June 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis Rivera accidentally swallowed a wasp while speaking to reporters. Of course, the last time President Trump encountered a wasp he made her Secretary of Education:

2. Yesterday, Mattel unveiled a new line of Ken dolls, one of which, has a man bun. Just like the previous versions, this doll is not anatomically correct, but, thanks to the man bun, it no longer matters.

3. Megyn Kelly’s interview with conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, which aired on NBC Sunday night, got lower ratings than a rerun of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’ Given the chance to watch people publicly embarrass and demean themselves on national TV, the public chose to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ instead.

4. A trove of original Nazi artifacts, including a bust of Adolf Hitler and intricate wooden boxes designed with Swastikas, was discovered hidden in an art collectors home in Argentina. “That’s crazy,” said Steve Bannon, “why would you hide that stuff?”

5. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. And, according to one respondent, 100% of Oval Office workers:

6. People are reportedly sending hate mail to the wrong Shakespeare companies across the country, blaming them for the New York Public Theater’s controversial production of ‘Julius Caesar.’ And even less informed people are sending death threats to Shakespeare himself.

7. Last week, Beyonce gave birth to twins. Luckily she has ample experience supporting two free-loaders:

8. On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will release the text of their healthcare bill tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing, they plan to vote on it today.

9. The PGA Tour said on Tuesday it will begin blood testing next season and will revise its list of banned substances. And, in a related story, Tiger Woods has retired from golf.

10. This week, NASA said it wants to send an expedition to Uranus to probe for gas. That story again, NASA is now run by six-year-olds.

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