Tag Archives: Hurricane Florence

September 21, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. I saw it and all I’ll say is he’s no Stretch Armstrong.

2. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. “I remember it being much bigger,” said Robin.

3. Polish President Andrzej Duda urged President Donald Trump on Tuesday during a joint news conference to deploy more US troops and military equipment to Poland, even suggesting the US establish a permanent military base and name it “Fort Trump.” “Name’s already taken,” said Eric:

4. Actor Tom Arnold is accusing reality producer Mark Burnett of attacking him at a pre-Emmys party Sunday night. That is a crazy story, who is inviting Tom Arnold to an Emmys party?

5. SpaceX revealed Monday that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be its first space tourist. So congratulations to Mr. Maezawa and an even bigger congratulations to his immediate heirs.

6. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon on Sunday said he regretted comments that he was “smarter” than President Trump. In response, President Trump said JP Morgan is a loser who was never funny on “30 Rock.”

7. China has arrested a 17-year-old junior high school dropout who pretended to be a billionaire, gave himself fake titles and posted Photoshopped pictures of himself with world leaders. Authorities knew something was amiss when they saw this picture:

8. This week, Soon-Yi broke her silence giving an interview where she accused her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. “That’s no way to treat a child,” said a judge to Woody Allen. 

9. Soon-Yi has broken her silence to defend husband Woody Allen and accuse her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. Said Woody, “It’s unthinkable that Mia could abuse her when she was child, especially because she was such a hot little child.” 

10. Tuesday was National Be Late for Something day.  So, if you didn’t celebrate, you still got time.

11. Julie Chen, the wife of former CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, is stepping down from role as host of CBS’s “The Talk.” In response, Moonves said he regrets that these allegations have forced his wife to leave her job and also that he won’t be around to sexually harass whatever hot chick they find to replace her. 

12. In Stormy Daniel’s soon-to-be-released memoir, she described President Trump’s penis saying, “He knows he has an unusual penis.” Begging the question, do you know how weird that penis has to be to stand out as weird on that body?

 

13. President Donald Trump on Monday praised Judge Brett Kavanaugh as “one of the finest people that I’ve ever known” in his first public comments since the Supreme Court nominee was publicly accused of sexual assault. And when you think about the people that he knows, he’s probably right:

14. On Thursday, Hawaiian Airlines announced the launch of “the longest regularly scheduled domestic route in US history,” an 11-hour flight between Boston and Honolulu. But, since the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie’, it will feel a lot longer.

15. A student pilot is in custody after he allegedly hopped a security fence early Thursday at Florida’s Orlando International Airport, boarded a passenger jet that was undergoing maintenance, and attempted to take-off. But can you really fault anyone who’s just trying to get the hell out of Orlando?

16. Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell claims that President Trump suggested Spain should build a wall across the Sahara desert to deal with the issue of migration from Africa. But I’m calling bullshit because there’s no way Trump knows the Sahara Desert is in Africa. 

17. A New York prisoner known for drawings golf courses was set free Wednesday after nearly three decades behind bars. A convicted felon who loves golf, is it possible to be over-qualified to be a part of the Trump White House? 

18. A woman in Kentucky was arrested this weekend and charged with assault of an officer after she reportedly “released her bowels” on her arrested officer. Said the woman, “Oh sure, when I do it, I get arrested, but when Al Roker does it, he gets invited to the White House”:

19. A federal judge will not force Georgia to use paper ballots for the November election, citing the potential for last-minute confusion. “That is confusing,” said most Georgia residents looking at a pencil and paper.

20. This week, while speaking about Hurricane Florence, President Trump said, “it’s one of the wettest we have ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Later in that a day, Trump had one of the wettest lunches we have ever seen from the standpoint of gravy.

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.