January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

January 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president. An announcement that was met with enthusiastic applause by both Trump and Hillary supporters.

2. A new study found that families may be more satisfied with end-of-life care for loved ones dying of cancer when treatment is focused on comfort rather than aggressively fighting the disease. Especially when they didn’t like that family member to begin with.

3. The world of professional tennis was rocked on Monday by allegations that the game’s authorities have failed to deal with widespread match-fixing. “Oh, that sounds bad, focus on that,” said FIFA.

4. Major League Baseball said on Tuesday it has launched an investigation to see if Texas Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish has any connection to his brother’s illegal gambling ring. “You can’t hold someone responsible for the actions of his brother,” said Jeb Bush.

5. Major League Baseball has settled a lawsuit filed against it by fans unhappy about restrictions on watching their favorite teams play on TV. The case was complicated because fans of teams like the Yankees and the Athletics were unhappy that they couldn’t watch their teams, while Phillies fans wanted more restrictions.

6. Yesterday, the Cincinnati Reds announced that they will be inducting former-Red great Pete Rose into the team’s Hall of Fame on June 24. Rose said he was happy, but disappointed by the date because he had the over.

7. On Tuesday, France honored American actor Michael Keaton with a prestigious cultural award, giving him a medal for his contributions to the arts. Which can only mean on thing, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” hasn’t gotten to France yet.

8. A town in southwest Taiwan is building a church in the form of a giant high-heeled shoe, made of metal and blue glass. “I’m whatever religion that is,” said Quentin Tarantino.

9. It was reported this week that Khloe Kardashian will host a new talk show were she will drink cocktails with her guests. “Who needs cameras and guests,” said Lindsay Lohan.

10. A new world record for the biggest dog yoga class was attempted this weekend in Hong Kong. And I can’t think of a more pointless endeavor than dog yoga considering they’re already flexible enough to lick themselves.

December 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Unna, an 18-year-old killer whale who lived at the SeaWorld park in San Antonio, died on Monday. Trainers at the park said the hardest part about losing Unna is finding a toilet big enough to flush her down.

2. Actor Will Smith said he was “repelled” when he first read the script for his new movie “Concussion.” Not to be outdone, Smith was in the hospital for two weeks after reading “Wild Wild West.”

3. A Trans Am that was used to promote the 1977 classic movie Smokey and the Bandit will go up for auction early next year. It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking for a new car to pull their home.

4. On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia-based retail chain Jarir Bookstore said it has removed books written by presidential candidate Donald Trump from its shelves due to his proposed ban on Muslims. Or, as it was reported by Trump, “They can’t keep my book on the shelves over there.”

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has moved quickly to pick up some of Lindsey Graham’s supporters in South Carolina after Graham suspended his campaign. Said those supporters, “We want to lose twice.”

6. According to a report, by age two, many kids can unlock and navigate touch screens with ease. Or, as it was reported in China, potential workforce increases.

7. On Tuesday, director Quentin Tarantino received a star on a section of Hollywood’s Walk of Fame that sees very heavy foot traffic. Marking the first time that the star actually wanted to trade places with the star.

8. After a doctored image circulated online, IKEA was forced to shoot down rumors that one of its tables contained swastika imagery. Which is ridiculous, because swastika aside, that means someone actually put together a table from IKEA correctly.

9. A company has designed a line of new earthquake-proof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drop people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. The fortified box will keep the individual safe or, if not, serve as a very convenient coffin.

10. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight Monday near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. The robber would have stolen the agent’s pants if he had remembered to wear them to work that day.

11. According to a new report, as many as 3,200 criminals were mistakenly released too early from Washington state prisons due to calculation errors. That story again, there’s a reason the Seahawks are good this year.

12. A cafe that hires people with hearing impairments has opened in Indonesia. Begging the question, if all the people who have trouble hearing are working there, who’s getting your name wrong at Starbucks?