May 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body for six days. “Ugh, gross, who sleeps next to their wife?” said Bill Clinton.

2. A woman is reportedly suing American Airlines for $10 million after they lost her dead daughters’ ashes. Even worse, her daughter was alive when they got on the plane.

3. According to ‘Forbes,’ rapper Jay-Z is worth $810 million dollars. Or, more accurately, just one more Lemonade album away from being worth $405 million.

4. According to a new survey, when asked to describe President Trump in one word, the most common answers were ‘idiot’ and ‘incompetent.’ Said President Trump, “Hey, that’s two words.”

5. A self-proclaimed Nazi legally changed his name to ‘Hitler’ after losing custody of all nine of his children who he named after Third Reich figures. Here’s an idea, stop letting this guy name things.

6. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to claim that he coined the phrase ‘priming the pump.’ But, in Trump’s defense, he’s been living separately from Melania for a long time and a man has urges.

7. In a new interview, President Trump said he’s “very proud” of his tax returns. But he has mixed-feelings about his tax deductions:

8. Paris Hilton claims that she invented the selfie. Maybe, but that’s definitely not why doctors refer to her as ‘patient zero.’

9. President Trump created a commission on Thursday to investigate voter fraud a move that follows Trump’s unsubstantiated claims of massive voter fraud in the 2016 election. And, something tells me, the commission will find exactly 2,833,221 cases of voter fraud:

10. On Wednesday, John Thompson, the director of the Census Bureau, announced his intentions to resign. Thompson wants to spend more time at home counting his family.

11. A college lacrosse team in Pennsylvania changed its entrance music to a remix of a Donald Trump speech. Which, I believe, is the whitest sentence ever written.

12. A man with a criminal record of exposing himself to women, was briefly hired as a vice principal at a Pennsylvania high school. But, in the school’s defense, the position of gym teacher was already filled.

13. During the French presidential election on Sunday, a record number of voters turned in blank ballots which counted as votes for no one. Unlike the recent U.S. election, where a blank, all-white ballot counted as a vote for Trump.

14. According to a new study, swearing while working out can increase one’s tolerance for pain, leading to a better workout. And, in a related story, Samuel L. Jackson has been named the World’s Strongest Man.

15. Ukraine has banned American action star Steven Seagal as a national security threat. Or, more likely, they were banning Kim Jong Un by describing him as an overweight man who wears a kimono and, naturally, Seagal got swept up in the description.

16. Late Tuesday night, press secretary Sean Spicer held a makeshift press conference on the lawn of the White House with no cameras or lights. And I can think of no better metaphor for a Spicer press conference than, at the end of it, still being completely in the dark.

17. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. But apparently the complete opposite is true if only one member of the couple is elderly:

18. Scientists in Britain have discovered the fossils of the world’s oldest vegetarian dinosaur. So, now the new theory concerning extinction, is that this dinosaur kept talking about his diet and all the other dinosaurs died of boredom.

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