur, so it’s most likely Bolt.

4. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. But, in his defense, considering the sewage problems leading up to the games, Rio can always use another plumber.

5. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water:

6. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Although, if you’re eating enough KFC to earn free sunscreen, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you keep your shirt on at the beach.

7. Model Tyra Banks will be teaching a class at Stanford Business School next semester. Not to be outdone, billionaire Warren Buffett will be teaching a seminar on Doing Business in a Global Economy at Wharton in a two-piece bikini.

8. Yesterday, Eric Trump claimed his father Donald shamed President Obama by visiting flooded Louisiana first saying, “When there is a problem, when there is a natural disaster, when there is an issue, my father will be the first person there.” But, that’s only because he’ll probably be the one who caused it.

9. A lesbian couple in Australia allegedly robbed a nun at knifepoint and stole her rosary beads. Said the nun, “That’s gonna be 500 Hail Mary’s, plus a few for the rosary beads.”

10. According to new research, middle and lower-income children don’t visit eye doctors as often as wealthier kids. So, maybe, when a bully asks a nerd “What are you looking at?” he genuinely wants to know.

August 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Donald Trump supporter who identified himself as half-Indian was escorted out of a Trump rally on Thursday because security thought he resembled another man who had disrupted previous rallies. Said security, “Our mistake, half of you can stay.”

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, I say this from the bottom of my heart, Orangie, you’re doing a heck of a job.

3. Last week, French Olympic race walker Yohann Dinizeven shit himself, passed out and still finished eighth. And, although, there were 78 racers total, the guy who finished ninth and ran right behind Dinizeven the whole race is the real loser.

4. A grandmother in Illinois celebrated her 100th birthday by beating her grandkids in beer pong. Or, more likely, those kids are anxious to get their hands on the will and let her win.

5. Izzat Artykov, a male weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, became the first athlete at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics to be stripped of a medal after testing positive for rat poison. Which is bullshit, because I dare you to spend one day in Kyrgyzstan and not think about eating rat poison.

6. Paul Manafort resigned as chairman of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign on Friday. Manafort plans to spend more time at home with his loved ones, and by that, I assume he means he’s moving to the Ukraine.

7. Dick Assman, a Canadian man with an unusual name who rose to fame after being featured on the “Late Show with David Letterman,” died last week. He is survived by his wife Anita Assman, his kids Mya Assman and Imma Assman, and Kim Kardashian.

8. A substitute teacher in Pennsylvania has admitted to having sex with a 17-year-old student in a car parked in a cemetery earlier this year. Which explains why that kid was so looking forward to his grandfather’s funeral.

9. Researchers have now developed a world penis-size map. And, despite their geographical proximity, Africa and China have never been father apart.

10. A woman in the U.K. is selling her wedding dress on eBay to pay for her divorce. So, now I’m really concerned that she’s also selling baby clothes.

July 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, at the Democratic Convention, when speaking of her running mate, Hillary Clinton said, “for those of you just getting to know Tim Kaine.” Although, she could have saved a lot of time by saying, “Hey, everyone.”

2. During her speech last night at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton said, America has, “the most generous and tolerant young people we’ve ever had.” So tolerant and generous that they’ll hopefully vote for their second choice for the Democratic presidential nominee.

3. Last night Hillary Clinton said, “I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.” And, I gotta say, after practicing it in the mirror every night for the past eight years, she nailed it.

4. At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton’s speech last night at the Democratic Convention, the arena was covered in hundreds and hundreds of balloons. And, in keeping with that theme, the old, crotchety man from ‘Up’ made an appearance:

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday tried to quell the outrage over his call for Russia to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, saying he was being sarcastic. Said Trump, “Can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic? I raise my voice, gesticulate wildly with my arms and make over-the-top statements.”

6. According to a new study, people exposed to high lighting in the evening, and low lighting in the morning are more likely to gain weight. “What about fluorescent lighting?” said Chris Christie:
krisy kreme

7. The website of Melania Trump, wife of the Republican presidential nominee, was deleted from the internet on Wednesday amid questions of whether she actually earned the college degree she claimed on her site. But, if she didn’t get her degree, how do you explain this:

8. During his speech Tuesday night, Bill Clinton revealed that it took three tries to get Hillary to marry him. Same with Donald and Melania, except the first two were with other women.

9. During his speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night, Bill Clinton labeled his wife, Hillary, as a ‘change maker. Saying, “For instance, I used to sleep in the bed, she changed that, now I sleep on the sofa.”

10. According to a new report, it is completely safe to eat raw cookie dough. We’re just one announcement of Cheetos being good for you away from me being a fucking nutritionist.

11. On Friday, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke announced his intentions to run for U.S. Senate in the state of Louisiana. I’m not sure he’s qualified to be a senator but he definitely has the requisite experience to hammer down the wooden stakes needed to erect a campaign sign in front yards.

12. A rare flower that smells like a corpse is set to bloom this week in New York City. Once it blooms, it is expected to make the city smell better.

13. This week, the UK’s first double hand transplant operation took place and the patient says his new hands look “tremendous”. So, yeah, it’s exactly who you think it is:
trump hands

14. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

15. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.

July 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Germany is planning new legislation to require manufacturers of cars equipped with autopilot to install a black box to help determine responsibility in the event of an accident. As opposed to every car crash Billy Joel has ever been in which are always caused by a black box:
jack daniels

2. According to a new study, radiologists don’t agree on what qualifies as “dense breasts.” But they do agree that they need to keep studying the issue, and then they high-fived each other.

3. Last night presidential candidate Donald Trump made a surprise appearance at the Republican National Convention to introduce his wife Melanie. Although, it may have been a misstep to introduce her as “the next First Lady of the United States and my wife, for now, Melanie Trump.”

4. According to new pictures, former President George W. Bush has dyed his hair brown. The last time Bush had that much brown die on his hands, Katrina was hitting Louisiana.

5. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan welcomed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s choice of Mike Pence as a running mate on Friday, saying the Indiana governor comes from “the heart of the conservative movement.” While also noting that Trump himself comes from a different part of the body.

6. A former US intelligence director has revealed that laptops seized from ISIS fighters are filled up to 80% with pornography. Even more proof that we’re not so different, most of the pornographic material was contained in files named “death to the infidels stuff.”

7. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. Said the grandparents, “Now I kinda wish he didn’t call so often.”

8. Over the weekend, it was announced that actor Alden Ehrenreich will play young Han Solo in the next ‘Star Wars’ film. In addition, Seth Rogen will play a young Chewbacca.

9. An image of a mug for the University of North Texas, for sale in the school store, has gone viral because it appears to spell out the c-word. Even worse, the store was sued for copyright infringement by the gift shop for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

10. A nursing home has created a dating app called G-Date, short for grandparent date, to help its residents develop relationships. And, much like Tinder, people put out on the first date because, at their age, they’re not assured of a second one.

July 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said, if he were asked by Donald Trump to be his running mate it would not be am automatic yes. Presumably because he’d have to finish chewing the hoagie in his mouth before he could answer.

2. After David Cameron’s resignation in the wake of the Brexit vote, MP Theresa May is set to become Britain’s next leader, making her only the second female Prime Minister in the country’s history. “Not so fast,” said Sir Bernard Sanders:

3. A woman in Louisiana compared Taylor Swift’s vagina to a ham sandwich causing the hashtag #IfMyVaginaWereASandwich to trend on Twitter with female users suggesting which sandwich their intimate lady-parts most closely resemble. “Did we ever settle if a hotdog is a sandwich?” said Caitlyn Jenner.

4. When drugs for HIV suppress the virus in the blood to very low levels, patients are unlikely to infect their partners during condom-less sex. This according to a study Charlie Sheen is showing to ever porn star and prostitute in a 20 mile radius.

5. On Tuesday, reacting to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s recent comments that were critical of him, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump called Ginsburg “a disgrace to the court.” In response, Ginsburg referred Trump to the seminal court case of Rubber v. Glue.

6. A Maryland couple has been arrested and charged with animal cruelty after 310 dogs were rescued from their alleged puppy mill. 310!?! Even Cruella DeVille thinks that excessive.

7. Last week, the Pentagon announced two ISIS senior military commanders died last week in a U.S. airstrike in Syria. Or, as it is known over there, natural causes.

8. Author Elizabeth Gilbert has announced that she is separating from her husband of a decade after writing about their romance in the best selling book, “Eat, Pray, Love.” Apparently she was doing a little too much eating and not enough loving.

9. Last week, a man in Kentucky attempted to rob a Chuck E. Cheese during a job interview. Even sadder, he used his one phone call to see if he got the job.

10. On last week’s edition of “Celebrity Jeopardy,” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer ended the show with a balance of negative $4,600. Blitzer amassed such a deficient by answering every question with “Where is Malaysian Airlines flight 370?”