February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

October 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump supporters say the Republican presidential candidate declaring almost a billion dollar loss allowing him to not pay taxes for years makes him “a genius.” “So I guess I’ll just be over here waiting for my MacArthur Genius Award,” said Wesley Snipes.

2. According to recently leaked tax filings, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump declared a $916 million loss in 1995 from his three Atlantic City casinos. Experts track Trump’s failures in the casino business to his history of hitting on anything between 18 to 21.
 
3. It is being reported that during the run of the reality show “The Apprentice,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump sexually harassed many of the female contestants. And, at least one judge too:
apprentice

4. During a speech at a campaign rally on Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “They don’t make movies like they used to.” And who would know better than the guy who starred in such instant classics as “Ghosts Can’t Do It,” “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” and “The Pickle.”

5. Two teachers in Vermont have been arrested for vandalizing a sidewalk by drawing a dinosaur in wet cement. Of course, if they were teachers in Alabama they would also have been arrested but, in that case, for trying to teach evolution.

6. A father in Utah says he was charged $39.95 by the hospital to hold his newborn baby after his wife gave birth. “We’ll gladly cover the cost if our dad agrees to hugs us just once,” said Eric Trump and Don Jr.

7. Scientists at MIT have developed a robot named Luigi that scours a city’s sewer studying fecal matter. Which explains why the Princess always went for Mario.

8. New research has concluded that, even though nearly all women experience at least a little morning sickness during pregnancy, there isn’t much solid evidence to suggest the best treatments. Although one treatment has proven to be very effective:
abortion

9. A college in Canada plans to institute a program on marijuana cultivation so that students can be trained to work at local companies that produce the drug. “Way ahead of you,” said literally ever college ever.
 
10. According to a new poll, 80% of Donald Trump supporters view paying taxes as a “civic duty.” While the other 20% were too busy laughing at the word ‘duty’ to answer.

April 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Five top players for the World Cup champion U.S. women’s soccer team have filed a federal wage discrimination complaint claiming they are paid less than male players even though they generate more income for the United States Soccer Federation. “Wait, you guys are getting paid?” said WNBA players.

2. Today is April Fools Day. Or, as it’s known this year, the last day for this whole Trump thing to make sense.

3. Recently, political commentator Glenn Beck said Ted Cruz was anointed by God to become president. Which is funny, because I was pretty sure Cruz’s success was evidence that there is no God.

4. During a recent Republican town hall a woman asked John Kasich if he would consider a female as his running mate, to which Kasich responded, “Are you available? You look great tonight.” “You know, this guy is sounding more presidential every day,” said Bill Clinton.

5. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. Even more disgusting, sometimes he switched hands.

6. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. But, since it was the J train, police are going to have to be more specific.

7. Fernando Estrella, a 41-year-old man from the Bronx, was charged with drug trafficking and after authorities in Vermont discovered 1,428 bags of heroin hidden in his body. Which is why his friends call him Fernando “Clown Car” Estrella.

8. German Interior Minister Thomas de Maiziere said he is planning a new law that will require refugees to learn German and integrate into society, or else lose their permanent right of residence. And there’s nothing more comforting than when a high-ranking German official uses the phrase “or else.”

9. The parents of a ten-year-old boy in Oklahoma took there son to the hospital due to flu-like symptoms, but were shocked when x-rays revealed he had eaten eight magnets. Unsurprisingly, the magnets weren’t missed since the boy who thought it would be a good idea to eat eight magnets hasn’t brought home school work deemed fridge-worthy in a long time.

10. A male model known for his ‘man-bun’ hairdo says the hairstyle started in and is thus owned by Canada. “You can have it!” said the rest of the world.

11. Former Charlotte Bobcat Adam Morrison is prepared for the end of the world revealing recently that he has an apocalypse bunker supplied with guns and food. Morrison thought, or at least hoped, the world was coming to end once he got drafted by the Bobcats.

12. A new study found that starting the day with a cold shower can increase male fertility. Which makes sense because Kevin Federline’s landlord turned off his hot water 12 years ago.

13. Mexicans celebrating an Easter ritual late on Saturday burnt effigies of U.S. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump. And yet, somehow, the real Donald Trump still looks more burnt.

14. A Saudi man has been arrested for flying the rainbow gay-pride flag above his home in Jeddah. Said the disappointed man, “I was hoping the firefighters from my calendar would come and arrest me.”

15. Microsoft has unveiled its newest technology, the HoloLens, which allows people to view a live hologram of a person in another location. The technological advancements we’ve made in this generation are astonishing … and it’s already being used to send dick pics.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

December 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, the majority of new cases of STDs are occurring in the South. Scientists discovered this when they noticed that a large percentage of people who live in Alabama knew how to spell “gonorrhea.”

2. According to the Pentagon, A mine-detection system the U.S. Navy invested nearly $700 million and 16 years in developing can’t complete its most basic functions. Forcing the Navy to go with its back-up plan, teaching bomb-sniffing dogs to swim.

3. The University of Vermont has announced that it will offer a course in the science of marijuana. The way it works is, if you remember to show up for class, you fail.

4. A group of four Denver Broncos fans alleged that a security guard at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego prevented them from entering the stadium last weekend until they removed their turbans. But, in the security guard’s defense, he also made all the Chargers fans remove the paper bags from their heads before entering.

5. Saudi Arabian women voted for the first time on Saturday in local elections, with some even on the ballot as candidates. Unfortunately, all the female candidates were running for the position of not being stoned to death.

6. On Sunday, the leaders of over 200 countries signed a historic agreement at the Climate Summit in Paris aimed at curbing the effects of climate change. While Fox News denied that such a summit even took place.

7. Over the weekend, vandals damaged a building housing Facebook’s offices in Germany, smashing glass, throwing paint and spraying “Facebook dislike” on a wall. “If anybody asks, say I was with you” said Tom from MySpace.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump responded to Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, the Saudi billionaire who called him a “disgrace … to all America” on Twitter, by calling him “dopey.” Which I guess means Trump is Grumpy, Jeb is Bashful and Carson is Sleepy.

9. After winning their first twenty-four games of the NBA season, the Golden State Warriors suffered their first loss this year on Saturday to the Milwaukee Bucks. “See, isn’t losing much easier?” said the 76ers.

10. According to reports, Super PACs supported by donors have spent over $30 million on advertisements for Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign. Said those donors, “What is your refund policy?”

June 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, J. Crew laid-off roughly 10% of its workforce. But, on the plus-side, those employees definitely have the shorts to go with their pink slips.

2. Michelle Kwan, the two-time Olympic figure skating medalist, has joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign as a full-time and permanent staffer. Not to be outdone, Jeb Bush has hired Jeff Gillooly.

3. Michelle Kwan, the two-time Olympic figure skating medalist, has joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign as a full-time and permanent staffer. Which is a great match, because Kwan was an ice queen and Hillary is a stone-cold bitch.

4. The manuscript for the upcoming, unpublished “Fifty Shades of Grey” novel was stolen on Tuesday in London. Although I get the sense, if and when the culprit is caught, he’s gonna like whatever punishment we give him.

5. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush on Wednesday explained a shake-up of his political team, saying he was trying to ensure that his staff all had roles suited to their skill sets. Wish explains why George W’s new title is “Official Campaign Crayon-er.”

6. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield recently said that the goal of creating democracy in Iraq was “unrealistic” and that he was “concerned” when he first heard the idea floated by President George W. Bush. But that was due to Bush’s inability to pronounce the word “democracy.”

7. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly making a movie about their lives. “Code Red! I repeat, we have a Code Red!” said the people at the Razzies.

8. The manhunt for the two inmates who escaped from an upstate New York prison earlier this week expanded to Vermont yesterday. I’m beginning to think we’re dealing with criminal masterminds, because I can’t think of a better place for two white guys to blend in than Vermont.

9. It was announced yesterday that during the next season of the long-running show “the Simpsons,” Homer and Marge will be legally separated. “Did someone say my name?” said cartoon Gloria Allred.

10. Mr. T is coming out with a new home improvement show. In it, Mr. T tells homeowners their houses would be much improved if they let him crash on their couch for like two or three weeks.

May 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The California ALCU launched a mobile app on Thursday that will let bystanders record cell phone videos of police misconduct and then send the footage to the organization’s computer server. And, in future news, the ACLU’s computer server has exploded.

2. According to tech experts, wearables like the new Apple Watch will be overtaken by hearables, devices with tiny chips that can fit inside your ear, in the next five years. “Who looks stupid now?’ said the guy wearing the bluetooth headset.

3. Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as the number one overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. So good work Jameis Winston and good luck Tampa Bay Police Department.

4. According to a new survey, New York is the most popular city for young people aged 15 to 29 years old. And, if those kids play their cards right, they’ll have a semi-obstructed view of the New York City skyline from the Hoboken studio apartment they share with 8 other young people.

5. This week, Pope Francis came out in favor of wage equality for women. Which is very easy to say when you don’t employ any women.

6. A company is developing a selfie-stick that looks like a human arm so it doesn’t appear like the user is alone in his pictures. And trust me, if you’re carrying around something that looks like a human arm, you’re gonna be alone in all your pictures.

7. The co-founder of Weight Watchers died this week at the age of 91. “Feels like someone took a few extra cheat-days,” said his pallbearers.

8. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said she had a tough time breaking into the modeling business. She said her big break came the moment she said she wanted to be a model.

9. Starbucks is now offering a new s’mores flavored cappuccino. It is the most delicious way to stunt your kid’s growth.

10. A new study has fond a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which may explain why Janice Dickinson still thinks she’s relevant.

11. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination this week. Said Sanders, “Ever since I was a little boy, I always dreamed of being Vice President.

12. Famed animal researcher Jane Goodall said she believes Sea World should be shut down because it is cruel to animals. Goodall also believes Epcot should be shut down because it’s “boring as fuck.”

13. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to become 100% free of genetically modified organisms. “Well, I can see where I’m no longer welcomed,” said A-Rod.

14. Two women, stranded in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for almost two weeks survived on girl scout cookies and snow for water. Their ordeal marked the first time in history that anyone ever said non-sarcastically, “Good news, we got another box of Lemonades.”

15. Offering free breastfeeding support at the drugstore may help some nursing mothers who don’t have easy access to advice elsewhere. This, according to that creepy guy who works behind the counter at your local Walgreens.

16. Mattel said on Friday it has ended production of its Sea World Trainer Barbie doll. So now, if Barbie says “something smells fishy,” it will be in regards to Ken’s sexual orientation.

17. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is reportedly reaching out to gay Republicans. Said gay Republicans, “Make it a reach-around and we’ll talk.”

18. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, in one episode, the audience gets to hear Statler and Waldorf’s opinions on how the gays and Puerto Ricans are ruining this country.

April 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 4 Americans didn’t exercise at all last year. And, according to a survey I conducted with my eyes, the remaining 3 out of 4 Americans are liars.

2. According to reports, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will announce his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Sanders is hoping to capitalize on Obama’s low approval numbers, because what’s the opposite of a black president? A white guy from Vermont.

3. According to a new study, six-year-olds whose mothers were severely obese before pregnancy are more likely to have emotional problems when they grow up. Of course those emotional problems will lead them to sleeping with fat chicks, and thus, the circle of life is complete.

4. Today, the Baltimore Orioles will host the Chicago White Sox in a game closed to the public due to the ongoing riots in Baltimore. After the game, the White Sox are scheduled to play a three-game series in Cleveland against the Indians, so that will be four games in a row the White Sox have played in front of empty stadiums.

5. Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch announced that they will stop using shirtless male models at store openings and events. While McDonalds will continue the practice, out of necessity, because their employees can’t afford shirts.

6. A Dutch designer has created a sex toy that can hold cremated ashes and comes with a speaker and perfume in order to recreate an intimate night with a deceased loved one. Said the inventor, “I miss you, grandma.”

7. Kate Middleton, the pregnant wife of Prince William, is past her due date and, as a result, doctors may have to induce her into labor. Good luck with that because, if history is any guide, this is not a family that’s big on labor.

8. Yesterday, possible presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he believes Puerto Rico should become the 51st state. While his brother George disagreed, saying Jeb “couldn’t be more wrong,” and Puerto Rico would become “the 43rd state.”

9. Colombia’s health ministry has recommended suspending a herbicide used in aerial spraying of cocaine crops after a report by the World Health Organization found it to be a likely cause of cancer. Because, as everyone knows, coke-heads are notoriously strict about what they put in their bodies.

10. Yesterday, it was announced that Lifetime has greenlit a movie entitled “The Unauthorized Full House Story” with casting to begin immediately. You know it’s gonna be pretty sad when Dave Couiler loses out on the part of Dave Couiler.

September 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Walt Disney World announced Friday that construction has begun on a new Epcot attraction based on the animated hit “Frozen.” Because apparently the “it” in “Let It Go” is your money.

2. Sarah Palin and her family were reportedly involved in a brawl at a party in Anchorage, Alaska last week. Mrs. Palin was allegedly personally involved in the scuffle, but, as is her custom, resigned halfway through.

3. It has been announced that Alex Trebek has grown back his famous mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy.” Not to be outdone, host Ryan Seacrest has finally gotten rid of his “beard.”

4. In celebration of the 30th anniversary of Bob Marley’s groundbreaking album “Legends,” Ben and Jerry’s has released a new marijuana-themed ice cream. “Ah, hello?” said half-baked.

5. “Django Unchained” actress Daniele Watts says Los Angeles police allegedly detained her because they thought she was a prostitute. But, on the plus-side, she’ll be the first call if Hollywood ever decides to reboot “Pretty Woman.”

6. Vermont Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders said on Saturday he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Said Hillary Clinton, “I’ll you what I told Bill, there’s no harm in thinking.”

7. Senator Jeff Flake, an Arizona Republican, and Senator Mark Heinrich, a New Mexico Democrat, will star in a reality show set to air next month where they will be stranded on a desert island and forced to work together to survive. And, in future news, Jeff Flake and Mark Heinrich are dead.

8. Tabloid reports that George Clooney and his fiancé Amal Alamuddin would perform their civil marriage ceremony at a London town hall drew small crowds on Friday. But just like audiences at showings of “Monuments Men,” Clooney and Alamuddin were no shows.

9. Sheriff’s deputies in Colorado arrested a 60-year-old woman who pointed a rifle at her neighbor’s 11-year-old son as he practiced his clarinet in their backyard. Said the kid’s parents, “Hey, look, we make him practice outside, so we get it.”

10. According to a report filed in court by lawyers for the National Football League, about one in four NFL players are likely to end up suffering dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease or other cognitive impairments during their lifetime. The statistic is even higher for family members of NFL players.