December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

January 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, as a result of a chemical spill, nearly 200,000 people in West Virginia have been left without the use of tap water for drinking, cooking, brushing their teeth or showering. Or, as it is known in West Virginia, the status quo.

2. New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez will be suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season and playoffs for doping after an independent arbitrator reduced his ban from 211-games. So now A-Rod will have a legitimate excuse for not showing up in October.

3. Vice President Joe Biden said on Saturday he will lead the U.S. delegation to the memorial service for the late Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Whereupon Biden will give his traditional “Sorry, the President didn’t want to come and you got stuck with me” speech.

4. According to a recent study, wisdom and a sense of gratitude appear to go hand in hand, especially in women. Scientists made this discovery by watching a few episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

5. Authorities are investigating a claim that a woman at a Salt Lake City area fertility clinic was artificially inseminated with sperm, not from her husband, but from a part-time lab-employee. “But that still doesn’t explain how the employee’s shoes wound up next to our bed,” said the woman’s husband.

6. On Friday, a federal judge ordered that a napkin-size Renoir painting valued at $100,000 but bought for $7 at a flea market must be returned to the museum it was stolen from in 1951. Said the new owner, “How ‘bout I give you this Rock’em Soke’em Robots game I picked up at the yard sale and we call it even?”

7. On Saturday, NFL officials announced that the Red Hot Chili Peppers will perform at halftime at Super Bowl XLVIII in New Jersey on February 2. So, if the cold weather in New Jersey continues, expect the band to wear four really small socks.

8. On Saturday, NFL officials announced that the Red Hot Chili Peppers will play at halftime at Super Bowl XLVIII in New Jersey on February 2. Meaning we may see a new kind of flea-flicker if the band’s bassist gets a little handsy with himself during the performance.

9. Last night, actor Matthew McConaughey took home the Golden Globe for best actor in a dramatic movie. McConaughey’s win marked the first time anyone accepted a Globe shirtless, playing the bongos.

10. Former teen idol and Partridge family member, David Cassidy was arrested in California on Friday night on suspicion of drunken driving. “Can nothing just be mine?” said Danny Bonaduce.