March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

June 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A third Alabama schoolteacher has been arrested for alleged sexual misconduct with a student. That’s crazy, who knew they even had three teachers in Alabama?

2. It was announced yesterday that a sitcom based on the life of Tom Arnold is in the works. The show will be called, “So Jim Belushi Said No.”

3. A California man has visited Disneyland for the past 2,000 days in a row. Said the man, “I know I can’t go within 200 feet of a school, but the judge didn’t say anything about amusement parks.”

4. A musical based on the life of Princess Diana is coming to Broadway. And I believe they already made a Broadway musical about Camilla Parker Bowles:

5. The heir to the luxury crystal brand Swarovski got married over the weekend in a dress encrusted with 500,000 jewels that weighed 100 pounds. The bride weighing an extra 100 pounds should prepare the groom for married life.

6. Researchers have found that older people who have sex more often increase their brain power. Yup, that checks out:

7. ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is under fire for using a photographic backdrop showing two African-Americans in slave-era clothing. But, in the show’s defense, it was a prize puzzle, and the prize was a trip to see a taping of Bill Maher.

8. According to reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. I assume because the fire marshall told Kim the amount of people allowed inside of her has reached maximum occupancy.

9. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stirred up social media on Wednesday when she opened parliament in a hat looking very much like a European Union flag. Which really drew attention away from her “Who Farted?” t-shirt:

10. Korean scientists have developed glasses that allow the wearer to see sound. So far, seven people have gone blind listening to Kesha.

11. A Jerusalem court ruled on Wednesday that airline employees cannot ask women to change seats to spare a man from having to sit next to a woman. “Bummer,” said this guy:

12. According to a new study, fathers who get more involved in raising their children may be helping to lower their kids’ risk of obesity. That story again, Barron’s gonna be fat.

13. Today is take your dog to work day. Which is easily the most hectic day at the squirrel factory.

14. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. That story again, there’s a 39% chance that wasn’t White Out.

July 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was officially named the Democratic nominee for president, becoming the first female nominee for a major U.S. party. A night that many believe was a hundred years in the making, although Debbie Wasserman Schultz ballparks it at about a year and a half.

2. According to reports, Democrats beat Republicans in the TV ratings when comparing the first nights of their respective party’s Conventions. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, we had Chachi!?!”

3. On Monday, the Cleveland Cavaliers signed head coach Tyron Lue to a five year, $35 million contract. Which comes out to $7 million a year to ask LeBron what play he wants to run.

4. Donald Trump slammed Democrats on Tuesday for not once mentioning ISIS during the first day of the Democratic Convention. Which, in Trump’s book, is an unforgivable sin, just behind not mentioning him.

5. A man in the Czech town of Prerov could not pay his bar bill so he stripped down naked, left his clothes at the bar as collateral and headed out to get cash. Begging the question, where did he keep his ATM card?

6. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

7. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh opened his speech Monday night at the Democratic Convention by saying he was an alcoholic. “Look who’s plagiarizing now,” said the Kennedy estate.

8. A Florida man pleaded guilty on Monday to illegally funneling $80,000 in foreign contributions to President Obama’s fundraising campaign in 2012 so that a foreign national could attend a campaign event. The court didn’t release the identity of the foreign national, but that didn’t stop Fox News from speculating:obama

9. Dr. Dre was detained outside his home Monday morning after L.A. police received a call from a motorist who alleged the rapper had threatened him with a gun. The encounter ended with beats, but not by Dre.

10. Dating app Tinder has introduced Tinder Social which allows users to swipe right to meet up and go on dates with groups. “Finally,” said Mormon men.

July 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Johnny Depp altered the tattoo he had of former wife Amber Heard’s nickname on his knuckles to read “scum.” Oh Johnny, if only it were that easy to erase all of your mistakes:
mortdecai

2. The world’s most obese kid is a 423 pound Indonesia boy who is only 10-years-old. Or, as it’s referred to at that weight, middle-aged.

3. Nigerian militant group the Niger Delta Avengers said last week that its only Twitter account was suspended and all other accounts claiming to represent the group are false. So, at least for now, the best way to read the terror group’s hate-filled messages is to wait for Donald Trump to retweet them.

4. Snapchat announced a new feature that enables users to save their content, a big change for the social messaging app widely used for sending photos and videos that disappear in a day. And, in related news, Hillary Clinton has quit Snapchat.

5. According to sources, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie top Donald Trump’s short list to be his vice-presidential running mate. The last time Gingrich and Christie topped a list they were waiting for a table at a Cheesecake Factory. (They’re both rather tubby)

6. Bikes will be checked for hidden motors during stages of the Tour de France as part of plans to crack down on cheats in this year’s race. “Motors!?!” said a disgusted Lance Armstrong, “In my day you won the honest way, by replacing all the blood in your body with the blood of a better athlete.”

7. Marco Rubio, former rival to presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump, will skip the Republican National Convention. So, in this case, at least one child will be left behind.

8. A man in Tennessee was caught in bed with a mannequin he had stolen from the Hustler Hollywood store in downtown Nashville earlier that day. His wife was shocked by the news:
blow up doll1

9. A grandfather in California spent $6,500 to build a DisneyLand-themed park in his backyard to convince his grandchildren to visit more. Although, I don’t think it’s gonna work since Tomorrowland is just a bunch of crying kids standing over a coffin saying, “Why didn’t we spend more time with him.”

10. On Saturday, former New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter married girlfriend model Hannah Davis. Jeter tied the knot after a twenty-three year bachelor party.

May 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

2. This week President Obama signed a bill removing all “Orientals” and “Negros” from federal laws. A bill Donald Trump was in favor of until he read the ‘from federal laws’ part at the end.

3. Online retailer Amazon has purchased a Seattle hotel and is converting it into a homeless shelter. Or, as the people who were already staying at that Days Inn thought of it, an upgrade.

4. A 31-year-old man in England who was balding claims he saw a 75% increase in Tinder matches after having a hair transplant. “Any word on whether that holds true for Grindr?” said John Travolta.

5. Yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders requested a recount in the closely contested Kentucky primary he lost to Hillary Clinton last week. “You mean, I have to do this all over again?” said the one guy in Kentucky who can count.

6. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:
glue

7. On Monday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23rd Beyonce Day in the state. News flash Minnesota, everyday is Beyonce day. Now bow down!!!!!!

8. A poet in Myanmar who wrote in October that he had a tattoo of the country’s president on his penis was found guilty on Tuesday of defamation and sentenced to a six-month jail term. Even worse, I’m pretty sure he plagiarized Maya Angelou.

9. Veterans Affairs Secretary Bob McDonald recently compared the “experience” of waiting for health care at a VA hospital to Disneyland guests waiting in line for a ride. “The VA lines are far worse, in fact, if they were shorter, I’d probably go by a different name,” said Captain Hook.

10. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:
penny

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:
HIllary

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

January 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In New York, a gang of strippers is being charged with drugging male clients and robbing them of hundreds of thousands of dollars. “You got it all wrong, you’re supposed to give them money afterwards,” said Bill Cosby.

2. According to reports, Cleveland Browns quarterback and supposed reformed-partier Johnny Manziel was in Las Vegas on Saturday night through early Sunday morning gambling, dining and partying in a wig and fake mustache. But, in his defense, if you played for the Browns, you’d wear a disguise too.

3. On Tuesday, NBC announced that MMA fighter Ronda Rousey will host Saturday Night Live on January 23rd. Rousey is the first guest to make a living beating up women since Chris Brown hosted.

4. According to a new trial, a vaginal suppository containing the hormone known as DHEA is a good alternative to estrogen for women with menopause. Begging the question, how bad is taking estrogen?

5. Republican front-runner Donald Trump said, if elected, he probably won’t talk as much. To do so, Trump said he’ll just pretend that he’s Rand Paul at a presidential debate.

6. According to a new report, insomnia is more common amongst women than men. “When God closes a door, he opens a window,” said Bill Cosby.

7. According to a new report, in the event of a natural disaster or epidemic, the U.S. may not have enough medical resources to aid affected children. “Come on epidemic,” said Octomom.

8. Scientists at the University of Washington are conducting a study to determine whether marijuana smokers are more or less likely to drink alcohol. Said study participants, “I love science!”

9. A delivery man for a southern California Dominos has been arrested after stabbing a customer during a fight about a delayed pizza. Which must have been a nice change of pace for that Dominos’ customer who is used to having his body destroyed from the inside.

10. A Muslim man in London says his family was barred because of their religion from boarding a plane bound for Los Angeles, where they planned to visit Disneyland with their children. Even worse than the blatant racism, now they have to go to EuroDisney.

October 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, presidential hopeful Donald Trump jokingly sent a case of Trump Ice Natural Spring Water to rival Marco Rubio with the note “Since you’re always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy.” And, as a final insult, they put the water bottles just out of Rubio’s reach.

2. Disneyland has upped the price of its most expensive yearly passes to $1,049 from $779. Disney execs said they increased the price to make up for the expected loses now that their most loyal customer, Jared Fogle, is in jail.

3. According to a new study, Singapore is the country with the smartest high-school-aged kids in the world. Not to be outdone, American high-school students just learned that Singapore is a country.

4. Physician-assisted suicide will become legal in California under a bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown on Monday. “I’m back, baby!” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

5. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday said removing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is a top priority. Wait, she wants to be president of that country, too!?!

6. A hunter in Montana claims he fended off a grizzly bear by shoving his arm into its throat to induce a gag reflex that frightened it away. Said the hunter, “But, if you encounter a bear without a gag reflex, marry it.”

7. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said pregnancy is the ‘worst experience’ of her life. Which is saying something coming from someone who has to try to carry on a coherent conversation with Kanye West on a daily basis.

8. On Monday, singer Nick Jonas denied ever wearing a diaper onstage while performing. “Don’t knock it till you try it” said the Rolling Stones.

9. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said it was important to be unpredictable. And, true to his word, he then complimented Carly Fiorina.

10. Pope Francis on Sunday reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage. Adding, “But Ryan Gossling is making it really fucking difficult.”

August 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Disney announced the creation of two massive Star Wars expansions at its Disneyland and Disney World resorts. Said Star Wars fans, “Can we get a kid’s rate if we still live in our parent’s basement?”

2. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will really feel like 32 hours.

3. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

4. Donald Trump on Saturday called Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while at the State Department “a criminal problem.” Which, compared to his recent comments about women, is basically a compliment.

5. Donald Trump said Saturday that he’s prepared to spend $1 billion on his campaign if necessary. While fellow Republican candidate Rick Perry wants to know if he can crash on your couch for a bit.

6. In a recent interview, Chicago Cubs manager Joe Madden said he has not changed his socks during his team’s current nine-game winning streak. As a result, the players are considering throwing a game due to the smell.

7. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Even worse, his friend was a 47-year-old drifter.

8. A man in Australia is recovering after receiving 100 stitches on his penis when he was bitten by his dog during a game of fetch. But, on the plus-side, 100 stitches is pretty impressive.

9. Advisors close to Vice President Joe Biden are telling him he needs to decide whether he will run for president in 2016 by October 1st. Which will leave Biden just a month to decide what he wants to be for Halloween.

10. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. But, this is the type of thing that’ll happen when you defund to Planned Parenthood.