May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?

October 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

2. Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee said he will remain in the race as long as he is able to raise important issues and tackle difficult questions. Questions like “Who are you?” and “What are you doing here?”

3. U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal raised only $579,438 in the last quarter. So it turns out you can raise $579,438 on pity alone.

4. Last week, General Mills announced a social media contest where ten winners will receive a box of marshmallow-only Lucky Charms. Which explains why the cereal’s new slogan is “They’re always after me diabetes.”

5. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

6. Halloween masks of fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman are flying off the shelves in Mexico. Dressing up and parading around as a country’s most-wanted fugitive in that country, what could possibly go wrong?

7. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

8. On Sunday, Zambians took part in a national day of prayer, asking God to help their struggling country. “Yeah, that shit don’t work,” said Michigan fans.

9. According to the latest campaign finance report, Republican Donald Trump spent more money on hats, bumper stickers, yard signs and t-shirts than he did on anything else. Which, in couple of months, will come in handy for some poor kids in Africa who are wearing “2014 Seattle Seahawks Superbowl Champions” shirts.

10. Stephen Ross, owner of the NFL’s Miami Dolphins, launched a nonprofit organization on Friday aimed at combating racism by using sports to promote “understanding, respect and equality.” Ross said he decided to try to end racism because he wanted a task that was not as difficult as making the Dolphins good.

June 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, half of the apartment complexes in close range to two Texas Universities offer free, on-site, indoor tanning beds. When tanning expert Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was asked for her opinion on the matter, she said, “What’s a university?”

2. According to a new survey, a powered prosthetic leg that predicts when the wearer is about to take steps on flat or inclined surfaces, or climb stairs, helped improve prosthesis control. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius’s leg will now when he’s about to commit a murder before he does.

3. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld now said that the goal of creating democracy in Iraq was “unrealistic” and that he was “concerned” when he first heard the idea floated by President George W. Bush. But not as concerned as the first time he heard the phrase “President George W. Bush.”

4. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman A.J. Francis, who earns $510,000 a year, moonlights as an Uber driver in his spare time. Francis, who knows the city well, can take passengers anywhere they want to go, unless, of course, they want to go to the playoffs.

5. Actress Jennifer Aniston honored her dead dog by having his name tattooed on her foot. She also tattooed Brad Pitt’s name on her other foot hoping the trend will continue.

6. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly making a movie about their lives. The film will be shot in IMAX to fit both Kim’s ass and Kanye’s head into the picture.

7. Germans need to overcome their traditional fear of the large scale collection of personal data by companies and instead embrace its opportunities or risk being marginalized in the global economy, Chancellor Angela Merkel said on Tuesday. Or, at least, that’s what she wrote in a private email to one of her advisors.

8. New research suggests, constant stress on the job doesn’t necessarily lead to people gaining weight. So, yeah, you’re doing that now you’re own, tubby.

9. In a new magazine spread, singer Miley Cyrus poses naked, covered in mud, wrestling a pig. So I guess she really is Billy Ray’s daughter.

10. In an interview over the weekend, GOP presidential candidate Lindsey Graham said, “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she’s welcome in my party … I’m into addition.” Unfortunately Caitlyn’s a little more focused on subtraction at the present moment.

June 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Mitt Romney said that Hillary Clinton’s political career has been a “monumental bust.” Said Bill Clinton, “Trust me, her bust isn’t that impressive.”

2. According to a new study, men who keep their cell phones in their pockets have a 10% lower sperm count than men who don’t. So quick, someone get Kevin Federline a lot of cell phones.

3. Last weekend, the second annual smallest penis pageant took place in Brooklyn, New York. Although it seems like it would have made more sense to hold it in Chinatown.

4. A 64-year-old California man was arrested after he allegedly cooked meth in his apartment at a retirement home. Upon arrest, the man proclaimed, “Say my name! … Seriously, I’ve done a lot of meth and I’m pretty old, who am I?”

5. 9-year-old, 3rd grader Jaden Newman is such a basketball standout at her elementary school that she has already received a full recruiting packet from the University of Miami and taken her first recruiting trip to campus. Plus, since she already reads at a 3rd-grade-level, if she enrolled today, she’d be at the head of the class.

6. Former Secretary of State and potential 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton sat down for a live interview with FoxNews last night. It was the first time Hillary appeared on the conservative news channel since they hung her in effigy.

7. Miami-Dade County lawmakers agreed on Tuesday to commit tax revenues to the Miami Dolphins if it can attract big-ticket events like the Super Bowl or World Cup soccer to its privately owned stadium. Which seems unlikely because most Dolphins fans are completely unfamiliar with one of those events and the other is the World Cup.

8. A football stuffed with heroin and cell phones was hurled into a Michigan state prison yard earlier this week. The football made it over the fence and landed on target in the yard, so we can rule out Tim Tebow as a suspect.

9. A group of Chicago-area nuns is suing a strip club that is located behind their convent, complaining of noise, glaring neon lights, fist fights and litter including empty whiskey bottles and used condoms. If fist fights and whiskey upsets them, I’m guessing they’re not Irish Catholic nuns.

10. According to a new study, office workers who spend long hours looking at computer screens have changes in their tear fluid similar to people with the disease known as dry eye. Which is why I always take a least one break every hour to stare at the screen on my cell phone.

June 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama says his dream now is to take a stroll, by himself, away from the White House. “Finally, something we agree on,” said Republicans.

2. Actor Jonah Hill is apologizing for saying “suck my dick, you faggot,” to a paparazzo over the weekend. But, in Hill’s defense, he was just getting into character for his upcoming role in the Alec Baldwin biopic.

3. Actor Jonah Hill is apologizing for saying “suck my dick, you faggot,” to a paparazzo over the weekend. “Make sure to cup the balls, he likes that,” said Seth Rogen.

4. According to a new study, young women whose high school friends have had babies are more likely to follow suit. It’s a phenomenon that scientists are calling interesting and the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom” are calling necessary.

5. A porn star announced she is running against Toronto mayor Rob Ford in the upcoming election. Citizens say it would be comforting to know that if their mayor got videotaped smoking crack it wouldn’t be the worst thing she’s ever done on tape.

6. President Obama established a group on Monday to handle the growing influx of children coming to the U.S. illegally without parents or relatives accompanying them. Specifically, Obama told Dora to stop being such a fucking explorer.

7. According to “the Star Ledger,” over the weekend, the New York Mets destroyed the record at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia for most cheesesteaks eaten in a single day by a visiting ballclub. Said one Mets official, “Get the trophy case out of storage.”

8. A new study suggests, something about being circumcised may offer men a degree of protection from developing prostate cancer later in life. Leaving 40-year-old, uncircumcised men with a very difficult decision.

9. Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino on Tuesday said he will withdraw from a lawsuit that accuses the NFL of hiding the effects of concussions because he was inadvertently listed as a plaintiff in the case. Said Marino, “I don’t know how an average Joe like me was added to this suit. I’m pretty sure I’d remember playing football in the NFL.”

10. On Tuesday, NASA said they have figured out a way to put wireless internet access on the moon. Apparently they got their hands on Mercury’s password.

February 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend the U.S. men’s hockey team prevailed over host nation Russia in a dramatic overtime shootout. Then, after the game, Russian President Vladimir Putin visited the Russian locker room and conducted a “shootout” of his own.

2. Former Congressman Mel Reynolds has been arrested in Zimbabwe after state media reported the convicted sex offender had been found with pornography in a local hotel. Said Reynolds, “Where can I do this?”

3. According to a new study, when picking a new doctor, most people factor reviews left on ratings websites into their decisions. “People are reading things online about their doctors? That’s not good for me,” said Conrad Murray.

4. On Wednesday, a fisherman from El Salvador who says he spent 13 months adrift in the Pacific Ocean, surviving on turtle blood and fish he caught with his bare hands, vowed he would not venture back out to sea. “But we apologized already and gave you a voucher,” said Carnival Cruise Lines.

5. President Obama said on Friday he is considering new ways to pressure the government of Syria and President Bashar al-Assad. First step, say hello to the new Syrian ambassador Dennis Rodman.

6. Eleanor Roosevelt was named the greatest first lady of the United States in a survey of historians released on Saturday. Eleanor edged out the second most popular response, “Who gives a shit.”

7. Last week a bill was introduced in Romania’s Parliament that, if successful, would grant dolphins the same rights as humans due to their developed intelligence. “You know that I’m against all dolphins being treated equally,” said Richie Incognito.

8. A South Carolina woman was sentenced to spend a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of “Monster-in-Law” she rented in 2005. The judge settled on one night in jail after determining that the woman who watched “Monster-in-Law” had already suffered enough.

9. Four days after Valentine’s Day, 1-800-Flowers is still apologizing via Twitter and Facebook to the nearly 400 customers whose flowers never showed up. Said one dissatisfied customer, “I swear I didn’t forget, sweetie. I ordered flowers ahead of time. See? Look at this tweet …oh, don’t call me an asshole.”

10. According to a new study, the negative physical and mental effects tied to bullying among children and teens may accumulate throughout the years, So keep it up bullies, it’s working.

November 11, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out on Saturday against members of the Republican party who agreed to end the government shutdown. Palin said, “Government works better when there are less people involved, look how efficient Alaska has been since I resigned.”

2. Over the weekend, Twitter’s chief financial officer, who was responsible for the company’s recent public offering, said his overriding goal was to avoid becoming the next Facebook. “Be careful what you wish for,” said MySpace.

3. According to a new study from Detroit, the nicer the neighborhood sidewalks, the more active people tend to be. I don’t know about that, there seems to be a whole lot of running on “Cops.”

4. World number one golfer Tiger Woods said he thoroughly enjoyed playing in the inaugural Turkish Airlines Open over the weekend, but refused to commit to attending the event next year. Said organizers of the event, “We read you loud and clear, more whores next year.”

5. On Friday, CEO Richard Branson went on the Today Show to announced that he has come to terms with NBC to broadcast the inaugural flight of his Virgin Galactic Spaceship rocket plane into space. Reportedly NBC agreed to the plan once Virgin guaranteed Ann Curry a one-way ticket for the trip.

6. A Texas company says it has made the first metal gun using a 3-D printer. The company has also developed an incurable form of super-AIDs, posted everyone’s social security number online and had sex with you sister.

7. Neuroscientists have taught monkeys to control a pair of virtual arms using only their thoughts. Scientists say the hardest part was making the virtual feces look realistic.

8. Newly re-elected New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, widely considered a potential 2016 presidential candidate, on Sunday declined to say whether he would serve out his full four-year term as governor. Said Christie, “When you look like me, you avoid making plans too far into the future.”

9. According to a new study, toddlers who continue to use bottles beyond 12 to 15 months of age tend to be overweight. But maybe they wouldn’t hit the bottle so hard if you stopped calling them fat.

10. Police in St. Petersburg, Florida have arrested a 15-year-old girl who they say sent several hundred threatening texts to three other 15-year-old girls. No word on who will replace her, while she’s in custody, as the starting right guard on the Miami Dolphins.