Tag Archives: AFC

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

January 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Olympic track legend Carl Lewis said back in 2011 when he was mulling over a run at a New Jersey state senate seat, Governor Chris Christie attempted to dissuade him by saying the fitness program they had been developing together wouldn’t materialize if he ran. Although that sounds less like Christie not wanting Lewis to run and more like Christie not wanting to be part of a fitness program.

2. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie began his second term by taking the oath office for a second time. And, if we know anything about Christie it’s that he’s great at taking seconds.

3. Yesterday MTV announced that Miley Cyrus will be starring in her own episode of the channel’s famed “Unplugged” series. An, I think you mis-interpreted my “Miley should pull the plug on her career” suggestion.

4. Only a few days removed from losing the AFC Championship, New England quarterback Tom Brady told reporters that he most likely would not be watching the upcoming SuperBowl. Which makes sense, because if, in the future, he wants to watch the game I’m sure his coach is recording it.

5. The inspiring escape-from-poverty story that helped Texas Democrat Wendy Davis rise to political prominence has now come under suspicion by some who claim that she has embellished parts of her biography to aid in her campaign for governor. Although I tend to think a former Pope wouldn’t lie about her past like that.

6. Comedian Ellen DeGeneres’ daytime talk show will be the first daily American show if its kind to be distributed in China. Ellen’s show will air daily at 4pm sandwiched between “Everyone Loves Xi Jinping” and “How I Bought Your Mother.”

7. The U.S. is offering American technology used to thwart roadside bombs in places like Afghanistan to bolster Russia’s security during the Winter Olympics. And, in related news, DON’T GO TO RUSSIA FOR THE OLYMPICS!!!!!!

8. Outspoken real estate magnate Donald Trump said on Tuesday he may seek the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. But he’s still unsure so the media should probably pay attention to him every day for the next two years.

9. The TV writer credited with coming up with the phrase “What you talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” died at the age of 92. His last words were “Please don’t put it on my tombstone.”

10. A former Wisconsin medical examiner who took a piece of spinal cord that had been removed from a corpse to train her cadaver dog, pleaded guilty to felony charges on Friday. Said the dog, “I begged her to make me a drug-sniffing dog.”