February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

March 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to researchers, something about Republican front-runner Donald Trump, his face, voice or message, generates “increased brain activity” amongst viewers. “Oh, is that what that new feeling is?” said Trump supporters.

2. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. The baby has his father’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his grandfather’s understanding of foreign policy.

3. Mexican immigrant Efrain Delgado-Rosales was sentenced last week to five years in a Texas prison after being caught illegally crossing the border for the 24th time. Which has got to be the best example I’ve ever heard of be careful what you wish for.

4. According to a new study, women who maintain an overall healthy diet may benefit from a slightly reduced risk of hip fractures later in life. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said your grandmother’s new boyfriend.

5. Former Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings safety Husain Abdullah announced his retirement on Monday, citing the five concussions he incurred in his seven-year National Football League career. And, he may have a point, because he played for five years and his name is actually Dwight Smith.

6. The Kremlin said on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin could meet British singer Elton John when he visits Russia in May if room can be found in the two men’s schedules. Or, if they match on Grindr.

7. On Friday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed their manager Pete Mackanin to a two-year extension. Although, it could be knocked down to one year with good behavior.

8. Last week, rapper Iggy Azalea revealed that before she was allowed to collaborate with singer Britney Spears, Spears’ security team searched Azalea’s house to make sure it was drug free. And I’m pretty sure I know where Azalea hid the drugs:
iggy

9. Researchers have found that children as young as seven are sexting. Said the researchers, “It’s really not important how we found out this information.”

10. Pop singer Miley Cyrus will be a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” next season. So, when she turns her chair around, for once in her life, she’ll think the room is spinning and be right.

October 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. New grandmother Hillary Clinton was presented with a slew of gifts, mostly books, for her new granddaughter, Monday afternoon at private New York City fundraiser. The presents included a special edition of Dr. Suess’s “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.” Spoiler alert, those places are Iowa, New Hampshire, Colorado and then Minnesota.

2. The Colorado Supreme Court on Tuesday heard arguments over whether employees can be fired for using medical marijuana, which is legal in the state, but illegal under federal law. It marked the first time that a group of people in Colorado, dressed in the same robes that they wore yesterday, had a conversation solely about marijuana, since the day before.

3. The University of California will designate gender-neutral restrooms at its 10 campuses to accommodate transgender students. So good luck trying to decide how to leave the toilet seats in there.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio signed an executive order on Tuesday to raise the minimum hourly wage by more than a dollar to $13.13. As a result, Lena Dunham as cancelled all the New York City stops on her book tour.

5. Monday night, Kansas City Chiefs safety and devout muslim Husain Abdullah was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after sliding to his knees in prayer to celebrate a touchdown. Asked why they never threw a flag on Tim Tebow when he prayed on the field, referees responded, “That was a totally different scenario, Abdullah actually scored a touchdown.”

6. Pennsylvania’s Roman Catholic bishops have adopted a new policy requiring boys on the wrestling team of Catholic schools to forfeit matches against female opponents. Although if a boy is scheduled to wrestle a bishop, those matches go on as planned.

7. According to a new study, the personalities of husbands and wives may affect their spouse’s success at work. Said Republicans, “I knew it was Michelle’s fault all along.”

8. Google is planning to role out a new streaming music service in the next few weeks to compete with Apple and Spotify. “We’re here if you need us,” said U2.

9. The home of legendary Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockney in South Bend, Indiana is currently on sale for $500,000. “But, if you’re interested in owning a former college football coach’s house, they’ll probably be a few more on the market come the end of the season,” said fans of the University of Michigan, fans of the University of Florida and family members of Lane Kiffin.

10. According to a new study, women who were unemployed in their youth tend to have fewer children in middle-age. Which explains why there are over a billion people in China.