April 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 presidential campaign sometime in the next two weeks. Said Bill, “Keggar. My place. Sometime in the next two weeks.”

2. The Oklahoma Senate on Thursday passed a bill that would allow nitrogen gas as an execution method. And, to add a little levity to the proceedings, helium gas will be used for the inmates’ last words.

3. Amazon has sued four websites to stop them from selling fake, positive product reviews. The online retailer became wise to the scheme when a DVD copy of Mortdecai got two stars.

4. On Wednesday, Rand Paul released a comic book detailing his campaign initiatives. So, if you like comic books, you’re gonna hate this.

5. President Obama invited the Washington Wizards to the White House this week for a game of basketball. “Oh, I get it now,” said a visibly disappointed Biden when he showed up dressed as Gandolf.

6. According to a new poll taken in Cuba, President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. So now Fidel Castro and Mitt Romney have exactly one thing in common.

7. In a recent interview, Los Angeles Lakers coach Byron Scott said, given the opportunity, he thinks most of his players would shoot him in the back. But he’s not worried because Kobe would never give a teammate a chance to shoot.

8. In a recent interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she wishes she had fake boobs. “Are you crazy? You’re boobs are perfect,” said men everywhere, “Unless you were thinking about going bigger because we could get on board with that.”

9. A New Jersey teacher said governor Chris Christie isn’t a good role model for kids because he uses phrases like “shut up” and “idiot.” And, since this is New Jersey, I assume her problem is that he’s not using phrases like “fuhgeddaboudit” or “fanook” instead.

10. On Wednesday, the FDA announced a recall of 30,000 cases of Sabra hummus due to a possible listeria contamination. “Oh dear God, No!” said white people.

11. Yesterday it was announced that Eddie Murphy will receive this year’s Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Because just like Mark Twain, Eddie Murphy used to be funny.

12. British Prime Minister David Cameron is taking criticism from the working class after being caught on camera eating a hotdog with a knife and fork. If British voters want a leader who doesn’t use utensils, may I suggest Chris Christie. Sometimes he doesn’t even bother to chew.

13. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. He’s also selling unautographed copies  for $2,000.

14. A review of 11 popular commercial diets found that Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers were the most effective long-term weight loss programs. The least effective, Ruben Studdard’s Handfuls of Butter diet.

15. According to reports, Hillary Clinton has signed a lease on an office building in Brooklyn that will most likely be her 2016 campaign headquarters. The Clinton campaign settled upon Brooklyn after Bill watched an episode of “Girls.”

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