1. Yesterday, customer data stolen from the infidelity website Ashley Madison was published by hackers on the “dark web,” a part of the internet that can’t be found by common search engines like Google. Said cheaters whose info was stolen, “Wait, there’s a part of the internet that, let’s say a significant other, can’t search?”
2. On Tuesday, the FDA approved a drug to treat low sexual desire in women. “Talk about bad timing,” said Cosby.
3. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Zimmerman said he did this to remind everyone that he is still human garbage.
4. Yesterday, Google launched a Wi-Fi router designed for personal, home use. The router will scan the airwaves to spot the quickest connection allowing Google to steal your information faster than ever before.
5. On Tuesday, the Spanish government condemned a reggae festival’s decision to cancel a concert by a Jewish musician after he refused to clarify his position on Palestinian statehood. Although, you had my support at “condemned a reggae festival.”
6. On Tuesday, President Obama appointed the first openly transgender White House staff member. “Really?” said Janet Reno.
7. The first recording contract ever signed by the Beatles is expected to fetch over $150,000 when it goes up for auction next month. It would go for more, but Ringo signed it as well.
8. A new startup in San Francisco is working to deliver medical marijuana via drones. Because what better way to service a paranoid customer base than by sending drones to their homes.
9. Now that she’s 18, Kylie Jenner has been offered up to $10 million to star in a sex tape with her boyfriend. And I have the perfect name for it, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
10. On Monday, Republican Donald Trump completed his jury duty in New York in one day. Said Trump, “They had to dismiss me because it’s impossible to find eleven people who could be considered my peers.”