Tag Archives: Limp Bizkit

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

July 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Three armed men broke into the Los Angeles home of singer Chris Brown on Wednesday, ordering a woman staying at the residence into a closet and taking cash and electronics. Luckily, since the woman was friends with Brown, she was used to that kind of treatment.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday his net worth has risen to more than $10 billion. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s lawyers.

3. Under a new bill, cheerleaders for pro sports in California will be classified as employees and eligible for benefits such as sick pay. Which is good, because if you’re forced to watch every Oakland Raiders game, you’re gonna need some sick days to recover.

4. Yesterday, Walt Disney announced that it will open its first ever theme park in China come spring 2016. Much like in the U.S., the souvenir shop filled with Disney merchandise will remind Chinese visitors of their childhood, but for vastly different reasons.

5. Research suggests smartphone apps that track how much a person drinks could curb binge drinking and reduce alcoholism rates. Said one such user, “I lost my phone again? HAS ANYONE IN THIS BAR SEEN MY PHONE?”

6. Photos have surfaced showing recently-escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. “You’re hired,” said Malaysian Airlines.

7. President Obama said on Wednesday that there is no precedent for revoking the U.S. Medal of Freedom given to comedian Bill Cosby. Which comes as great news to other Medal recipients who were on the fence about raping people.

8. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. Said one very horny woman, “If you have a better way to dry them I’d love to hear it.”

9. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. So at least they’ll be prepared when those 15 dildos show up for the Oregon Republican primaries.

10. In a recent interview with “Rolling Stone,” singer Tom Petty apologized for using the Confederate flag as a backdrop for his Southern Accent tour in 1985. While Limp Bizkit apologized for touring.

March 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to court documents, when real estate heir and accused murderer Robert Durst was arrested on Sunday he had in his possession more than $40,000 and a neck-to-head latex mask to alter his appearance. When asked what he planned on doing with the items, Durst answered, “Nothing,” and then he blinked like 100 times in a row.

2. According to reports, Senator Rand Paul will declare his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on April 7th. Although, considering his chances, April 1st seems more appropriate.

3. According to rumors, Al Gore is considering a run for president in 2016. He already has a campaign slogan, which was Bill Clinton’s favorite saying while in office, “Don’t Tell Hillary.”

4. Yesterday, Vin Diesel announced that his girlfriend gave birth to their third child. I don’t know what’s scarier, that Vin Diesel is responsible for three children or seven Fast & Furious movies.

5. On Tuesday, the Associated Press issued an apology for incorrectly reporting that accused murderer Robert Durst was the lead singer of Limp Bizkit. The craziest part of that story is it was still the best press Limp Bizkit has gotten in years.

6. In a recent interview, President Obama said young voters should put the legalization of marijuana at the bottom of their priority list. Said young voters, “Even if we do that, it will still be at the top of the list because it’s the only thing on our list.”

7. Earlier this week, a flight from Washington D.C. to Denver was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger ran up and down the aisle telling, “Jihad! Jihad!” But, in that man’s defense, the inflight movie was “Mortdecai.”

8. Paul McCartney will induct Beatles bandmate Ringo Starr into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month. And, I like to think, if John and George were alive to day we wouldn’t give a shit about Ringo.

9. In a recent interview with ‘Playboy’ magazine, former Vice President Dick Cheney called President Obama the worst president of his lifetime. Not to be outdone, Biden called Bush a fag in ‘Hustler.’

10. The Texas Rangers plan on opening a concession stand in their stadium for this upcoming season that will only serve different types of fried foods. Which explains the team’s new slogan, “Come for the baseball, stay because you died of a heart-attack.”

October 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A man who checked into the Navy’s Substance Abuse and Recovery Program for alcohol treatment was also treated for an addiction to Google Glass. Even worse, the guy was so drunk, the doctors didn’t have the heart to tell him he was just wearing regular glasses.

2. HBO announced that it will launch a standalone online streaming service next year to people who don’t subscribe to the cable service on TV. I guess nobody told HBO we already have that, it’s called using our buddy Justin’s HBO Go password.

3. On Wednesday, U2 lead singer Bono apologized to iTunes users who objected to receiving an automatic download of the groups latest album in September. While Limp Bizkit’s frontman Fred Durst just apologized in general.

4. According to Forbes magazine, Michael Jackson is the top-earning dead celebrity, making an estimated $140 million last year. Said Joe Jackson, “Tito, why can’t you be more like your brother?”

5. On Wednesday, yogurt became New York’s official state snack, replacing the previous state snack of oh God, that’s not yogurt!

6. Rapper Snoop Dogg and singer Iggy Azalea are in an online feud after Snoop called Iggy ugly. But, if you ask me, I just think Snoop is angry that he can’t figure out how to add extra z’s to Azalea.

7. Pizza hut had to apologize after an employee wrote “the Fat Lady” on a customer’s receipt. Although, if writing “the Fat Lady” on a customer’s receipt helped identify that customer in a Pizza Hut I’m willing to bet “the Only Lady Here” would have worked as well.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that actor Neil Patrick Harris will host the 2015 Oscars. Or, as fans of Neil Patrick Harris refer to them, the straight Tonys.

9. On Wednesday, Warner Brothers Studio announced they had reached a deal with Netflix to air all ten seasons of “Friends.” Said the CEO of Netflix, “We wanted to fill the void during those times when TBS isn’t airing an episode of ‘Friends,’ like during commercial breaks.”

10. The White House said on Tuesday that President Obama will hit the road in the coming days to stump on behalf of candidates in Maryland and Illinois. But, because his approval rating is so low, he will be campaigning on behalf of the Republican candidates.

September 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Chancellor Angela Merkel won a landslide victory in a German election on Sunday, putting her within reach of the first absolute majority in parliament in half a century. And what could go wrong by giving one person absolute majority power in Germany?

2. U.S. authorities have seized ice-cream waffle cones from a food storage facility in Virginia after inspectors found a widespread rodent and insect infestation on the premises. So maybe those weren’t sprinkles.

3. Yesterday, Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship, taking over the number one spot in the FedEx rankings and earning a $10 million payday. Stenson took the top ranking from Tiger Woods, but luckily Woods has ample experience losing millions of dollars to a blonde from Sweden.

4. China’s richest man, property developer Wang Jianlin, unveiled a planned $8.2 billion “motion-picture city” which is described as the biggest ever single investment in the movie and television industry. Although it seems like a bad investment since Jianlin refused to take my advice and make the city Godzilla-proof.

5. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So Putin’s hard-line stance on gay rights does have some positives effects.

6. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So enjoy Limp Bizkit, Russia.

7. A Venezuelan state agency on Friday ordered the temporary takeover of a factory that produces toilet paper in what it called an effort to ensure consistent supplies after embarrassing shortages earlier this year. So if you’re planning a trip to Venezuela any time soon, maybe go with the fist-bump instead of the handshake while there.

8. After going missing for over 75 years, the first U.S. film to warn about the dangers of Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime has been found in a Brussels archive. While the first U.S. film to glorify Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime is still locked away safely in Mel Gibson’s personal archive.

9. On Friday, New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene said that its new $316 million headquarters in the borough of Queens is infected with bed bugs. Despite that, it is still the cleanest thing in Queens.

10. Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced he was donating half a billion dollars to the Oregon Health & Science University’s cancer research institute. Which seems like a noble endeavor, but it should be noted that the mission of the institute is to give cancer to Nick Saban.

11. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. Said Bolton, “And now it’s a waiting game.”

12. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. I get the feeling that the cane Soros used to walk down the aisle wasn’t the only thing that was “iron-clad.”