May 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife, Sara, offered sympathetic words to visiting President Trump and his wife Melania on Monday, telling them that people still loved them despite negative media coverage. Trump said he was not used to hearing such kind words, at least, not without them having to be translated from Russian first.

2. Stephen Colbert recently revealed that former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz once went on “The Late Show” and asked the host if he could “humanize” him. Which would have made following Letterman the second hardest task Colbert has ever undertaken.

3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. “The key is pretending to fall asleep before he starts his ‘performance’,” said Melania.

4. According to ‘Politico,’ First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. Although, I’m willing to bet, she may not be passing along all those stories this week:

5. Former CIA Director John Brennan said on Tuesday that he warned the head of Russia’s FSB Security Service last summer that any interference in the U.S. election would hurt U.S.-Russian relations. Turns out, he was wrong:

6. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

7. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

8. Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase “That’s Hot.” Customers who bought the card are also suing because when they licked the stamp to send it, they somehow contracted gonorrhea.

9. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. That story again, scientists have run out of things to study.

10. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. Which explains this recent NASA transmission: “That’s one small step for man, one … oh, what did I just step in? What was it? Why did we even bring that up here? Oh come on!”

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