September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.
16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!
17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

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