Tag Archives: Kansas

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

March 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Pornstar Stormy Daniels said that the recent news surrounding her alleged affair with President Trump has been great for business. In fact, to accommodate the increase in demand, Stormy is looking for new holes on her body.

2. Over the weekend, a woman in her underwear rode a horse into a night club in Miami Beach. Said the other people in the club at the time, “WOW! This is some good cocaine!”

3. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Said rich people, “Okay, then can we send all the poor people to Mars?”

4. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. So it looks like Scarsdale, New York will be able to keep its motto:

5. Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid have reportedly broken up. News that in no way will affect my desire to ever know who either of those people are.

6. According to a new study, the U.S. spends about twice what other high-income nations do on health care but has the lowest life expectancy and the highest infant mortality rates. Or, as it was reported by the Trump administration, America is #1 across the board!

7. On Tuesday, while visiting San Diego to view prototypes of the border wall, President Trump said the wall needed to be very high because the Mexicans they are dealing with are “professional mountain climbers.” Said Melania, “Teach me”:

8. This week, United Airlines wrongly shipped a 10-year-old German shepherd named Irgo to Japan instead of Kansas. But the family that received the dog in Japan wants to let its family back in Kansas know that Irgo, “is safe and delicious.”

9. According to a recently reported story, poor Afghan farming family named their son Donald Trump, hoping for good luck, but the choice has only brought misfortune. “Yeah, I could have told you that,” said Trump:

10. Tennessee officials are searching for a suspect who stole $75,000 worth of medical screws from a doctor’s car. The last time that many screws were missing from a medical professional, Ben Carson was still a brain surgeon.

11. During a speech Saturday night, President Trump called for enacting the death penalty for drug dealers. A position that Trump will undoubtedly change once he learns that Propecia and Viagra are drugs.

12. This week, Former ‘Blossom’ star and 90s heartthrob Joey Lawrence filed for bankruptcy. Begging the question, what took so long?

13. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he “couldn’t care less” if Russian citizens tried to meddle in the 2016 US election. “Oh my God, we have so much in common,” said President Trump.

14. Hillary Clinton told an audience over the weekend that while she thought President Trump played to some of Americans’ worst fears, the U.S. as a whole does “not deserve,” Trump. Even more proof that while campaigning in 2016, Hillary didn’t visit the whole country.

15. Greece indefinitely suspended its Superleague soccer games on Monday after the owner of the club PAOK Salonika was filmed wearing a gun holster as he strode onto the pitch to protest about a disallowed goal. Said President Trump, “Would he be interested in teaching gym class?”

16. During a rally over the weekend, President Trump told the people of Pennsylvania to “vote like crazy.” But assume Trump misspoke and meant to say “vote for crazy”:

17. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ President Trump still sees Ivanka as “his little girl,” And Tiffany as his “Who?”

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

June 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s most pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. As a result, this is what it looks like when he pees:

2. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s most pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. Rolf said he is attracted to women with piercings and also magnets.

3. A Kansas man who told police he robbed a bank last September to get prison time to escape from his wife, was sentenced Tuesday to six months of home confinement. Said the man, “I’ll see you at the bank tomorrow.”

4. A college student caught shoplifting from a Wyoming Walmart told police she was doing research for a paper she was writing on kleptomania. So, I assume, Jeff Sessions is writing a paper on perjury.

5. While speaking at a women’s summit, Kim Kardashian admitted to making mistakes in her life, but said the important lesson is to not repeat them. “I’ll take that as a maybe,” said Ray J.

6. Green Bay Packer’s starting safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is interning at the office of a federal judge in Wisconsin for the summer. Not to be outdone, New York Jets players are already lining up offseason jobs for when the playoffs roll around.

7. According to a new study, men are four times more likely to take their phone out during a wedding. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see why:

8. Facebook engineers have developed an Artificial Intelligence program that has learned to lie to get what it wants. That story again, Kellyanne Conway is gonna be out of a job real soon.

9. Rapper Chief Keef was arrested Monday in South Dakota for drug possession. News that I”m sure disappointed his South Dakota fan.

10. According to a new report, it would take 173 years to fully watch every video from beginning to end on the pornography website PornHub. A challenge that your teenage son who lives in the basement has apparently accepted.

June 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said he doesn’t consider Democrats to be people. But, I’m assuming that’s only after he bites their neck:

2. An ex-girlfriend of Bill Maher hinted that the comic has used the n-word around her in the past. Now that’s inexcusable, no one should have to date Bill Maher.

3. President Trump has challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test. The first and only question on the test is “Do you think it’s a good idea to publicly challenge the mayor of a city that just suffered a tragedy to an IQ contest?”

4. On Tuesday, the F train suffered a severe maintenance malfunction that left hundreds of subway goers in New York City stuck in a tunnel with no air conditioning or lighting for over an hour. But NYC residents are resilient and despite the obstacles many of them still managed to masturbate.

5. Chicago plans to dedicate a nine-story mural to blues legend Muddy Waters during the city’s annual blues festival this weekend. “Didn’t we already dedicate an entire city to him?” said residents of Flint Michigan.

6. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.” Which doesn’t make sense because women in Russia have it pretty good, in fact, a lucky few were able to pee on Donald Trump.

7. A man in upstate New York dressed as the Tin Man from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ was busted driving drunk on the way home from a festival honoring the classic movie. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,” said his cellmate.

8. An ex-girlfriend of retired baseball player Alex Rodriguez is reportedly attempting to extort him for $600,000. Begging the question, what information could she possible have that’s more embarrassing than this?:

9. A man who was responsible for buying office supplies for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office was arrested for using the funds to purchase comic books and video games. If convicted, he could get 10 years to life or, in terms that he’ll understand, 10 years to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.

10. According to a new report, during a recent meeting with President Trump, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to quit. Here’s an exclusive look at that meeting:

February 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

2. According to a new poll, 60% of Americans can’t name even one movie up for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars. “Does ‘Hidden Fences’ count?” asked Jenna Bush Hager.

3. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

4. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

5. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

6. A French artist is preparing to be entombed for a week inside a 12-ton limestone boulder in a modern art museum in Paris, after which he will emerge and attempt to hatch a dozen eggs by sitting on them for weeks. An idea for a stunt that is so pointless and stupid that even David Blaine couldn’t think of it.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. According to a new study, South Korean women will be the first in the world to have an average life expectancy over 90-years-old. “Not so fast,” said North Korea.

9. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. That story again, a gathering of animals who are incapable of formally organizing, on an obscure peninsula in South America was better attended than Donald Trump’s inauguration.

10. A chiropractor in Kansas has invented something called “labia lipstick” which is designed to glue a woman’s vagina shut during her period. “Is there a superglue version?” said Octomom.

September 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, over 80 million viewers tuned in to watch the first presidential debate, which beat Monday Night Football. Apparently viewers decided to skip watching people getting concussions in favor of watching two people who already have them.
 
2. According to the Department of Transportation, the fastest growing group of Americans behind the wheel are people over the age of 85. Although, they didn’t say how far behind the wheel:
hearse

3. According to a new study, 1 out of every 10 babies born in Europe is conceived in an IKEA bed. That story again, the relationship of 1 out of 10 couples somehow survived a trip to IKEA.
 
4. A new study found that men exposed to dioxin, a chemical once common in herbicides, may be less likely to father boys. And in related news, Woody Allen has covered himself in dioxin.
 
5. In preparation for the second debate, one possibility being floated internally is Chris Christie taking the leading role in getting Donald Trump ready. Said Christie, “Two questions, where is the next debate and will Hillary have to cross any bridges to get there?”
 
6. When pressed during a town hall Wednesday night to name a foreign leader he admired, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was flustered and unable to do so. But, in his defense, every single foreign leader doesn’t know who the fuck he is either.
 
7. Testimony by a former ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie that the Republican knew about the “Bridgegate” traffic scandal could endanger any possible political future he has in a Trump administration. Also jeopardizing Christie’s future, bakeries.
 
8. Although current U.S. guidelines encourage women to stop drinking while trying to get pregnant, a new Danish study suggests giving up alcohol may not be necessary for improving the chances of conceiving. Especially if you’re ugly.
 
9. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion. “Did they report on what half of that comes out to?” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, appearing in his first minor league baseball, Tim Tebow hit a homerun during his first at bat on the first pitch he saw. It’s amazing what Tebow can accomplish when he doesn’t have to throw a ball.

11. A toilet museum has opened in South Korea. Last employee to leave every night has to put the seat down.

12. A Memphis woman walked into her home this week to find two burglars having sex on her couch. Said the burglars, “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?”

13. Donald Trump told reporters that he gave Hillary Clinton a C+ for her performance during Monday night’s presidential debate. But, in his defense, he’s not used to giving out grades since he never once showed up to Trump University.

14. Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted on Tuesday that he raised $13 million in 24 hours from online donations. Now comes the hard part, figuring out how not to pay taxes on any of it.
 
15. Plans have been approved for a nudist park in the city of Paris. Which seems like a great idea until you remember Gerard Depardieu:
gerard

16. Monday night’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was seen by a record 80.9 million TV viewers, which is double the amount of viewers who tuned in for the final episode of “All in the Family.” Which makes sense, because one featured a racist misogynist who speaks his mind and a woman who yells at him in a shrill voice and the other was “All in the Family.”

17. During Monday night’s debate, police in Lawrence, Kansas tweeted out a reminder that being mad at a political candidate is not a valid reason to call 911. “But you’re the only people who will take my calls,” said Jeb.

18. There is a growing trend on college campuses where the schools offer ball pits for overwhelmed students to relax. Or, as it is referred to at Arizona State University, a graduate course.

19. A Michigan man mowed a 58,000 square foot Trump sign in his lawn. Apparently he heard a voice that said “If you build it, you are dumb.”

20. An Arizona boys high school soccer team forfeited a match last week after refusing to play its opponent because there were girls on their roster. So now, if we could just get girls on every boys soccer team we’ll never have to watch another soccer game ever again.

21. Last week, during an interview, the Dalai Lama made fun of Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck? You don’t see me talking about inner peace, you stick to your thing and I’ll stick to mine.

22. A mobile app dubbed “order a daddy” has launched that allows women to select a sperm donor via their smartphone. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Anthony Weiner.

23. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. “They can do that!?!” said a visibly concerned Michael Vick.

24. In a new interview, Kim Kardashian said she would like to go to law school. She knows that passing the bar and lowering the bar are two different things, right?

September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:
batman

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:
boardgame

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:
presidential

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!
 
17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

July 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. Last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a puppet for big business lobbyists, saying they pull her strings. Then he told Chris Christie to fetch him a glass of water.

3. During his speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “at our convention, there will be no lies.” And then, despite what he had just said, Trump kept talking.

4. Last night, Donald Trump capped off the Republican National Convention with a speech accepting the party’s nomination. Surprisingly, the 20,562-seat capacity arena that hosted the event was able to squeeze in literally tens of people in addition to Trump’s ego.

5. During her speech last night, Ivanka Trump spoke of her father saying, “he taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic.” Adding, “while Melanie taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry.”

6. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

7. While speaking of her childhood and her father’s business empire, Ivanka Trump claimed that, “when run properly, construction sites are true meritocracies.” So I guess it’s just a coincidence that all of his company’s top executives have the last name Trump.

8. A 17-year-old Kansas teen who was fired for asking her boss why she made less than her male co-workers will speak at next week’s Democratic Convention. Which is only fair since the manager who fired her spoke at the Republican Convention.

9. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

10. Luciano Pavarotti’s family has asked Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump to stop using a recording of the late opera singer’s song “Nessun Dorma” in his election campaign. Said the family, “Luciano would be rolling in his grave if that were a physical possibility.”

11. McDonald’s has had to stop selling the Big Mac in Venezuela due to a country-wide bread shortage. Suspiciously, sales of the Big Mac went unaffected by prior beef shortages.

12. A man cooking his own urine caused the evacuation of a Massachusetts apartment complex. To get an idea of the odor, just ride the G train on a hot day.

13. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. Which makes more sense than it’s previous endorsement with American Express, because reminding people to not leave home without it necessitates you to have a home in the first place.

14. On Monday, the website Slate noted the National Chairman of the Young Republicans is a 38-year-old suburban father of three. Which is not that old when compared to the party’s views on women and African-Americans.

15. During a interview with ’60 Minutes’ that aired on Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that winning the evangelical vote proves that he’s religious. He also knows he won the white supremacist vote, right?

16. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was calling his advisors the night before announcing Mike Pence as his VP to see if he could change his mind. The last time he changed his mind so quickly, Marla took half.

17. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, in the grandson’s defense, his grandparents always told him not to put them in a home and this is the exact opposite of that.

18. Researchers say that older, married couples with the same drinking habits tend to be happier than couples where only one partner drinks. Counterpoint, Dina and Michael Lohan.

19. A new company has come out with a line of handbags made from old airplane seat fabric. Unsurprisingly, you can never find your keys in the purse made from Malaysian Airline seats.

20. A Canadian rehab facility is treating alcoholism by giving its patients wine on the hour, every hour. Here’s a picture of the controversial treatment at work:
4th hour

March 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to researchers, something about Republican front-runner Donald Trump, his face, voice or message, generates “increased brain activity” amongst viewers. “Oh, is that what that new feeling is?” said Trump supporters.

2. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. The baby has his father’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his grandfather’s understanding of foreign policy.

3. Mexican immigrant Efrain Delgado-Rosales was sentenced last week to five years in a Texas prison after being caught illegally crossing the border for the 24th time. Which has got to be the best example I’ve ever heard of be careful what you wish for.

4. According to a new study, women who maintain an overall healthy diet may benefit from a slightly reduced risk of hip fractures later in life. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said your grandmother’s new boyfriend.

5. Former Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings safety Husain Abdullah announced his retirement on Monday, citing the five concussions he incurred in his seven-year National Football League career. And, he may have a point, because he played for five years and his name is actually Dwight Smith.

6. The Kremlin said on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin could meet British singer Elton John when he visits Russia in May if room can be found in the two men’s schedules. Or, if they match on Grindr.

7. On Friday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed their manager Pete Mackanin to a two-year extension. Although, it could be knocked down to one year with good behavior.

8. Last week, rapper Iggy Azalea revealed that before she was allowed to collaborate with singer Britney Spears, Spears’ security team searched Azalea’s house to make sure it was drug free. And I’m pretty sure I know where Azalea hid the drugs:
iggy

9. Researchers have found that children as young as seven are sexting. Said the researchers, “It’s really not important how we found out this information.”

10. Pop singer Miley Cyrus will be a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” next season. So, when she turns her chair around, for once in her life, she’ll think the room is spinning and be right.