June 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. AOL launched a new homepage yesterday. So expect a panicked call from your parents. “My email’s missing!!!!”

2. Sepp Blatter stunned the world of soccer yesterday by unexpectedly resigning as FIFA president amid a growing corruption investigation. Begging the question, how much was Blatter bribed to quit?

3. The FDA has raised concerns about the safety of flibanserin, an experimental women’s libido drug, saying it increased the risk of fainting, especially when combined with alcohol. “What’s that drug called again?” said Bill Cosby.

4. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Tuesday rejected a request by the players union that he recuse himself as the arbitrator on the Deflategate appeal of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Making Goodell the only person in the world who wants to hear more about Deflategate.

5. Rapper Kanye West is rumored to be interested in buying the Neverland Ranch from the estate of the late Michael Jackson. Which makes sense, since one of them is arguably the greatest musician of our generation while the other one will argue it.

6. A woman in England is going to jail for two weeks because of neighbor complaints that she was having extremely loud sex. But I assume she’ll be there a lot longer after she kills a guy during her first conjugal visit.

7. An internal investigation of the TSA revealed security failures at dozens of the nation’s busiest airports, where undercover investigators were able to smuggle mock explosives and banned weapons through checkpoints 95% of the time. But, on the plus-side, those planes were 100% water bottle free.

8. Amid a looming government shutdown, Alaska Governor Bill Walker issued layoff notes on Monday to more than 10,000 state employees. You know you’re doing a bad job when people long for the days of Sarah Palin.

9. E.L. James, author of the successful ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ erotic novels, has written a new entry in the series that takes the point of view of its male character, Christian Grey. “Fine. Great. Whatever. Just give it to me!” said your aunt.

10. Irritated by accusations of lavishness, Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan has vowed to resign if the leader of the main opposition party can find a single golden toilet seat in his new palace. But, since Erdogan’s VP is R. Kelly, the same does not go for golden showers.

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