March 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Friday night, the Secret Service arrested an intruder who breached the White House fence and came within several hundred yards of the President. The man was unable to get face-to-face with President Trump, which can only mean one thing, he’s not Russian.

2. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

3. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

4. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

5. According to reports, Arnold Schwarzenegger may be eyeing a Senate bid in 2018. And, I have to admit, ‘Senate bid’ is an odd name for a maid.

6. Attendees at the Vietnamese premier of ‘Kong: Skull Island’ were sent running in a panic when a 16-foot statue of King Kong burst into flames over the weekend. Although it still went better than the premiere of ‘Batman v. Superman,’ where the people in attendance had to watch the movie.

7. Rumors are swirling that actress Pamela Anderson and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange are dating. He’s dating Pamela Anderson and trying to reignite the Col War? Man, this guy really misses the 80s.

8. A 74-year-old man was arrested after police say he destroyed several Kim Kardashian books at a Barnes & Noble in Connecticut. Which is unfair, because ‘destroyed’ implies that beforehand those books weren’t already a mess.

9. Jimmy Fallon is reportedly under pressure to take ‘The Tonight Show’ in a “more political” direction in an effort to regain the late-night ratings crown from Stephen Colbert. So get ready for Pictionary with Robert Mugabe.

10. On Sunday, Tom Price, the head of Health and Human Services and a leading advocate for the new healthcare bill, said no one will be worse off financially under the Republican’s plan. Because technically, dead people are no longer have debts.

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