Tag Archives: Adolf Hitler

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

August 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Justin Bieber is reportedly taking a break from music to focus on religion. “We would have been a lot more excited about this news ten years ago,” said Catholic priests.

2. According to a new survey, one in eight young people in the U.K. have never seen a cow in real life. And that number goes way if that cow is also a dentist:

3. A new study found that women are better at crowdfunding than men. Yeah, it’s called stripping.

4. A new study has found that nightmares may be caused by getting too much sleep. “Oh, thank god, for a moment there I thought I actually ran for president,” said Ben Carson:

5. Microsoft was forced to delete an Artificial Intelligence chat robot because, one day after introducing it to Twitter, it became a Hitler-loving, incest-promoting, 9/11 truther. That’s crazy, it took a full day?

6. It is being reported that many of President Trump’s Cabinet members attend a weekly Bible study meeting. But why read the book when you’re basically living the Old Testament? Trump is the golden idol, Priebus and Scaramucci are admittedly Cain and Abel, and there’s even a talking bush:

7. In an interview with ‘The Wall Street Journal’ President Trump said he asks foreign leaders how many people they have in their country. And then he always asks if they can fit one more:

8. According to science, ‘booty’ is the funniest word in the English language. Counterpoint:

9. Actor Tom Hiddleston is set to star in a new theater production of ‘Hamlet’ in London that will run for only three weeks. Or, as it’s known in the White House communications department, a fucking eternity.

10. Princess Diana shared intimate details of her ‘odd’ sex life with Prince Charles in a controversial tape that will be broadcast on British television this weekend. “Oh thank god,” said Trump after the Google alerts he set up for ‘head of state,’ ‘sex tape’ and ‘broadcast’ went off.

July 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005, sold at auction for $29,000 over the weekend. So, much like Hitler, appreciation for Trump’s artwork also came way too late:

2. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

3. Researchers at Brown University believe that there may be water inside the moon. So now we can add ‘the moon’ the list of places more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

4. USC football coach Clay Helton said former Heisman Trophy winning running-back and school alum O.J. Simpson would not be welcome on campus after he is released from prison. Although if I know one thing about O.J., him not being welcomed is not gonna stop him from going places:

5. According to a new report, over the past fifteen years, department stores have lost more jobs than coal mines. And, in some instances, the work conditions at the stores are worse than in the mines:

6. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

7. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said his country’s latest missile launch proves that he is capable of striking anywhere in the United States. And, by the look of Detroit, he may have already done so.

8. The Rikers Island inmate who escaped the New York City jail complex on Wednesday spent most of his seven hours of freedom hiding in bushes. “I completely understand that,” said Sean Spicer:

9. ‘The Emoji Movie’ narrowly escaped a 0% rating, earning 3% approval on the movie rating website ‘Rotten Tomatoes.’ Getting 3% instead of 0% can only mean one thing, Johnny Depp is not in the movie.

10. The Russian Foreign Ministry said it would seize two U.S. diplomatic compounds in Russia in retaliation to new sanctions passed by Congress. Come on, haven’t the Russians already seized enough American houses?:

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

June 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis Rivera accidentally swallowed a wasp while speaking to reporters. Of course, the last time President Trump encountered a wasp he made her Secretary of Education:

2. Yesterday, Mattel unveiled a new line of Ken dolls, one of which, has a man bun. Just like the previous versions, this doll is not anatomically correct, but, thanks to the man bun, it no longer matters.

3. Megyn Kelly’s interview with conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, which aired on NBC Sunday night, got lower ratings than a rerun of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’ Given the chance to watch people publicly embarrass and demean themselves on national TV, the public chose to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ instead.

4. A trove of original Nazi artifacts, including a bust of Adolf Hitler and intricate wooden boxes designed with Swastikas, was discovered hidden in an art collectors home in Argentina. “That’s crazy,” said Steve Bannon, “why would you hide that stuff?”

5. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. And, according to one respondent, 100% of Oval Office workers:

6. People are reportedly sending hate mail to the wrong Shakespeare companies across the country, blaming them for the New York Public Theater’s controversial production of ‘Julius Caesar.’ And even less informed people are sending death threats to Shakespeare himself.

7. Last week, Beyonce gave birth to twins. Luckily she has ample experience supporting two free-loaders:

8. On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will release the text of their healthcare bill tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing, they plan to vote on it today.

9. The PGA Tour said on Tuesday it will begin blood testing next season and will revise its list of banned substances. And, in a related story, Tiger Woods has retired from golf.

10. This week, NASA said it wants to send an expedition to Uranus to probe for gas. That story again, NASA is now run by six-year-olds.

May 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife, Sara, offered sympathetic words to visiting President Trump and his wife Melania on Monday, telling them that people still loved them despite negative media coverage. Trump said he was not used to hearing such kind words, at least, not without them having to be translated from Russian first.

2. Stephen Colbert recently revealed that former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz once went on “The Late Show” and asked the host if he could “humanize” him. Which would have made following Letterman the second hardest task Colbert has ever undertaken.

3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. “The key is pretending to fall asleep before he starts his ‘performance’,” said Melania.

4. According to ‘Politico,’ First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. Although, I’m willing to bet, she may not be passing along all those stories this week:

5. Former CIA Director John Brennan said on Tuesday that he warned the head of Russia’s FSB Security Service last summer that any interference in the U.S. election would hurt U.S.-Russian relations. Turns out, he was wrong:

6. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

7. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

8. Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase “That’s Hot.” Customers who bought the card are also suing because when they licked the stamp to send it, they somehow contracted gonorrhea.

9. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. That story again, scientists have run out of things to study.

10. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. Which explains this recent NASA transmission: “That’s one small step for man, one … oh, what did I just step in? What was it? Why did we even bring that up here? Oh come on!”

May 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body for six days. “Ugh, gross, who sleeps next to their wife?” said Bill Clinton.

2. A woman is reportedly suing American Airlines for $10 million after they lost her dead daughters’ ashes. Even worse, her daughter was alive when they got on the plane.

3. According to ‘Forbes,’ rapper Jay-Z is worth $810 million dollars. Or, more accurately, just one more Lemonade album away from being worth $405 million.

4. According to a new survey, when asked to describe President Trump in one word, the most common answers were ‘idiot’ and ‘incompetent.’ Said President Trump, “Hey, that’s two words.”

5. A self-proclaimed Nazi legally changed his name to ‘Hitler’ after losing custody of all nine of his children who he named after Third Reich figures. Here’s an idea, stop letting this guy name things.

6. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to claim that he coined the phrase ‘priming the pump.’ But, in Trump’s defense, he’s been living separately from Melania for a long time and a man has urges.

7. In a new interview, President Trump said he’s “very proud” of his tax returns. But he has mixed-feelings about his tax deductions:

8. Paris Hilton claims that she invented the selfie. Maybe, but that’s definitely not why doctors refer to her as ‘patient zero.’

9. President Trump created a commission on Thursday to investigate voter fraud a move that follows Trump’s unsubstantiated claims of massive voter fraud in the 2016 election. And, something tells me, the commission will find exactly 2,833,221 cases of voter fraud:

10. On Wednesday, John Thompson, the director of the Census Bureau, announced his intentions to resign. Thompson wants to spend more time at home counting his family.

11. A college lacrosse team in Pennsylvania changed its entrance music to a remix of a Donald Trump speech. Which, I believe, is the whitest sentence ever written.

12. A man with a criminal record of exposing himself to women, was briefly hired as a vice principal at a Pennsylvania high school. But, in the school’s defense, the position of gym teacher was already filled.

13. During the French presidential election on Sunday, a record number of voters turned in blank ballots which counted as votes for no one. Unlike the recent U.S. election, where a blank, all-white ballot counted as a vote for Trump.

14. According to a new study, swearing while working out can increase one’s tolerance for pain, leading to a better workout. And, in a related story, Samuel L. Jackson has been named the World’s Strongest Man.

15. Ukraine has banned American action star Steven Seagal as a national security threat. Or, more likely, they were banning Kim Jong Un by describing him as an overweight man who wears a kimono and, naturally, Seagal got swept up in the description.

16. Late Tuesday night, press secretary Sean Spicer held a makeshift press conference on the lawn of the White House with no cameras or lights. And I can think of no better metaphor for a Spicer press conference than, at the end of it, still being completely in the dark.

17. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. But apparently the complete opposite is true if only one member of the couple is elderly:

18. Scientists in Britain have discovered the fossils of the world’s oldest vegetarian dinosaur. So, now the new theory concerning extinction, is that this dinosaur kept talking about his diet and all the other dinosaurs died of boredom.

April 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, inspectors noted over a dozen health code violations in the kitchen at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. So, it turns out it may not have been the view that was making patrons so queasy:

2. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” As in, Trump’s hopes for healthcare reform are also just a dream.

3. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” And, in Lord’s defense, people have been marching in the streets because of him:

4. According to a new study, the average unmarried American spent $1,596 on their dating life in 2016. While some married Americans spent double that:

5. Scientists have created a device that can pull drinking water from the air using only the power of sunlight. “Alright, now you’re just being dicks about it,” said the residents of Flint.

6. While speaking at a town hall in Oklahoma on Tuesday, Congressman Markwayne Mullin said the notion that his constituents pay his salary is “bullcrap.” And, come mid-term elections, he’ll be right.

7. Shigeo Tokuda, the world’s oldest porn star at the age of 82, credits his incredible sex drive to eating eggs every day. “So, I guess we’re getting rid of eggs,” said the guy in charge of the cafeteria at Fox News.

8. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. And also the good of mankind.

9. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. Although, if he wanted solitude he could just go to any movie theater showing a Shia LaBeouf film.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate remark about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s remark is “not without some merit.” These idiots know they can just say “no comment” right?

11. On Wednesday, the city of St. Louis sued the NFL claiming the league violated its relocation guidelines when it allowed the Rams to move to Los Angeles. If successful, the city could force the NFL to move the Rams back to St. Louis, which seems like more of a punishment.

12. A coalition of nonprofit groups on Monday sued the Trump Administration to obtain the White House visitor logs. Although, they’re gonna be really disappointed if this a scheme to get a copy of Melania’s signature.

13. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. So, if you’ve ever wondered what a day in the life of Kylie Jenner looks like, fuck you.

14. A British DJ has been sentenced to a year in jail by Tunisian authorities for remixing a Muslim call to prayer into a club song. And say what you will, but I can get behind any country that’s intent on locking up DJs.

15. A high schooler in California turned up to his junior prom this weekend with Kylie Jenner as his date. Although, to be fair, she also went with the rest of the football team as well.