July 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention. But don’t worry if you missed it, you can catch all the highlights during Melania’s next speech.

2. President Obama’s half brother, Malik Obama, says he will vote for Republican nominee Donald Trump in November’s general election. In response, Barack questioned Malik’s ability to even vote in U.S. elections and demanded to see his long-form birth certificate.

3. During his speech to the Democratic Convention last night, Senator Bernie Sanders mentioned ‘Hillary Clinton’ fifteen times, ‘Donald Trump’ ten times and ‘President Obama’ three times. “Did you notice he didn’t mention God once?” said Debbie Wasserman Schultz?

4. A man in England shot himself in the cheek and posted the video online in a bid to launch his rap career. So I guess this one falls in the ‘Die Tryin’ column.

5. A hypnotherapist mother in California is using hypnosis as a parenting tool. And, laugh if you will, but the proof is in the pudding, she has two very well-behaved children and one who thinks she’s a chicken.

6. Norway announced an ambitious plan to install the world’s first floating underwater traffic tunnels. So I guess Ted Kennedy was just ahead of his time.

7. A new study has found that birds, crickets and frogs that live in large cities are increasingly singing off-key due to loud city noise. This holds especially true the nights that Ke$ha is in town.

8. A judge in Wisconsin got a much-needed kidney donation from a fellow judge. “You assholes said that wasn’t allowed!” said the ghost of Antonin Scalia.

9. Rap group Insane Clown Posse and its fans are planning a march on Washington D.C. to protest the FBI. It will be the largest gathering of clowns in D.C. since Congress the previous day.

10. On Monday, Matteo Salving, the leader of Italy’s anti-immigrant Northern League, compared the woman speaker of the lower house of parliament to an inflatable sex doll. But, in Matteo’s defense, with misogynistic comments like that, I bet he’s quite the authority on inflatable sex dolls.

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