October 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this month, a man in China was forced to call the fire department to help him unattach a handful of magnets that he had clamped to his penis. “Well, at least something’s still attracted to you,” said the man’s now ex-girlfriend.
 
2. Police in England are searching for a woman who was seen having sex in public with a sculpture of a dinosaur at a popular children’s attraction. Although the police aren’t the only ones searching for that lady:
barney

3. Former Boston Red Sox pitcher and conservative political commentator Curt Schilling said on Tuesday he is considering running for Senate in Massachusetts against Elizabeth Warren in 2018. But I think he’ll have a hard time getting Donald Trump’s endorsement considering his harsh words about blood coming out of Megan Kelly’s wherever:

4. Young Americans are so dissatisfied with their choices in this presidential election that nearly one in four told an opinion poll they would rather have a giant meteor destroy the Earth than see Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the White House. “Does the giant meteor have a running mate yet?” asked a desperate Chris Christie.

5. This week, M&Ms announced that they will be introducing a new flavor, M&M’s Caramel, which will feature a soft caramel center, covered in chocolate and a crunchy colorful shell. The process of how they make the new treat is very labor intensive:
bed

6. A report released on Tuesday by the Center for Privacy & Technology, found that law enforcement databases have 117 million faces on file due to facial recognition software. Which isn’t that impressive when you learn that 113 million of them are Renee Zellweger:
renee

7. On Monday, porn publisher Larry Flynt said he’ll pay $1 million to anyone who has Donald Trump on tape making “sexually demeaning” comments about woman. So, can I just record the next debate and send it in?

8. Over the weekend, a 44-pound minute hand fell off a clock on a Hamburg church tower in Germany, plunging 130 feet onto the sidewalk below. No one was hurt, but now Herr McFly and Doktor Brown have no way of getting back.

9. According to federal data released Monday, the high school graduation rate in the U.S. has reached a new record high of 83%. “That makes me feel even worse about being in the remaining 19%” said the remaining 17%.

10. On Monday, the Austrian government announced that it will demolish the house that Adolf Hitler was born in. Although, wouldn’t it make more sense to turn it into a synagogue?

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