August 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Security experts believe that cybercriminals are trying to manipulate the U.S. presidential election. “I’m back in the game, baby!” said Bernie.

2. Yesterday it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Because who better to help you prepare to debate the first female presidential candidate in United States history than the guy who was just fired for allegedly sexually harassing a bunch of women. Who’s his other advisor, Cosby?

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited Milwaukee on Tuesday, just days after the city erupted in violent riots. And I can think of no better deterrent to civil unrest than knowing it will result in a visit from Donald Trump.

4. Actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announced via a joint statement on Tuesday that they have privately settled their divorce case. Details of how much Heard got in the settlement weren’t released but I think it’s safe to say she’ll never have to buy another scarf for the rest of her life.

5. A Navy sailor facing prison time for taking photos of a classified U.S. nuclear submarine is asking a federal judge for leniency, citing the government’s decision not to indict Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified information. And, if that doesn’t work, he plans on taking a page out of the other candidate’s book and claiming he can’t get a fair trial because the judge is Mexican.

6. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. Proving that any female swimming event can be considered synchronized swimming if the women hang around each other enough.

7. The FDA wants to make it harder to buy and sell poop. “Alright, I guess we’ll just give away our CD then,” said Nickelback.

8. In a recently released song, rapper The Game claims to have slept with three Kardashians. “So…?” said the entire NBA.

9. In response to allegations of cheating, actor Billy Bob Thornton assured Johnny Depp that he never slept with Depp’s ex-wife Amber Heard. Said Thornton, “My name is Billy Bob. She’s not my sister. Case closed.”

10. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Which goes a long way in explaining their new choice for the Colonel:


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