January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

May 13, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. But the man is not out of the woods yet, he still has to deal with the trademark infringement suit from Arby’s.

2. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. That story again, man narrowly avoids being the most popular person in prison. 

3. According to the New York Times, President Trump’s businesses lost a total of more than $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. So maybe we had it backwards and Melania had him sign a prenup.

4. On Thursday, President Trump held an impromptu press conference and said he was very upset that his son Don Jr. had been subpoenaed by the Senate. He was upset because of the subpoena, but even more upset that people knew Don Jr was his son.

5. According to a new study, drinking water that is contaminated with even moderate levels of arsenic may lead to harmful to your heart. “What about arsenic contaminated with water?” asked residents of Flint, Michigan.

6. New research has determined that couples are having less sex than in the previous two decades. Begging the question, what’s less than zero?:

7. According to a new study, sunscreen enters the bloodstream after just one day of use. That story again, Mike Pence is somehow even whiter on the inside.

8. While presenting the Army Black Knights football team with the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Monday, President Trump said he’s looking at “doing a waiver for service academy athletes who can get into the major leagues.” Trump may flip-flop on a lot of issues, but he has never wavered on his dedication to avoiding military service.

9. On Wednesday, Denver residents voted to became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize magic mushrooms. Voters said the hardest part was getting to the voting booth, especially after the voting booth morphed into a fire breathing dragon.

10. HBO updated the most recent episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ to digitally remove a coffee cup that accidentally made its way into a scene. “Wait, HBO has the ability to digitally remove things from shows?” asked the kid who played Tony Soprano’s son.

11. This week, Sheriff’s officials in Punta Gorda, Florida said a woman pulled a small alligator from her yoga pants during a traffic stop. And still the most surprising part of that story was that someone was wearing pants in Florida.

12. President Trump directed his re-election campaign to issue a blistering statement condemning a longtime political adviser who used Trump’s name to raise millions of dollars for an unaffiliated political group. If the President thinks that’s bad, wait till he finds out who else is using his name:

13. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on Tuesday sought to slam the door on further investigations of President Donald Trump by declaring “case closed” after a two-year probe of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections. “You should hang a banner,” said George W. Bush:

14. Lady Gaga made a grand entrance at New York’s annual Met Gala on Monday, wearing a voluminous bright pink dress that she shed on the red carpet to reveal three other outfits layered underneath, including a bra and underwear. Of course, when Lady Gaga does it she’s ‘a style icon,’ but when I do it I’m ‘causing a scene at this Waffle House.”

15. This week, First Lady Melania Trump celebrated the first anniversary of her Be Best campaign. And Melania celebrated this anniversary like she does all other anniversaries in her life:

16. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is denying allegations that he helped three people steal more than $3,500 in merchandise from a California yoga studio. So I guess it must have been another 6’7” heavily tattooed black man, with blue hair and earrings in his ears, nose, mouth and eyebrows.

17. President Trump, said on Thursday that he sometimes serves as a counterbalance to his hard-charging national security adviser, John Bolton. What? Do you know how legit crazy you have to be for Donald Trump to be the voice of reason?

18. An Uber driver in Pittsburgh has been arrested on charges of kidnapping after he was accused of trying to lock two women in his car and saying, “you’re not going anywhere.” Being trapped in a vehicle and told you’re not going anywhere is textbook kidnapping, unless you’re Spirit Airlines, then it’s just a business plan.

July 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005, sold at auction for $29,000 over the weekend. So, much like Hitler, appreciation for Trump’s artwork also came way too late:

2. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

3. Researchers at Brown University believe that there may be water inside the moon. So now we can add ‘the moon’ the list of places more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

4. USC football coach Clay Helton said former Heisman Trophy winning running-back and school alum O.J. Simpson would not be welcome on campus after he is released from prison. Although if I know one thing about O.J., him not being welcomed is not gonna stop him from going places:

5. According to a new report, over the past fifteen years, department stores have lost more jobs than coal mines. And, in some instances, the work conditions at the stores are worse than in the mines:

6. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

7. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said his country’s latest missile launch proves that he is capable of striking anywhere in the United States. And, by the look of Detroit, he may have already done so.

8. The Rikers Island inmate who escaped the New York City jail complex on Wednesday spent most of his seven hours of freedom hiding in bushes. “I completely understand that,” said Sean Spicer:

9. ‘The Emoji Movie’ narrowly escaped a 0% rating, earning 3% approval on the movie rating website ‘Rotten Tomatoes.’ Getting 3% instead of 0% can only mean one thing, Johnny Depp is not in the movie.

10. The Russian Foreign Ministry said it would seize two U.S. diplomatic compounds in Russia in retaliation to new sanctions passed by Congress. Come on, haven’t the Russians already seized enough American houses?:

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

April 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, inspectors noted over a dozen health code violations in the kitchen at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. So, it turns out it may not have been the view that was making patrons so queasy:

2. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” As in, Trump’s hopes for healthcare reform are also just a dream.

3. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” And, in Lord’s defense, people have been marching in the streets because of him:

4. According to a new study, the average unmarried American spent $1,596 on their dating life in 2016. While some married Americans spent double that:

5. Scientists have created a device that can pull drinking water from the air using only the power of sunlight. “Alright, now you’re just being dicks about it,” said the residents of Flint.

6. While speaking at a town hall in Oklahoma on Tuesday, Congressman Markwayne Mullin said the notion that his constituents pay his salary is “bullcrap.” And, come mid-term elections, he’ll be right.

7. Shigeo Tokuda, the world’s oldest porn star at the age of 82, credits his incredible sex drive to eating eggs every day. “So, I guess we’re getting rid of eggs,” said the guy in charge of the cafeteria at Fox News.

8. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. And also the good of mankind.

9. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. Although, if he wanted solitude he could just go to any movie theater showing a Shia LaBeouf film.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate remark about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s remark is “not without some merit.” These idiots know they can just say “no comment” right?

11. On Wednesday, the city of St. Louis sued the NFL claiming the league violated its relocation guidelines when it allowed the Rams to move to Los Angeles. If successful, the city could force the NFL to move the Rams back to St. Louis, which seems like more of a punishment.

12. A coalition of nonprofit groups on Monday sued the Trump Administration to obtain the White House visitor logs. Although, they’re gonna be really disappointed if this a scheme to get a copy of Melania’s signature.

13. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. So, if you’ve ever wondered what a day in the life of Kylie Jenner looks like, fuck you.

14. A British DJ has been sentenced to a year in jail by Tunisian authorities for remixing a Muslim call to prayer into a club song. And say what you will, but I can get behind any country that’s intent on locking up DJs.

15. A high schooler in California turned up to his junior prom this weekend with Kylie Jenner as his date. Although, to be fair, she also went with the rest of the football team as well.

September 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After her recent case of pneumonia, many are accusing Hillary Clinton of using a body-double to make public appearances when the candidate herself is not feeling well. Or, in the case of Chris Christie, a body-quadruple.
 
2. According to scientific study, it is impossible for men and women to just be friends. “Still no,” said scientific researcher Carla to her co-worker Ben.
 
3. An American chef has figured out a way to deep fry water. It is the second most unhealthy way to consume water right behind living in Flint, Michigan.

4. A South Carolina woman was arrested on Monday after she allegedly tried to remove a body from a casket during a funeral service. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Larry King met his last wife.

5. According to a new poll, two-thirds of Republicans want to see Donald Trump’s medical records. While the remaining the one-third don’t want to take the chance that the records may contain pictures.

6. A trial of self-driving Uber cars has begun in Pittsburgh. That story again, there are free cars in Pittsburgh.
 
7. The pastor who hosted Donald Trump at her church in Michigan, interrupted the Republican presidential nominee during his speech Wednesday to ask him to refrain from attacking his rival Hillary Clinton. Said Trump, “Can I interest you in some Jeb zingers I never got to use?”

8. According to a new study, women would be better off going to sleep two hours before men. Unless, of course, one of those men is Bill Cosby.

9. According to reports, campaign staffers are frustrated with Hillary Clinton’s reluctance to drink water. But, you try living with Bill for thirty years and tell me which one you’re reaching for:
drinks

10. Earlier this week, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton revealed to CNN”s Anderson Cooper that she has fainted multiple times before. Well there was Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Dolly Kyle, Eileen Wellstone, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Sally Perdue, Connie Hamzy, Lincoln Sullivan, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky, so I’m guessing she fainted eleven times.

August 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he’s afraid that the upcoming presidential election will be rigged. “You’re really sending me some mixed messages here,” said Putin.

2. The musical “Cats” will return to Broadway this weekend after a 16 year absence. Everyone’s talking about it, specifically they’re saying, “We couldn’t get tickets to “Hamilton,” so we’re seeing “’Cats.'”

3. On Monday, Goldman Sachs predicted that the United States and China will win the most gold medals at this month’s Olympic Games. Goldman Sachs is so confident in their prediction that they’re willing to bet your house on it.

4. Four members of Australia’s women’s Olympic water polo team have been quarantined after suffering an attack of gastroenteritis. “Well, I quit,” said the guy in charge of cleaning the pools in Rio.

5. According to a new study, Rio de Janeiro’s air is dirty and deadlier than portrayed by authorities. Especially if you’re standing downwind of the Romanian weightlifting team.

6. Lego has developed a large model of Rio de Janeiro ahead of this week’s opening of the 2016 Olympic Games. Unfortunately, the builders were unable to finish the coastal water areas because they ran out of black bricks.

7. According to a state released by Flint, Michigan’s mayor on Monday, there will be no trash collection in the city until further notice. It’s not due to a lack of city resources, instead, the garbage men were having a really hard time figuring out what was garbage.

8. The newly crowned Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, is being accused of racism after old tweets where she repeatedly used the n-word surfaced. But, in Hay’s defense, she didn’t win Miss Congeniality.

9. On Monday, the New York Post published photos of Melania Trump posing naked and making out with another woman. Although, if your vote is gonna be swayed by the amount of ‘girl on girl’ photos the first spouse has, I’m pretty sure that’s a vote for Hillary.

10. Over the weekend, Golden State power forward Draymond Green accidentally posted a picture of his penis on social media. No word on whether the Warriors will cut him, but, at least according to the picture, it won’t be the first time he’s been cut.

March 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, presidential candidate Ben Carson dropped out of the race saying, “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Adding, “And then I waited three months.”

2. Over the weekend, rapper Flavor Flav delivered the weather report on a local news station in Utah. Unsurprisingly, the night’s top story was “Black man spotted in Utah.”

3. During a speech Saturday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not surprised that rival Ted Cruz won the Maine caucus since it is so close to Canada. So I guess he won’t be surprised when Marco Rubio wins Kansas since it’s the only way to get to Munchkin Land.

4. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said the Republican party created “a Frankenstein monster” in Donald Trump. Which explains why Trump has such a big head and such tiny little hands.

5. Last night Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton traded barbs during a debate in Flint, Michigan that became heated at times. Although, there were conciliatory moments, like when Hillary offered to pour a tall glass of tap water for Bernie.

6. At a rally on Saturday, Donald Trump asked his supporters in attendance to raise their right hand and vow to vote for him. And, to their credit, almost half of them knew which one was their right hand.

7. After a picture of a young mother breastfeeding at a Bernie Sanders rally appeared online, the hashtag #BoobsForBernie went viral. “I knew I backed the wrong candidate,” said Bill Clinton.

8. On Saturday night, Republican Ted Cruz won the Kansas caucus, garnering 48% of the vote. “Thank God, we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto,” said Dorothy.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to retire from the NFL. Peyton wants to spend more time at home with Papa John’s family.

10. NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine or sweat. Which is why, when he landed, he was immediately named CEO of Mountain Dew.