April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

May 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The California ALCU launched a mobile app on Thursday that will let bystanders record cell phone videos of police misconduct and then send the footage to the organization’s computer server. And, in future news, the ACLU’s computer server has exploded.

2. According to tech experts, wearables like the new Apple Watch will be overtaken by hearables, devices with tiny chips that can fit inside your ear, in the next five years. “Who looks stupid now?’ said the guy wearing the bluetooth headset.

3. Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as the number one overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. So good work Jameis Winston and good luck Tampa Bay Police Department.

4. According to a new survey, New York is the most popular city for young people aged 15 to 29 years old. And, if those kids play their cards right, they’ll have a semi-obstructed view of the New York City skyline from the Hoboken studio apartment they share with 8 other young people.

5. This week, Pope Francis came out in favor of wage equality for women. Which is very easy to say when you don’t employ any women.

6. A company is developing a selfie-stick that looks like a human arm so it doesn’t appear like the user is alone in his pictures. And trust me, if you’re carrying around something that looks like a human arm, you’re gonna be alone in all your pictures.

7. The co-founder of Weight Watchers died this week at the age of 91. “Feels like someone took a few extra cheat-days,” said his pallbearers.

8. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said she had a tough time breaking into the modeling business. She said her big break came the moment she said she wanted to be a model.

9. Starbucks is now offering a new s’mores flavored cappuccino. It is the most delicious way to stunt your kid’s growth.

10. A new study has fond a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which may explain why Janice Dickinson still thinks she’s relevant.

11. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination this week. Said Sanders, “Ever since I was a little boy, I always dreamed of being Vice President.

12. Famed animal researcher Jane Goodall said she believes Sea World should be shut down because it is cruel to animals. Goodall also believes Epcot should be shut down because it’s “boring as fuck.”

13. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to become 100% free of genetically modified organisms. “Well, I can see where I’m no longer welcomed,” said A-Rod.

14. Two women, stranded in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for almost two weeks survived on girl scout cookies and snow for water. Their ordeal marked the first time in history that anyone ever said non-sarcastically, “Good news, we got another box of Lemonades.”

15. Offering free breastfeeding support at the drugstore may help some nursing mothers who don’t have easy access to advice elsewhere. This, according to that creepy guy who works behind the counter at your local Walgreens.

16. Mattel said on Friday it has ended production of its Sea World Trainer Barbie doll. So now, if Barbie says “something smells fishy,” it will be in regards to Ken’s sexual orientation.

17. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is reportedly reaching out to gay Republicans. Said gay Republicans, “Make it a reach-around and we’ll talk.”

18. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, in one episode, the audience gets to hear Statler and Waldorf’s opinions on how the gays and Puerto Ricans are ruining this country.

January 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night police recovered the 1968 Heisman Trophy awarded to O.J. Simpson 20 years after it was stolen in a burglary from the University of Southern California. Said O.J., “Wait? Police keep looking into crimes even 20 years after they happened? Uh-oh.”

2. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Or, more accurately, a Chinese pervert is calling himself an inventor.

3. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Unsurprisingly, it is only compatible with the Xbox.

4. Bill Gates says a new invention that can turn human feces into electricity and clean drinking water can save lives. “You had us at ‘human feces,’” said Germans.

5. On Monday, Cameron Diaz and Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden wed. A sentence, a long with “Hey, these pogs are really cool,” that would have been much more newsworthy in 1998.

6. Quarterback Jameis Winston said on Wednesday that he will leave Florida State University and enter the NFL draft. The announcement was met with disappointment amongst FSU fans and relief around the Tallahassee police department.

7. Low-gluten and gluten-free communion options are becoming more readily available at churches across the U.S. Which makes sense, because Jesus always looks so slim and fit up on that cross.

8. Eleven earthquakes have been recorded in the Dallas-Fort Worth area over the past 24 hours. Proving that Chris Christie is still celebrating the Cowboy’s victory.

9. A man accused of leaving his six-month-old daughter in the cold outside his Los Angeles home at 2 a.m. on Christmas Day and then passing out drunk has been charged with child endangerment. But, in his defense, his lawn nativity scene was missing a baby Jesus and it was the best he could do on short notice.

10. Paul McCartney plays the piano on Kanye West’s newest single. Which is awesome, but Kanye should be careful, it didn’t turn out too well for the last guy who worked with Paul and had a penchant for comparing himself to Jesus.

October 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. And, in related news, Rob Schneider has signed a deal to open an account with Netflix.

2. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. So now you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home to not watch the next Adam Sandler movie.

3. A new study suggests, people who work in offices with more plants tend to be happier. This according to “High Times” magazine.

4. Voter registration in Ferguson, Missouri, has jumped nearly 30 percent since August 9, when the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teen triggered riots. Said Ferguson residents, “We weren’t sure how serious they were, but didn’t want to take our chances with this whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign.”

5. According to “People” magazine, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis welcomed a baby girl into the world Tuesday. The couple reportedly went the extra mile and got a theft proof cradle just in case Demi visits.

6. A dog that fell into a hot tar pit near a construction site in India was saved following a four hour rescue mission. The canine was covered head-to-toe in tar, or as it is known in the neighboring country of China, seasoning.

7. Up to 100 people may have come in contact with the Texas man who is the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. So he probably shouldn’t have gone to that Astros game.

8. JP Morgan said Thursday that cybercriminals gathered information on more than 800 million account holders as part of a massive bank hack this summer. Said a representative for JP Morgan, “The whole incident is regretful, specifically regret that we didn’t get the chance to steal that money before the cybercriminals.”

9. On Thursday, the NFL announced that they will move the 2015 Draft from New York City, where it has been held for over 30 years, to Chicago. The Draft is expected to lead to a boom in Chicago’s economy, especially the city’s bail bonds men sector.

10. Lawyers for Prince William and his wife Kate have sent letters to photographers asking them to stop following their son, Prince George, and his nanny around public parks. Said Kim Kardashian, “There are photos in parks looking for pictures of famous babies!?! Quick, grab a stroller and whatever my kid’s name is, and let’s go!!!”

11. A student at a Florida high school was forced to remove his costume after he came to school spirit day dressed as a condom. “A what?” said school slut Becky.

12. Hammad Akbar, the creator of StealthGenie, a mobile app marketed as a tool for spying on cheating spouses and monitoring children, was arrested yesterday. Which isn’t all bad news for Akbar, because if he likes devices that keep tabs on people, he’s gonna love his new ankle bracelet.

13. The Federal Communications Commission indicted on Tuesday that it is considering imposing a punishment on broadcasters who use the word “Redskins” when announcing Washington football games. Look if you can figure out what Shannon Sharpe is saying, be my guest.

14. Troubled former teen star Amanda Bynes was arrested over the weekend on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of drugs in Los Angeles. Bynes reportedly failed the roadside sobriety test when she identified herself.

15. The Indonesian province of Aceh on Saturday approved an anti-homosexuality law that can punish anyone caught having gay sex with 100 lashes. But, as any paparazzo who has followed John Travolta around can attest, it’s really hard to catch someone having gay sex.

16. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” While Prince Charles wishes his life was more like the plot to “the Lion King.”

Monologue Jokes – April 26, 2013

1. Korean automaker, Hyundai, has apologized for an advertisement that featured a man attempting to commit suicide with exhaust fumes from one of its cars. I don’t know what the big deal is, every time I see a Hyundai at a used car dealership I always just assume that’s how it got there.

2. Korean automaker, Hyundai, has apologized for an advertisement that featured a man sitting in his garage attempting to commit suicide with exhaust fumes from one of its cars. In my opinion, the most offensive part of the commercial is the idea that a Hyundai owner can afford a garage.

3. Swedish police found drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. But in his defense, you’d take a lot of drugs too if you were forced to go to as many Justin Bieber concerts as him.

4. Last night was the first round of the NFL Draft, during which Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o was not selected. But don’t feel too bad for Te’o, because according to reports he heard, he was selected number one.

5. Yesterday, at the Bush Library dedication when asked about her son Jeb’s potential presidential bid, Barbara Bush said, “We’ve had enough Bushes.” Then Clinton chimed in.

6. A Utah man discovered a 14-year-old hamburger in his coat pocket. Begging the question, what the hell was he wearing for the past fourteen winters?

7. Retired 44-year-old running back Barry Sanders will grace the cover of next year’s Madden NFL video game, marking the first time the words “Madden curse” and “kidney stones” will be uttered in the same sentence.

8. Hockey player Sidney Crosby, who hasn’t played since having his jaw broken on March 30, received clearance to start practicing. “Maybe next time he’ll listen better,” said singer Chris Brown.

9. The Senate ended air traffic controller furloughs that were causing widespread airline delays. Forcing airlines to come up with new excuses as to why you’re stuck at O’Hara.

10. According to a new study, sickle-cell disease is the leading cause of prolonged erections in men. Okay, we get it scientists, black guys have big dicks.