February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

October 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop-star Katy Perry had a malfunction during a concert in Nashville last week that left her suspended in the air above the audience. But, to her credit, Perry’s been stuck in worse situations, after all, she was marred to Russell Brand for two years.

2. Singer Justine Skye dropped to a knee toward the end of her rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Brooklyn Nets home opener against the Orlando Magic last Friday. Which seems pointless because I assume anyone at a Nets-Magic game is there in protest.

3. According to a new study, mothers around the world have similar responses to hearing their babies cry. And, strictly from the research I’ve conducted on planes, that response is to completely ignore their baby.

4. John McCain took what was widely seen as a swipe at President Trump as he condemned the ways in which wealthier Americans avoided serving in the Vietnam War. In response, Trump said, “Thank you for calling me ‘wealthy.’”

5. Nemo, the young dog adopted this year by France’s Emmanuel Macron, was caught on camera relieving himself on a gilded fireplace in the Elysee Palace on Monday. Hey, at least it’s your leader’s dog who doesn’t know where to pee:

6. According to a new study, smokers who have had more than five sexual partners are at a greater risk of getting cancer. Begging the question, how the fuck is Keith Richards still alive?

7. Last week, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said that adults will wear diapers instead of sharing a restroom with transgender people. That story again, Fox News host Laura Ingraham promises to shit herself to teach you a lesson.

8. According to a new study, people struggling with irritable bowel syndrome might do better on an individualized diet. And if you have irritable bowel syndrome, you should probably get used to do most things individually.

9. Singer Kid Rock ruled out running for Senate on Tuesday, saying that his earlier hints about seeking office next year were a lark to get publicity for his upcoming album. So good news, Kid Rock was joking about running for Senate, bad news, I don’t think he was joking about releasing a new album.

10. A Brooklyn mother-daughter duo were arrested last week for allegedly stealing $250,000 worth of Staples gift cards. Come on, be a contributing member of society, do what all the rest of us when we need office supplies, steal them from work.

11. Authorities say a man accused of trying to rent a car in Delaware using a fake ID was caught hiding in a trash can. But, to his credit, he’s really sticking to that ID:

12. Jeff Glor was named the anchor of ‘The CBS Evening News’ this week. CBS News is known for their in-depth investigative journalism so hopefully they’ll be able to figure out who the fuck Jeff Glor is.

13. This week the NAACP issued a travel advisory cautioning African Americans about flying on American Airlines. But, in their defense, as any student of U.S. history will tell you, naming themselves ‘American’ airlines should have been fair warning.

14. A scrap of paper where Albert Einstein wrote his “theory of happiness” in 1922 just sold for $1.56 million. Yet the scrap of paper where I wrote my “theory of happiness” remains unsold:

15. President Donald Trump declined to say on Wednesday whether he will visit the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone during an upcoming Asia tour. Said Trump, “Is there a golf course there?”

16. The number four ranked golfer in the world, Hideki Matsuyama, has accepted the invitation to play golf with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe next month. Hopefully it goes better than Trump’s last outing with an Asian golfer:

17. Aston Martin has begun selling a special Tom Brady Signature Edition car for $359,950 that was designed by the New England quarterback himself. Not to be outdone, Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Kevin Hogan is looking to sell his 1992 Geo Metro.

18. Kellogg’s says it’s changing the art on its Corn Pops cereal box after a consumer complained it was racist. They’re also having a hard time explaining this picture:

19. Lady Gaga and former Vice President Joe Biden have teamed up to shoot a PSA against sexual assault. And, now, for the rebuttal:

20. The NYPD is currently searching for a man who left a crime scene wearing a fedora and a $48,000 watch. Police are calling every man who lives in New Jersey a person of interest.

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

October 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During halftime of Monday night’s NFL matchup between Eli Manning’s New York Giants and the Chip Kelly coached Philadelphia Eagles a new trailer for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie “The Force Awakens” aired featuring glimpses of Kylo Ren and the First Order. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of “Stars Wars” or the NFL.

2. On Monday, a man in Maryland was charged with biting another man’s testicle during a bar fight. Police have released the guilty man’s mugshot:Nutcracker joke

3. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “For a long time I didn’t realize there was another option,” said Selena Gomez.

4. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “Give the other half my number and I’ll fix that,” said Russell Brand.

5. On Tuesday, Subway announced that they will start serving antibiotic-free chicken and turkey in all their U.S. restaurants by next year. So surely that will be the Subway story that people will remember from this year.

6. According to a new survey, almost half of elderly people don’t have an accurate sense of how much longer they’re likely to live. Begging the question, what does that survey taker know that those poor old people don’t?

7. At a press conference on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb officially ended his bid for the White House. Leaving the remaining candidates scrambling to scoop up that all-important high school woodshop teacher vote.

8. Former U.S. Senator Jim Webb said on Tuesday he will drop his long-shot bid for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. So let me get this straight, you finally have the chance to speak uninterrupted and you quit? Kind of a let-down.

9. Fugitive cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman fell off what appeared to be a small cliff as special forces chased him earlier this month. Apparently the Acme brand parachute bought by El Chapo turned out to be nothing more than a backpack containing an anvil. When reached for comment, a member of the Mexican special forces said, “Meep! Meep!”

10. Milwaukee Bucks forward John Henson has accused a local jeweler of racial profiling after its employees locked him out and called police when he went to the store to buy a watch. Said the store owner, “I’m not racist,” adding, “I’ve sold watches to plenty of black men, presumably because they’re sick of being late all the time.”

March 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Shayanna Jenkins, the fiancee of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez who now stands accused of murder, testified that she remembered seeing a gun “in the kitchen junk drawer.” Although, at that point, I think you can call it the gun drawer.

2. Last week, the Oprah Winfrey television network announced that it will produce a reality show about a man who has 34 children with 17 different women. That story again, the O Network is gonna start airing NBA games.

3. The first U.S. penny, which is 223 years old, sold for nearly $1.2 million dollars last week. Not since Rob Reiner’s wedding day has someone overvalued a Penny by that much.

4. A 32-year-old Arizona woman has been arrested for allegedly exposing her breasts to several guests at a bar-mitzvah party before engaging in oral sex with a 15-year-old boy. Apparently she misunderstood when the Rabbi said it was time for the Hora.

5. According to research, mothers who are overweight before pregnancy and those who gain too much weight while pregnant are more likely to have obese seven-year-olds. While men who tell pregnant women they are gaining too much weight are more likely to have black-eyes.

6. According to a new study, eyeliner applied on the inside of the eyelash is very likely to move into the eye itself and cause problems. So take note, women and Russell Brand.

7. According to a new memo, the Secret Service has issued new guidelines on the consumption of alcoholic beverages and the operation of government issued vehicles. Said the memo, “Don’t.”

8. Mayor Rahm Emanuel is reportedly considering renaming one of Chicago’s airports after President Obama. Said Emanuel, “I think it’s an idea everyone can get behind, in fact, I even heard some Republicans talking about Obama’s estimated time of departure.”

9. According to research, the collapse of the universe will happen sooner than expected. Because, apparently, Kim Kardashian has been making some progress on the Rubik’s Cube.

10. A new device modeled after the Keurig coffee machine has been developed that makes instant Jell-O shots. “Where have you been all my life?” said Bill Cosby.

November 19, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. George Zimmerman, who was acquitted this summer in the shooting of Trayvon Martin, was arrested in Florida after he allegedly pointed a shotgun at his girlfriend during a domestic dispute. I am not one to take domestic violence lightly, but it’s hard to feel bad for a girl who thought it was a good idea to date George Zimmerman.

2. George Zimmerman was arrested yesterday after a domestic disturbance was reported from his residence and the policeman who drew the shortest straw showed-up.

3. Yesterday Google announced that it will no longer allow users to search for child pornography on their site. Does “Bing” have one “g” or two?

4. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday in an attack officials said they could not explain. But, as a precautionary measure, the officials have removed all Chris Brown songs from the Zoo sound-system.

5. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday. Experts say it is likely the lioness just forgot the safe word.

6. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday in an attack officials said they could not explain. But, if I know my animals, a peppy meerkat and a slow-witted warthog will show up to lighten the mood.

7. Comedian Russell Brand was denied entry into South Africa yesterday, forcing him to cancel four shows. Asked about the reasoning behind the denial, one high-ranking South African executive said, “After over forty years of apartheid, hasn’t this country suffered enough.”

8. A Division II collegiate championship scheduled for last weekend was canceled after Virginia State University football players were accused of beating up their opponent Winston-Salem State University’s quarterback. Even worse news for Winston-Salem State fans, their back-up is Mark Sanchez.

9. According to the Wall Street Journal, the Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” will close in January. So, come January, if you want to see a guy dressed in tights, dance around and shoot a sticky white substance from his body in New York, you’ll have to head down to Chelsea.

10. “Selfie” was selected word of the year on Tuesday by the Oxford Dictionaries. Unfortunately, “Selfie’s” acceptance speech was marred when a visibly drunk “Yeezus” stormed the stage.