July 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. Last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a puppet for big business lobbyists, saying they pull her strings. Then he told Chris Christie to fetch him a glass of water.

3. During his speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “at our convention, there will be no lies.” And then, despite what he had just said, Trump kept talking.

4. Last night, Donald Trump capped off the Republican National Convention with a speech accepting the party’s nomination. Surprisingly, the 20,562-seat capacity arena that hosted the event was able to squeeze in literally tens of people in addition to Trump’s ego.

5. During her speech last night, Ivanka Trump spoke of her father saying, “he taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic.” Adding, “while Melanie taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry.”

6. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

7. While speaking of her childhood and her father’s business empire, Ivanka Trump claimed that, “when run properly, construction sites are true meritocracies.” So I guess it’s just a coincidence that all of his company’s top executives have the last name Trump.

8. A 17-year-old Kansas teen who was fired for asking her boss why she made less than her male co-workers will speak at next week’s Democratic Convention. Which is only fair since the manager who fired her spoke at the Republican Convention.

9. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

10. Luciano Pavarotti’s family has asked Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump to stop using a recording of the late opera singer’s song “Nessun Dorma” in his election campaign. Said the family, “Luciano would be rolling in his grave if that were a physical possibility.”

11. McDonald’s has had to stop selling the Big Mac in Venezuela due to a country-wide bread shortage. Suspiciously, sales of the Big Mac went unaffected by prior beef shortages.

12. A man cooking his own urine caused the evacuation of a Massachusetts apartment complex. To get an idea of the odor, just ride the G train on a hot day.

13. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. Which makes more sense than it’s previous endorsement with American Express, because reminding people to not leave home without it necessitates you to have a home in the first place.

14. On Monday, the website Slate noted the National Chairman of the Young Republicans is a 38-year-old suburban father of three. Which is not that old when compared to the party’s views on women and African-Americans.

15. During a interview with ’60 Minutes’ that aired on Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that winning the evangelical vote proves that he’s religious. He also knows he won the white supremacist vote, right?

16. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was calling his advisors the night before announcing Mike Pence as his VP to see if he could change his mind. The last time he changed his mind so quickly, Marla took half.

17. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, in the grandson’s defense, his grandparents always told him not to put them in a home and this is the exact opposite of that.

18. Researchers say that older, married couples with the same drinking habits tend to be happier than couples where only one partner drinks. Counterpoint, Dina and Michael Lohan.

19. A new company has come out with a line of handbags made from old airplane seat fabric. Unsurprisingly, you can never find your keys in the purse made from Malaysian Airline seats.

20. A Canadian rehab facility is treating alcoholism by giving its patients wine on the hour, every hour. Here’s a picture of the controversial treatment at work:
4th hour

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