April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

May 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Early Monday morning, President Trump sent out a tweet congratulating golfer John Daly on his win over the weekend. That’s weird, they’re friends? I wonder what an overweight man who golfs every weekend has in common with John Daly.

2. KFC has published a romance novel featuring Colonel Sanders. Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald is this month’s ‘Playgirl’ centerfold:

3. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The director tried to warn her by pointing and screaming “hammerhead,” but she thought he was just giving notes of the scene.

4. A woman in Colombia swallowed $7,000 in cash in an attempt to hide the money from her husband during a fight. He should kiss and makeup with her as quickly as possible, not because of the money, but because a woman with a gag reflex like that is hard to find.

5. Today is National Teachers Day, a day where people are encouraged to contact former teachers and tell how they changed their lives. Which is easy for the new French President Emmanuel Marcon, he’ll just repeat his wedding vows.

6. Former acting-Attorney General Sally Yates testified on Monday that she warned President Trump’s administration that former national security adviser Michael Flynn could be susceptible to being blackmailed by the Russians. Begging the questions, how many pee tapes do these guys have?

7. Facebook users in Thailand have been blocked from seeing a picture of their king in a crop top. As opposed to America’s brave leader, who, on a weekly basis, proves that if you eat enough KFC and McDonald’s, any top can become a crop top:

8. Scientists have discovered that for some people simply looking at vertical lines may trigger a migraine or seizure. Especially if you’re from Boston:

9. A highly anticipated unauthorized biography of Barack Obama is being released today. The foreword, written by President Trump, starts, “Once upon a time in Kenya…”

10. ‘Godfather’ director Francis Ford Coppola has sent a letter to the top U.S. telecommunications regulator urging support for ‘net neutrality.’ Hopefully they get the picture and he doesn’t have to send them a second message:

May 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Heidi Cruz compared her husband Ted’s battle to become president to the country’s battle to end slavery. And she may have a point because Ted is still very concerned about who can use which bathroom.

2. On Monday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gave a speech in front of hundreds of coal miners. The speech went great until the canary living in the nest on Trump’s head died and everyone had to evacuate the mine.

3. While speaking about the affect of hairspray on the o-zone at a recent campaign rally, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “if I take hairspray and spray it in my apartment, which is all sealed, you’re telling me that affects the o-zone layer? I say no way.” Begging the question, if Trump has a room that is completely sealed off from the world, can he just stay in there? Please.

4. During a campaign rally in West Virginia, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the crowd they didn’t need to vote on Tuesday because the primary race was already over. “That’s ridiculous, if convincing people not to vote for you were the key, I’d be president right now,” said Jeb.

5. On Tuesday, Anheuser-Busch announced that it will rename its Budweiser beer “America” from May 23 through to the presidential election to “inspire drinkers to celebrate America.” Although, the ways things are going, I think people will really need a drink after the election.

6. A university in Thailand caught a group of students using smart watches and cameras concealed in glasses to cheat during entrance exams. Which is ridiculous, you’re in Thailand, just cheat off the Asian kid next to you.

7. A 36-year-old Denver man was arrested and charged Saturday for allegedly shipping 12 pounds of marijuana to his real estate agent in Delaware. Said the real estate agent, “I guess I’ll start looking for houses that are at least 500 feet away from all schools.”

8. An Arkansas judge accused of swapping sex for reduced sentences resigned Monday after a state commission said it discovered thousands of photographs from his computer that depicted nude male defendants. So, one way or another, somebody always got off.

9. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he had narrowed his potential vice presidential choices to five or six experienced politicians. Now comes the hard part, tracking down Commissioner Gordon and Mayor McCheese.

10. Actress Angelina Jolie is reportedly considering a career in politics. Her campaign slogan would be “A chicken in every pot and thirteen adopted refugees in every garage.”

November 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a drink with Jesus. Although, if he truly is a fiscal conservative, he’ll order two glasses of water and let Jesus take it from there.

2. Pope Francis had to be helped up the steps to an altar at a Roman basilica on Monday, the second time he has fallen publicly since Saturday. Sounds like the Pope has been partying with Jimmy Fallon.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoed a legislative package aimed at rescuing Atlantic City just before a deadline to act on Monday. Christie said he decided to veto the bill after he found out that other places had buffets.

4. On Monday, President Obama joined Facebook. “Obama’s on Facebook? I gotta delete some stuff off my feed!” said your uncle.

5. According to a new report, good evidence on the safety of silicone gel breast implants is still lacking almost 10 years after they were reintroduced to the U.S. market. “I’m gathering data as fast as I can,” said Bill Clinton.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush told the Huffington Post that, if given the opportunity, he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler. And, to make his life a little easier today, he would also go back in time and vote for Gore.

7. In what many called a surprise win, Filipina Trixie Maristela was crowned Miss International Queen 2015 at a contest in Thailand billed as the world’s largest transgender pageant. Although no one was as surprised as Trixie’s longtime boyfriend, Mark.

8. 50-year-old retired wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin told the Dallas Morning News he could quarterback the Cowboys until Tony Romo return from injury. And, in future news, New York Giant quarterback Eli Manning is out with a concussion after he rolled out on a 3rd and long and was hit over the head with a folding chair.

9. Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant “Death to America,” saying that it does not mean death to America but instead refers to America’s policies. Kinda like how you’ve stopped trying to correct your grandpa when he says something racist in favor of just waiting for him to die.

10. In a recent interview, Joe Lacob, owner of the Golden State Warriors, implied that he and his wife involved the team’s recent NBA championship trophy in their sex life. Lacob said it’s insurance that if at some point in the future the NBA determines the team cheated and wants to expunge their championship from the record books, they won’t ask for the trophy back.

March 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.K.’s Prince Harry announced, after nearly a decade of service in the British military, he has decided to leave the armed forces. Harry said he wants to focus on his real life passion of doing absolutely nothing.

2. Thailand’s military government warned women on Monday against posting ‘selfie’ photos of the lower half of their breasts saying such actions could violate the country’s computer crime laws. That story again, Thailand has completely missed the point of the internet.

3. A Pakistani motorcyclist has been arrested in the city of Lahore after police caught him riding naked along a busy road. When police apprehended the man he was in the process of revving his hog, and he was also gunning the motorcycle’s engine.

4. It was reported yesterday that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has agreed to fight former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield for charity. Not to be outdone, Chris Christie has challenged Butterbean to a pie-eating contest.

5. BlackBerry unveiled its newest smartphone yesterday that was designed by Porsche and costs nearly $2,000. It’s a great way to let people know you have a tiny penis even when you’re not driving your Porsche.

6. According to a new survey, thirty percent of adults in the U.S. have taken steps to hide their information from government surveillance programs. Because nothing says “I’m very protective over my personal information” like answering a question posed by a complete stranger on that very topic.

7. Despite the ubiquity of online fitness videos, experts say aging baby-boomers still prefer to use instructional DVDs to exercise. Which makes sense, because boomers really break a sweat trying to figure out how to put the workout DVD into their VCRs.

8. South African doctors have achieved what they call the world’s first successful penis transplant operation. “Depends on what you call successful,” said the penis donor.

9. According to a new study, a simple vision test using a stopwatch and flashcards can help parents and coaches diagnose young athletes with concussions. The way it works is, if your kid can’t tell the difference between the stopwatch and the flashcards, he has a concussion.

10. On Friday, Pope Francis said the devil is punishing Mexico with criminal violence. While the devil is apparently punishing the U.S. with another “Grown Ups” film.

November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

October 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cylvia Hayes, the fiancee of Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber, said on Thursday she had once married an 18-year-old immigrant student in exchange for $5,000 which she used to pay her school tuition and buy a laptop. Said Hayes, “Wait, I used the $5,000 for tuition, I bought the laptop with my stripping money.”

2. According to the Wall Street Journal, Amazon.com may soon open its first brick-and-mortar store in midtown Manhattan. Said Amazon executives, “We always felt like our online store was missing homeless vagrants wandering around out front.”

3. A new study suggests physical exercise helps the body purge a harmful protein associated with depression. Unless, of course, that physical exercise is playing football for the New York Jets.

4. More than two dozen lawmakers want the U.S. to ban travelers from all Western African countries until the Ebola outbreak is under control. And some Republican lawmakers even want the ban to be retroactive starting from the date President Obama was born.

5. Stars who have used drugs, visited prostitutes or been involved in other law-breaking activities will not be allowed to appear on Chinese television, movie screens or other forms of broadcast, state media said on Thursday. Which explains why their version of the hit CBS show is entitled “One and a Half Men.”

6. Police have found Germany’s biggest-ever stash of heroin, with an estimated street value of $60 million hidden in a truckload of pickled cucumbers and garlic. But it kinda sounds like they found some pickled cucumbers and garlic in a truckload of heroin.

7. In an attempt to combat widespread corruption in Thailand, traffic policemen will now get money in return for refusing bribes. Or, more accurately, policemen in Thailand will now get money for claiming they refused bribes.

8. China is on the hunt for a Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin, state media said on Thursday, after the animal roamed into the communist country. And you can tell it’s Putin’s tiger because it has no respect for borders.

9. During a special meeting called by Pope Francis this week, Cardinals met with married couples to discuss the importance of sex. And, unlike most meetings with Cardinals on this subject, it didn’t end with a discussion about the importance of keeping a secret.

10. A prosecutor in Texas wants Adrian Peterson arrested and his bond revoked after the NFL star allegedly admitted to “smoking a little weed” while out on bail on child abuse charges. Said Peterson’s son, “I actually prefer him on marijuana, he’s a little more mellow.”

11. Yesterday, President Obama was the headliner at a Democratic fundraising event in the backyard of actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s California home. Paltrow said the goal of the event was to get people to consciously uncouple with their money.

12. A finalist to head the nation’s largest Native American tribe will not be allowed to continue his candidacy after refusing to prove his fluency in the Navajo language. “Come on guys, you don’t trust me?” said Daniel Snyder.

13. Obama administration officials on Wednesday said an improved HealthCare.gov website should be able to break its own record for online traffic next month. And, with any luck, the following month they may even be able to break double-digits.

14. Ferguson, Missouri authorities are drawing up contingency plans fearing what may happen if a grand jury does not indict a white officer for killing a black teen. Their contingency plan, extra riot gear.