January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

May 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

2. A woman who has accused Bill Cosby of drugging and molesting her at a Playboy Mansion party in 2008 has filed a second lawsuit accusing Playboy founder Hugh Hefner of conspiring in the assault. Said Hefner, “Cool, a three-way.”

3. Pictures of a three-year-old boy with a diagonal cut on his foreign went viral when his mom turned the scar into Harry Potter’s iconic lightning bolt scar. Child protective services are now referring to the boy’s mother as She Who Must Not Be Named.

4. Actor Henry Cavill, who portrays Superman on the big screen, has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend of seven months. Apparently commitment is his kryptonite.

5. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Reverend Billy Graham, said terror attacks such as 9/11 and the mass shooting in San Bernardino were allowed by God because of the gay rights movement and the acceptance of evolution. Although it’s unclear what terrible things mankind did for God to unleash Anne Graham Lotz on us.

6. A 64-year-old man, who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the U.S. to undergo a successful penis transplant, getting the donor penis from a deceased man. The only downside is, due to rigamortis, he is always erect.

7. On Monday, Democrat Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she will name her husband, former President Bill Clinton, her economy czar. Because Hillary, more than anyone else, knows that it’s not good for Bill to have down time at the White House.

8. In a new interview, Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said of her husband, “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler.” Coincidentally, Melania was also required to include that line in her wedding vows.

9. It was announced this week that South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their first-ever joint anti-missile exercise next month. “Let us know if you want to make it more than just an exercise,” said North Korea.

10. A Colorado Springs school district has approved the use of medical marijuana for its students. Which means, even if it’s announced ahead of time, to those students, every test will be a surprise pop quiz.

November 8, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A New Mexico man is suing the police for allegedly “subjecting him to multiple digital penetrations and three enemas” all on an invalid warrant, according to his lawyer. But, on the plus-side, his prostrate is healthy.

2. Researchers have found it’s more likely you’ll continue exercising if you tell yourself “this feels good.” But, if you’re gonna lie, why not just lie about going to the gym in the first place?

3. The Senate passed a bipartisan bill on Thursday that outlaws discrimination against gay workers. “I’m sure that’ll end the discrimination for you,” said black people.

4. Yesterday, the FDA proposed a ban on artificial trans-fats in processed food ranging from cookies to frozen pizza, citing the risk of heart disease. And, just like that, Chris Christie has his 2016 presidential platform.

5. A New Hampshire man, who last year changed his name to “human,” has gone to the state’s top court to defend his right to a cop-insulting vanity license plate that reads: COPSLIE. If successful, the most common question the man will hear will no longer be “What’s your name,” but instead, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

6. The suburban Dallas home where Lee Harvey Oswald spent the night before he assassinated JFK opened as a museum on Wednesday. It’s the perfect experience for the guy who wonders what the home of a gun-toting, borderline psychotic person looks like, but doesn’t know where Ted Nugent lives.

7. Just days after admitting he had smoked crack cocaine, a profanity-laced video of embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has surfaced showing him staggering around and making violent threats against an unknown person. But, if history is any guide, he’s probably talking about Chuck Lorre.

8. On Thursday night, Reverend Billy Graham celebrated his 95th birthday with a star-studded guest list that included Sarah Palin, Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump. The party was held on an island shaped like a skull.

9. On Thursday night, Revered Billy Graham celebrated his 95th birthday with a star-studded guest list that included Sarah Palin, Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump. It was a nice glimpse into the not-so-distant future, letting Graham see what hell will look and feel like.

10. Thursday morning, Today Show hosts Matt Lauer and Al Roker underwent colonoscopies live on air. I guess Al really wanted to show the public what was going on in his neck of the woods.