January 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Robert Downey Jr., who spent time in prison in the late 1990s for drug convictions, received a full and unconditional pardon last week from California Governor Jerry Brown. Which can only mean one thing, Jerry Brown never saw “Due Date.”

2. On Thursday, Xochitl Hinojosa, a spokeswoman for Hillary Clinton, said the Democratic candidate has “real concerns” about reports that the U.S. government is intensifying the deportation of Central American migrants who are in the country illegally. Although, maybe, this a story Hillary’s other spokeswoman, Mary Smith, should have handled.

3. Taiwanese researchers have developed an app for your iPhone that can differentiate between a variety of crying sounds made by babies. The most common cry, put down your damn phone.

4. A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a small-town Canadian jewelry store at gunpoint on Christmas Eve, before dashing away in a Hummer. I wasn’t sure he was an asshole until the Hummer part.

5. Former New York Governor George Pataki told reporters last Tuesday he will be dropping out of the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Said reporters, “And you are who?”

6. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said his New Year’s Resolution for 2016 is to develop and code an artificial intelligence personal assistant to help run his life. “Well, fuck you too,” said his actual assistant.

7. According to a new report, a story that Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is fond of telling on the campaign trail, in which he was named the NRA’s “Statesman of the Year” and awarded a gun by Charlton Heston, is not true. “Hey, making up stories is my thing,” said Ben Carson.

8. Yesterday, Tom Coughlin stepped down as head coach of the New York Giants after a 6-10 record in 2015. Coughlin said he wants to spend more time at home being disappointed by his family.

9. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Monday released his first television commercial in the 2016 race for the White House. The ad will air exclusively in the early voting states of Iowa and New Hampshire and will always interrupt a Jeb Bush ad.

10. The FDA said on Monday it had taken steps to strengthen the data requirements for surgical mesh devices when used to repair pelvic organ prolapse via the vagina. Which is good news for patients and great news for Shaq’s wife.

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