April 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Virginia’s governor vetoed a bill on Monday that would have made the state the first in the country to require that parents be notified if students were assigned readings labeled “sexually explicit.” Although I think parents will be notified anyway by how much time little Timmy is all of a sudden spending in the bathroom.

2. Democratic presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders vowed to nominate Latinos into key cabinet posts in their administrations if elected. Republican front-runner Donald Trump also vowed to nominate Latinos into his cabinet, specifically the position of monitoring the new wall with Mexico from the Mexican side of it.

3. Over the weekend, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin asked Wisconsin voters to turnout for GOP front-runner Donald Trump by posting a picture of her posing with a dead hog she had shot. As opposed to posing with a hog that is only dead on the inside:

4. Under a new bill signed into law in Wisconsin on Monday, employers must provide leave to employees who are absent because they are donating an organ. And yet, when I offer to ‘donate my organ’ to Brenda in accounting, I have to talk to HR about it.

5. Last week, a teacher in Texas allegedly called a 12-year-old Muslim honor-student a terrorist. But, in the teacher’s defense, in Texas that is part of the curriculum.

6. Presidential candidate Donald Trump is backing away from the pledge he signed in September to support the eventual Republican nominee, now declining to rule out a third-party bid. The last time Trump waffled on such a public pledge, Ivana got half his shit.

7. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said on Friday it was taking steps to cut inorganic arsenic levels in infant rice cereal. “Better stock up now,” said Casey Anthony.

8. On Friday, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said Mexican immigrants are being seduced into coming to America “with gift baskets of teddy bears and soccer balls” and her daughter, Bristol, mocked the female reporter suing Donald Trump’s campaign manager for battery. Begging the question, is Trig the smartest person in that family.

9. An marijuana activist group held a “smoke-out” in front of the White House on Saturday in an effort to urge President Obama to reschedule the drug’s current classification. After which the group joined in chants like “One. Two. Three. Four. Does anyone remember what we’re here for?”

10. The communist country of China has restricted Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without permission from the government. Said Buddhist monks, “Who died and put you in charge? No, seriously, who?”

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