April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

February 19, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new app has launched in the UK that allows farmers to swipe through profiles of cows to find good breeding partners for their cattle. “Yeah … my cattle,” said one very lonely farmer. 

2. The French Fencing Federation has officially recognized lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport. Now comes the hard part for those athletes, having their fathers officially recognize them as their sons.

3. According to the results of his annual physical examination, President Trump has gained weight over the past year and is now in the obese range. Which is ironic, because ‘obese range’ is the Secret Service code name for whichever SUV Trump is riding in:

4. Indonesian police have apologized after officers draped a live snake around the neck of a suspect during an interrogation session. In related news, Louis CK has sued those police officers for stealing his act. 

5. This week it was announced that  “Last Call with Carson Daly” will be ending this year. For the past seventeen years Carson Daly hosted a pop-culture talk show at one-thirty in the morning and, not, as I assumed when I watched, it an hour-long infomercial for boredom. 

6. According to a new study, eating “ultraprocessed” foods increases one’s risk of an early death. “Look, I’m trying,” said Melania:

7. Paramount Studios confirmed Monday that a sequel to “Coming to America” will hit theaters in 2020. According to reports, the plot of the movie consists of Eddie Murphy’s character leaving his home country of Zamunda for America, being stopped at the border by Customs and Border agents, and then the credits roll.

8.  Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. Said police, “Why didn’t you say found a tiger and then just stop talking?”

9. Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. So either someone’s been living with a tiger in that building or that’s some really good weed.

10. A man in Virginia was arrested for projecting porn onto his garage door. But that was only after his wife once again said no to the backdoor.

11. President Trump on Friday declared a national emergency in a bid to fund his promised border wall without congressional approval. But, as Trump himself will tell you, he does his best work without approval:

12. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. That definitely doesn’t sound like the pro-life President Trump we all know, he rarely pays for services rendered.

13. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. Or, as President Trump undoubtedly thinks of it, one too few:

14. On Saturday, President Trump’s choice for ambassador to the United Nations, Heather Nauert, withdrew herself from consideration for the job citing ‘family reasons.’ “I wish I would have thought of that excuse,” said Melania.

15. The scientist who popularized the term “global warming” died this week at the age of 87. But it felt like 96.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Friday, a truck hauling eels over-tuned on an Oregon highway. But that’s still not the slimiest thing that’s happened on a road recently:

2. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

3. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

4. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

6. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “I wish you had told me that before he broke my heart,” said Robin:

7. Pope Francis has a ‘No Whining’ sign on the door to his residence in the Vatican. Even worse, during confessional, he frequently tells church-goers to “grow a pair.”

8. Shaquille O’Neal wants to own 100 Krispy Kreme donut shops. And, apparently, he’s been letting his buddy Charles Barkley do the research:

9. United Airlines is considering a new system to resell your seat for a higher price in exchange for a reward. But, if you think about it, isn’t not having to fly United reward enough?

10. Due to low passing rates, the state of California said it will make its bar exam easier to pass. Which is good news, because at the rate in which the Trump White House is hiring attorneys, we’re gonna running out real soon.

February 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dubai police have summoned a Russian model who posed for a video while dangling from a skyscraper to sign a pledge not to put her life in danger again. That unbelievable story again, someone in Dubai values a woman’s life.

2. The United Arab Emirates announced that it wants to establish a city on Mars by 2117. “You had me at sending Arabs to Mars,” said Trump.

3. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

4. There are workshops popping up around Germany that teach children how to hold a match and light fires safely. Which explains Germany’s version of Smokey the Bear’s new motto, “Only you can prevent forest fires, but come look how cool this shit is!”

5. According to a new poll, a majority of Trump supporters believe the media is their enemy. So, strike two, Univision.

6. During a town hall in Arkansas Wednesday night, a 7-year-old boy asked Senator Tom Cotton not to cancel PBS Kids so that President Trump can build his wall. Which is ironic, because PBS Kids is where Trump first got the idea to build the wall:
dora

7. In a recent interview Mariah Carey said she’s incapable of living in the real world. So true, the real world can be a scary place, for instance, sometimes you turn on the TV and ‘Glitter’ is on.

8. President Donald Trump said on Thursday he wants to ensure the U.S. nuclear arsenal is at the “top of the pack,” saying the United States has fallen behind in its weapons capacity. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

10. According to a new study, men who don’t exercise regularly have stronger sexual libidos than men who do. Thus, doing the impossible, making me somehow feel worse for Melania.

11. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Her bail hearing will be on Thursday and his funeral will be on Friday.

12. This week, Pope Francis expressed displeasure with the current smartphone culture, proclaiming that texting at the dinner table could lead to war. A comment that seems directed at one, specific person:
trump-tweeting

13. King Salman of Saudi Arabia will visit Indonesia next month, along with his 1,500 person entourage. Finally answering the age-old question, what would it look like if MC Hammer ran a country.

14. According to reports, Fukushima survivors are being urged to return to the nuclear disaster site by the Japanese government despite radiation levels similar to Chernobyl. Although, if they were really affected by the radiation, the government could probably just use a magnet to drawn them back.

15. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Begging the question, if Herbert Raymond McMaster and Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III are in D.C., who’ll be tryin’ to catch dem Duke boys?

16. Before introducing her husband at his rally in Florida, First Lady Melania Trump led the crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. And it really was inspiring, to think that the woman who has lived with Donald Trump for the past 12 years still believes in God.

17. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ McKinnon ordered the sea bass, while Hillary ordered a full investigation into Trump’s ties with Russia.

18. 10,000 men dressed in loin-cothes gathered for the Naked Man Festival in Japan to scramble for a pair of lucky sticks blessed by a priest. Said every man at some point during the day, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s not one of the sticks!”

19. Researchers at the University of Toronto have discovered that only a handful of brain cells are linked to bad memories and they are able to delete single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. Begging the question, can they delete future memories, like, I don’t know, the entirety of the next four years?

20. According to a new study, doctors who feel burned out or overwhelmed by the demands of work are less likely to view their work with patients as a “calling” that has meaning. Does the same hold true if the doctor himself is a burn-out?:trump-doctor

July 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Johnny Depp altered the tattoo he had of former wife Amber Heard’s nickname on his knuckles to read “scum.” Oh Johnny, if only it were that easy to erase all of your mistakes:
mortdecai

2. The world’s most obese kid is a 423 pound Indonesia boy who is only 10-years-old. Or, as it’s referred to at that weight, middle-aged.

3. Nigerian militant group the Niger Delta Avengers said last week that its only Twitter account was suspended and all other accounts claiming to represent the group are false. So, at least for now, the best way to read the terror group’s hate-filled messages is to wait for Donald Trump to retweet them.

4. Snapchat announced a new feature that enables users to save their content, a big change for the social messaging app widely used for sending photos and videos that disappear in a day. And, in related news, Hillary Clinton has quit Snapchat.

5. According to sources, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie top Donald Trump’s short list to be his vice-presidential running mate. The last time Gingrich and Christie topped a list they were waiting for a table at a Cheesecake Factory. (They’re both rather tubby)

6. Bikes will be checked for hidden motors during stages of the Tour de France as part of plans to crack down on cheats in this year’s race. “Motors!?!” said a disgusted Lance Armstrong, “In my day you won the honest way, by replacing all the blood in your body with the blood of a better athlete.”

7. Marco Rubio, former rival to presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump, will skip the Republican National Convention. So, in this case, at least one child will be left behind.

8. A man in Tennessee was caught in bed with a mannequin he had stolen from the Hustler Hollywood store in downtown Nashville earlier that day. His wife was shocked by the news:
blow up doll1

9. A grandfather in California spent $6,500 to build a DisneyLand-themed park in his backyard to convince his grandchildren to visit more. Although, I don’t think it’s gonna work since Tomorrowland is just a bunch of crying kids standing over a coffin saying, “Why didn’t we spend more time with him.”

10. On Saturday, former New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter married girlfriend model Hannah Davis. Jeter tied the knot after a twenty-three year bachelor party.

December 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Unna, an 18-year-old killer whale who lived at the SeaWorld park in San Antonio, died on Monday. Trainers at the park said the hardest part about losing Unna is finding a toilet big enough to flush her down.

2. Actor Will Smith said he was “repelled” when he first read the script for his new movie “Concussion.” Not to be outdone, Smith was in the hospital for two weeks after reading “Wild Wild West.”

3. A Trans Am that was used to promote the 1977 classic movie Smokey and the Bandit will go up for auction early next year. It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking for a new car to pull their home.

4. On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia-based retail chain Jarir Bookstore said it has removed books written by presidential candidate Donald Trump from its shelves due to his proposed ban on Muslims. Or, as it was reported by Trump, “They can’t keep my book on the shelves over there.”

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has moved quickly to pick up some of Lindsey Graham’s supporters in South Carolina after Graham suspended his campaign. Said those supporters, “We want to lose twice.”

6. According to a report, by age two, many kids can unlock and navigate touch screens with ease. Or, as it was reported in China, potential workforce increases.

7. On Tuesday, director Quentin Tarantino received a star on a section of Hollywood’s Walk of Fame that sees very heavy foot traffic. Marking the first time that the star actually wanted to trade places with the star.

8. After a doctored image circulated online, IKEA was forced to shoot down rumors that one of its tables contained swastika imagery. Which is ridiculous, because swastika aside, that means someone actually put together a table from IKEA correctly.

9. A company has designed a line of new earthquake-proof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drop people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. The fortified box will keep the individual safe or, if not, serve as a very convenient coffin.

10. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight Monday near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. The robber would have stolen the agent’s pants if he had remembered to wear them to work that day.

11. According to a new report, as many as 3,200 criminals were mistakenly released too early from Washington state prisons due to calculation errors. That story again, there’s a reason the Seahawks are good this year.

12. A cafe that hires people with hearing impairments has opened in Indonesia. Begging the question, if all the people who have trouble hearing are working there, who’s getting your name wrong at Starbucks?

October 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mustard prices have jumped this fall to their highest level in seven years. Which means some of Chris Christie’s shirts are now worth a fortune.

2. According to a new poll, Dr. Ben Carson has pulled ahead of long-time Republican frontrunner Donald Trump in Iowa. But, I assume, that’s only because the poll did not offer a “none of the above” option.

3. Police in Round Rock tried for hours on Thursday to corral four emus on the loose that have been roaming through a residential area in the Austin, Texas. Begging the question, has anyone seen Lincoln Chafee lately?

4. China’s ruling Communist Party has listed golf and gluttony as violations. “Well, I can tell where I’m not wanted,” said John Daly.

5. A handful of white supremacist groups are upset that the lead actor in the upcoming “Star Wars” film is black. The groups were also upset that it took almost two full hours to finally get straight out of Compton.

6. The Department of Homeland Security sent a stern warning to the Secret Service after two officers were caught napping at their posts. But, in their defense, having sex with Brazilian hookers is really tiring.

7. Scientists in southern China have discovered 47 human teeth dating back at least 80,000 years. 80,000 years, taking into account inflation and the strength of the yen, the tooth-fairy owes those scientists approximately $30 gajillion.

8. UFC star Ronda Rousey is personally training actor Vin Diesels’s seven-year-old daughter int he art of judo. No word on who is teaching the girl to speak English.

9. On Wednesday, CNBC announced that Chris Christie, John Kasich and Rand Paul will round of the field of ten candidates that will participate in next week’s Republican debate. CNBC said they wanted to include more than ten, but Christie was the last one to enter and they forgot to grease up the doorframe.

10. Khloe Kardashian and her basketball player husband, Lamar Odom, called off their divorce on Wednesday a week after the athlete collapsed and fell into a coma in Las Vegas. Apparently the coma allowed Odom to lose enough brain cells to fit in with the Kardashians.

11. Representatives for former host of “The Price Is Right” Bob Barker said he was doing okay after taking a fall while going for a walk in the Hollywood Hills. Authorities have not ruled out foul play and have narrowed the list of suspects to every dog ever spayed or neutered.

12. An Indonesian villager is encouraging rural children to read by delivering books via his mobile library which is strapped to the back of a horse. The horse library solves two age-old problems, getting children to read and preventing homeless people from masturbating at the library.

13. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. The hunter is now questioning the validity of the fish he shot in that barrel yesterday.

14. Early ticket sales for December’s “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” broke IMAX records with more than $6.5 million for U.S. screenings. Experts attribute this huge number to the theaters’ new “one ticket per person, including imaginary girlfriends” policy.

15. The November issue of “Ebony” magazine features a picture of the cast of “the Cosby Show” on its cover and a scathing article on the inside. Said Malcolm Jamal Warner, “Hey, a cover’s a cover.”

February 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study suggests that smoking may kill 60,000 to 120,000 more people in the U.S. each year than previously thought. After adjusting the numbers, cigarettes are now responsible for the second most deaths in the U.S. right behind Aaron Hernandez.

2. A new study finds, a year after being hospitalized seniors who enjoyed the arts were only half as likely to attend concerts, films or art exhibits as they had been 10 years earlier. Especially the ones that died in the hospital.

3. Indonesian officials have dropped a plan to require female students to pass virginity tests in order to graduate from high school and apologized after a pyblic backlash. Said officials, “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna let them graduate.”

4. According to a new survey, Pennsylvania residents overwhelmingly support restoring the Joe Paterno statue that once stood outside the football stadium on the Penn State campus. Because there really is no more fitting tribute to the man than something that is in the middle of all the action, sees everything, but is incapable of saying a single word.

5. The Florida cat that crawled out of its grave after a traffic accident is now ensnared in a legal dispute over custody involving its owners and the Humane Society of Tampa Bay. Said the cat, “That’s a tough choice, but I think I’ll go with the people who didn’t bury me alive.”

6. A man and a woman sleeping in a dumpster after a night of drinking at a Florida casino ended up at a hospital after they had to be rescued from a garbage truck. Because I guess that couple needed a little more assurance that they are indeed white trash.

7. A recent study claims that you can tell how many orgasms a woman has had by the way she walks. Which, I guess means Heather Mills is a real freak in the sheets.

8. Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn conceded on Wednesday that his approach to sex is rougher than most men, as he testified during his trial on aggravated pimping charges. Well, if that’s the case, I think he’s really gonna like jail.

9. Kenya has banned the film adaption of best-selling erotic novel “50 Shades of Grey” from its cinemas. Said Kenyan residents, “We don’t want to see an S&M movie, we live in Kenya, every day is torture.”

10. Kanye West will be hosting a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan. Or, more accurately, Beck is scheduled to host a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan and Kanye’s gonna be nearby.