June 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said he doesn’t consider Democrats to be people. But, I’m assuming that’s only after he bites their neck:

2. An ex-girlfriend of Bill Maher hinted that the comic has used the n-word around her in the past. Now that’s inexcusable, no one should have to date Bill Maher.

3. President Trump has challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test. The first and only question on the test is “Do you think it’s a good idea to publicly challenge the mayor of a city that just suffered a tragedy to an IQ contest?”

4. On Tuesday, the F train suffered a severe maintenance malfunction that left hundreds of subway goers in New York City stuck in a tunnel with no air conditioning or lighting for over an hour. But NYC residents are resilient and despite the obstacles many of them still managed to masturbate.

5. Chicago plans to dedicate a nine-story mural to blues legend Muddy Waters during the city’s annual blues festival this weekend. “Didn’t we already dedicate an entire city to him?” said residents of Flint Michigan.

6. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.” Which doesn’t make sense because women in Russia have it pretty good, in fact, a lucky few were able to pee on Donald Trump.

7. A man in upstate New York dressed as the Tin Man from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ was busted driving drunk on the way home from a festival honoring the classic movie. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,” said his cellmate.

8. An ex-girlfriend of retired baseball player Alex Rodriguez is reportedly attempting to extort him for $600,000. Begging the question, what information could she possible have that’s more embarrassing than this?:

9. A man who was responsible for buying office supplies for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office was arrested for using the funds to purchase comic books and video games. If convicted, he could get 10 years to life or, in terms that he’ll understand, 10 years to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.

10. According to a new report, during a recent meeting with President Trump, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to quit. Here’s an exclusive look at that meeting:

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