July 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday vowed to battle climate change with a plan to generate enough clean energy to power every U.S. home by 2027. Her plan, get rid of a lot of U.S. homes by 2027.

2. A new study suggests, teens are more likely to use electronic cigarettes if their fiends and family view them as cool. That story again, douchebags tend to hang out together.

3. A fugitive bank robber-turned-actor was arrested on Monday in Washington after U.S. agents spotted his picture in a newspaper article about a low-budget horror film in which he plays an evil doctor. Said the man, “I knew I should have taken that role in ‘Pixels,’ no one would have seen me in that.”

4. The FDA has banned the import of fresh cilantro from Mexico after evidence showed the crop could be tainted with human feces. Said Taco Bell, “Ew, cilantro.”

5. While giving a speech in Florida, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the race for the Republican nomination will be a long one and called himself “a joyful tortoise.” “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Mitch McConnell.

6. After getting into a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth in Germany Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf said he “would have killed her” if onlookers hadn’t intervened. Marking the first time anyone was happy to have watched something that Shia LaBeouf was involved in.

7. Thirty-five women who allege they were sexually assaulted by comedian Bill Cosby are featured on the cover of this week’s ‘New York’ magazine. Said Cosby, “See, you’re on the cover of a magazine, I told I would help you with your careers.”

8. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” Which means somewhere in the world there’s a room full of monkeys on typewriters hard at work.

9. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Giving new meaning to the term “lightning rod.”

10. Doctors in China saved a man’s severed hand by initially grafting it onto his leg. Said the man, “It would have been really convenient if you had attached it just a little bit higher.”

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