Tag Archives: FDA

July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

August 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Security experts believe that cybercriminals are trying to manipulate the U.S. presidential election. “I’m back in the game, baby!” said Bernie.

2. Yesterday it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Because who better to help you prepare to debate the first female presidential candidate in United States history than the guy who was just fired for allegedly sexually harassing a bunch of women. Who’s his other advisor, Cosby?

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited Milwaukee on Tuesday, just days after the city erupted in violent riots. And I can think of no better deterrent to civil unrest than knowing it will result in a visit from Donald Trump.

4. Actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announced via a joint statement on Tuesday that they have privately settled their divorce case. Details of how much Heard got in the settlement weren’t released but I think it’s safe to say she’ll never have to buy another scarf for the rest of her life.

5. A Navy sailor facing prison time for taking photos of a classified U.S. nuclear submarine is asking a federal judge for leniency, citing the government’s decision not to indict Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified information. And, if that doesn’t work, he plans on taking a page out of the other candidate’s book and claiming he can’t get a fair trial because the judge is Mexican.

6. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. Proving that any female swimming event can be considered synchronized swimming if the women hang around each other enough.

7. The FDA wants to make it harder to buy and sell poop. “Alright, I guess we’ll just give away our CD then,” said Nickelback.

8. In a recently released song, rapper The Game claims to have slept with three Kardashians. “So…?” said the entire NBA.

9. In response to allegations of cheating, actor Billy Bob Thornton assured Johnny Depp that he never slept with Depp’s ex-wife Amber Heard. Said Thornton, “My name is Billy Bob. She’s not my sister. Case closed.”

10. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Which goes a long way in explaining their new choice for the Colonel:

kfc

April 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Virginia’s governor vetoed a bill on Monday that would have made the state the first in the country to require that parents be notified if students were assigned readings labeled “sexually explicit.” Although I think parents will be notified anyway by how much time little Timmy is all of a sudden spending in the bathroom.

2. Democratic presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders vowed to nominate Latinos into key cabinet posts in their administrations if elected. Republican front-runner Donald Trump also vowed to nominate Latinos into his cabinet, specifically the position of monitoring the new wall with Mexico from the Mexican side of it.

3. Over the weekend, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin asked Wisconsin voters to turnout for GOP front-runner Donald Trump by posting a picture of her posing with a dead hog she had shot. As opposed to posing with a hog that is only dead on the inside:
trumpchristie

4. Under a new bill signed into law in Wisconsin on Monday, employers must provide leave to employees who are absent because they are donating an organ. And yet, when I offer to ‘donate my organ’ to Brenda in accounting, I have to talk to HR about it.

5. Last week, a teacher in Texas allegedly called a 12-year-old Muslim honor-student a terrorist. But, in the teacher’s defense, in Texas that is part of the curriculum.

6. Presidential candidate Donald Trump is backing away from the pledge he signed in September to support the eventual Republican nominee, now declining to rule out a third-party bid. The last time Trump waffled on such a public pledge, Ivana got half his shit.

7. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said on Friday it was taking steps to cut inorganic arsenic levels in infant rice cereal. “Better stock up now,” said Casey Anthony.

8. On Friday, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said Mexican immigrants are being seduced into coming to America “with gift baskets of teddy bears and soccer balls” and her daughter, Bristol, mocked the female reporter suing Donald Trump’s campaign manager for battery. Begging the question, is Trig the smartest person in that family.

9. An marijuana activist group held a “smoke-out” in front of the White House on Saturday in an effort to urge President Obama to reschedule the drug’s current classification. After which the group joined in chants like “One. Two. Three. Four. Does anyone remember what we’re here for?”

10. The communist country of China has restricted Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without permission from the government. Said Buddhist monks, “Who died and put you in charge? No, seriously, who?”

January 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Actor Robert Downey Jr., who spent time in prison in the late 1990s for drug convictions, received a full and unconditional pardon last week from California Governor Jerry Brown. Which can only mean one thing, Jerry Brown never saw “Due Date.”

2. On Thursday, Xochitl Hinojosa, a spokeswoman for Hillary Clinton, said the Democratic candidate has “real concerns” about reports that the U.S. government is intensifying the deportation of Central American migrants who are in the country illegally. Although, maybe, this a story Hillary’s other spokeswoman, Mary Smith, should have handled.

3. Taiwanese researchers have developed an app for your iPhone that can differentiate between a variety of crying sounds made by babies. The most common cry, put down your damn phone.

4. A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a small-town Canadian jewelry store at gunpoint on Christmas Eve, before dashing away in a Hummer. I wasn’t sure he was an asshole until the Hummer part.

5. Former New York Governor George Pataki told reporters last Tuesday he will be dropping out of the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Said reporters, “And you are who?”

6. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said his New Year’s Resolution for 2016 is to develop and code an artificial intelligence personal assistant to help run his life. “Well, fuck you too,” said his actual assistant.

7. According to a new report, a story that Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is fond of telling on the campaign trail, in which he was named the NRA’s “Statesman of the Year” and awarded a gun by Charlton Heston, is not true. “Hey, making up stories is my thing,” said Ben Carson.

8. Yesterday, Tom Coughlin stepped down as head coach of the New York Giants after a 6-10 record in 2015. Coughlin said he wants to spend more time at home being disappointed by his family.

9. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Monday released his first television commercial in the 2016 race for the White House. The ad will air exclusively in the early voting states of Iowa and New Hampshire and will always interrupt a Jeb Bush ad.

10. The FDA said on Monday it had taken steps to strengthen the data requirements for surgical mesh devices when used to repair pelvic organ prolapse via the vagina. Which is good news for patients and great news for Shaq’s wife.

August 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, customer data stolen from the infidelity website Ashley Madison was published by hackers on the “dark web,” a part of the internet that can’t be found by common search engines like Google. Said cheaters whose info was stolen, “Wait, there’s a part of the internet that, let’s say a significant other, can’t search?”

2. On Tuesday, the FDA approved a drug to treat low sexual desire in women. “Talk about bad timing,” said Cosby.

3. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Zimmerman said he did this to remind everyone that he is still human garbage.

4. Yesterday, Google launched a Wi-Fi router designed for personal, home use. The router will scan the airwaves to spot the quickest connection allowing Google to steal your information faster than ever before.

5. On Tuesday, the Spanish government condemned a reggae festival’s decision to cancel a concert by a Jewish musician after he refused to clarify his position on Palestinian statehood. Although, you had my support at “condemned a reggae festival.”

6. On Tuesday, President Obama appointed the first openly transgender White House staff member. “Really?” said Janet Reno.

7. The first recording contract ever signed by the Beatles is expected to fetch over $150,000 when it goes up for auction next month. It would go for more, but Ringo signed it as well.

8. A new startup in San Francisco is working to deliver medical marijuana via drones. Because what better way to service a paranoid customer base than by sending drones to their homes.

9. Now that she’s 18, Kylie Jenner has been offered up to $10 million to star in a sex tape with her boyfriend. And I have the perfect name for it, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

10. On Monday, Republican Donald Trump completed his jury duty in New York in one day. Said Trump, “They had to dismiss me because it’s impossible to find eleven people who could be considered my peers.”

July 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday vowed to battle climate change with a plan to generate enough clean energy to power every U.S. home by 2027. Her plan, get rid of a lot of U.S. homes by 2027.

2. A new study suggests, teens are more likely to use electronic cigarettes if their fiends and family view them as cool. That story again, douchebags tend to hang out together.

3. A fugitive bank robber-turned-actor was arrested on Monday in Washington after U.S. agents spotted his picture in a newspaper article about a low-budget horror film in which he plays an evil doctor. Said the man, “I knew I should have taken that role in ‘Pixels,’ no one would have seen me in that.”

4. The FDA has banned the import of fresh cilantro from Mexico after evidence showed the crop could be tainted with human feces. Said Taco Bell, “Ew, cilantro.”

5. While giving a speech in Florida, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the race for the Republican nomination will be a long one and called himself “a joyful tortoise.” “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Mitch McConnell.

6. After getting into a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth in Germany Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf said he “would have killed her” if onlookers hadn’t intervened. Marking the first time anyone was happy to have watched something that Shia LaBeouf was involved in.

7. Thirty-five women who allege they were sexually assaulted by comedian Bill Cosby are featured on the cover of this week’s ‘New York’ magazine. Said Cosby, “See, you’re on the cover of a magazine, I told I would help you with your careers.”

8. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” Which means somewhere in the world there’s a room full of monkeys on typewriters hard at work.

9. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Giving new meaning to the term “lightning rod.”

10. Doctors in China saved a man’s severed hand by initially grafting it onto his leg. Said the man, “It would have been really convenient if you had attached it just a little bit higher.”

June 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. AOL launched a new homepage yesterday. So expect a panicked call from your parents. “My email’s missing!!!!”

2. Sepp Blatter stunned the world of soccer yesterday by unexpectedly resigning as FIFA president amid a growing corruption investigation. Begging the question, how much was Blatter bribed to quit?

3. The FDA has raised concerns about the safety of flibanserin, an experimental women’s libido drug, saying it increased the risk of fainting, especially when combined with alcohol. “What’s that drug called again?” said Bill Cosby.

4. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Tuesday rejected a request by the players union that he recuse himself as the arbitrator on the Deflategate appeal of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Making Goodell the only person in the world who wants to hear more about Deflategate.

5. Rapper Kanye West is rumored to be interested in buying the Neverland Ranch from the estate of the late Michael Jackson. Which makes sense, since one of them is arguably the greatest musician of our generation while the other one will argue it.

6. A woman in England is going to jail for two weeks because of neighbor complaints that she was having extremely loud sex. But I assume she’ll be there a lot longer after she kills a guy during her first conjugal visit.

7. An internal investigation of the TSA revealed security failures at dozens of the nation’s busiest airports, where undercover investigators were able to smuggle mock explosives and banned weapons through checkpoints 95% of the time. But, on the plus-side, those planes were 100% water bottle free.

8. Amid a looming government shutdown, Alaska Governor Bill Walker issued layoff notes on Monday to more than 10,000 state employees. You know you’re doing a bad job when people long for the days of Sarah Palin.

9. E.L. James, author of the successful ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ erotic novels, has written a new entry in the series that takes the point of view of its male character, Christian Grey. “Fine. Great. Whatever. Just give it to me!” said your aunt.

10. Irritated by accusations of lavishness, Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan has vowed to resign if the leader of the main opposition party can find a single golden toilet seat in his new palace. But, since Erdogan’s VP is R. Kelly, the same does not go for golden showers.

May 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The California ALCU launched a mobile app on Thursday that will let bystanders record cell phone videos of police misconduct and then send the footage to the organization’s computer server. And, in future news, the ACLU’s computer server has exploded.

2. According to tech experts, wearables like the new Apple Watch will be overtaken by hearables, devices with tiny chips that can fit inside your ear, in the next five years. “Who looks stupid now?’ said the guy wearing the bluetooth headset.

3. Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as the number one overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. So good work Jameis Winston and good luck Tampa Bay Police Department.

4. According to a new survey, New York is the most popular city for young people aged 15 to 29 years old. And, if those kids play their cards right, they’ll have a semi-obstructed view of the New York City skyline from the Hoboken studio apartment they share with 8 other young people.

5. This week, Pope Francis came out in favor of wage equality for women. Which is very easy to say when you don’t employ any women.

6. A company is developing a selfie-stick that looks like a human arm so it doesn’t appear like the user is alone in his pictures. And trust me, if you’re carrying around something that looks like a human arm, you’re gonna be alone in all your pictures.

7. The co-founder of Weight Watchers died this week at the age of 91. “Feels like someone took a few extra cheat-days,” said his pallbearers.

8. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said she had a tough time breaking into the modeling business. She said her big break came the moment she said she wanted to be a model.

9. Starbucks is now offering a new s’mores flavored cappuccino. It is the most delicious way to stunt your kid’s growth.

10. A new study has fond a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which may explain why Janice Dickinson still thinks she’s relevant.

11. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination this week. Said Sanders, “Ever since I was a little boy, I always dreamed of being Vice President.

12. Famed animal researcher Jane Goodall said she believes Sea World should be shut down because it is cruel to animals. Goodall also believes Epcot should be shut down because it’s “boring as fuck.”

13. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to become 100% free of genetically modified organisms. “Well, I can see where I’m no longer welcomed,” said A-Rod.

14. Two women, stranded in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for almost two weeks survived on girl scout cookies and snow for water. Their ordeal marked the first time in history that anyone ever said non-sarcastically, “Good news, we got another box of Lemonades.”

15. Offering free breastfeeding support at the drugstore may help some nursing mothers who don’t have easy access to advice elsewhere. This, according to that creepy guy who works behind the counter at your local Walgreens.

16. Mattel said on Friday it has ended production of its Sea World Trainer Barbie doll. So now, if Barbie says “something smells fishy,” it will be in regards to Ken’s sexual orientation.

17. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is reportedly reaching out to gay Republicans. Said gay Republicans, “Make it a reach-around and we’ll talk.”

18. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, in one episode, the audience gets to hear Statler and Waldorf’s opinions on how the gays and Puerto Ricans are ruining this country.

April 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 presidential campaign sometime in the next two weeks. Said Bill, “Keggar. My place. Sometime in the next two weeks.”

2. The Oklahoma Senate on Thursday passed a bill that would allow nitrogen gas as an execution method. And, to add a little levity to the proceedings, helium gas will be used for the inmates’ last words.

3. Amazon has sued four websites to stop them from selling fake, positive product reviews. The online retailer became wise to the scheme when a DVD copy of Mortdecai got two stars.

4. On Wednesday, Rand Paul released a comic book detailing his campaign initiatives. So, if you like comic books, you’re gonna hate this.

5. President Obama invited the Washington Wizards to the White House this week for a game of basketball. “Oh, I get it now,” said a visibly disappointed Biden when he showed up dressed as Gandolf.

6. According to a new poll taken in Cuba, President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. So now Fidel Castro and Mitt Romney have exactly one thing in common.

7. In a recent interview, Los Angeles Lakers coach Byron Scott said, given the opportunity, he thinks most of his players would shoot him in the back. But he’s not worried because Kobe would never give a teammate a chance to shoot.

8. In a recent interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she wishes she had fake boobs. “Are you crazy? You’re boobs are perfect,” said men everywhere, “Unless you were thinking about going bigger because we could get on board with that.”

9. A New Jersey teacher said governor Chris Christie isn’t a good role model for kids because he uses phrases like “shut up” and “idiot.” And, since this is New Jersey, I assume her problem is that he’s not using phrases like “fuhgeddaboudit” or “fanook” instead.

10. On Wednesday, the FDA announced a recall of 30,000 cases of Sabra hummus due to a possible listeria contamination. “Oh dear God, No!” said white people.

11. Yesterday it was announced that Eddie Murphy will receive this year’s Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Because just like Mark Twain, Eddie Murphy used to be funny.

12. British Prime Minister David Cameron is taking criticism from the working class after being caught on camera eating a hotdog with a knife and fork. If British voters want a leader who doesn’t use utensils, may I suggest Chris Christie. Sometimes he doesn’t even bother to chew.

13. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. He’s also selling unautographed copies  for $2,000.

14. A review of 11 popular commercial diets found that Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers were the most effective long-term weight loss programs. The least effective, Ruben Studdard’s Handfuls of Butter diet.

15. According to reports, Hillary Clinton has signed a lease on an office building in Brooklyn that will most likely be her 2016 campaign headquarters. The Clinton campaign settled upon Brooklyn after Bill watched an episode of “Girls.”