December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

February 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

2. According to a new poll, 60% of Americans can’t name even one movie up for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars. “Does ‘Hidden Fences’ count?” asked Jenna Bush Hager.

3. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

4. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

5. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

6. A French artist is preparing to be entombed for a week inside a 12-ton limestone boulder in a modern art museum in Paris, after which he will emerge and attempt to hatch a dozen eggs by sitting on them for weeks. An idea for a stunt that is so pointless and stupid that even David Blaine couldn’t think of it.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. According to a new study, South Korean women will be the first in the world to have an average life expectancy over 90-years-old. “Not so fast,” said North Korea.

9. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. That story again, a gathering of animals who are incapable of formally organizing, on an obscure peninsula in South America was better attended than Donald Trump’s inauguration.

10. A chiropractor in Kansas has invented something called “labia lipstick” which is designed to glue a woman’s vagina shut during her period. “Is there a superglue version?” said Octomom.

December 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Tuesday night actor Alan Thicke, best known for playing father Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains,” died at the age of 69. Hey, God, you took the wrong beloved TV dad from the 80s:
cosby

2. A spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said Twitter was left off the invitation list for a meeting of technology company executives that took place in Trump Tower on Wednesday because it is too small. “I’ve heard that excuse before,” said Tiffany.

3. The Trump Organization said on Wednesday it has pulled out of a hotel venture in Rio de Janeiro that is currently part of a criminal investigation in Brazil. If only Trump pulled out more often:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. If India is really serious about this, from my experience, nothing gets moviegoers out of their seats quicker than a “written by M. Night Shyamalan” credit.

5. Donald Trump has chosen former Texas Governor Rick Perry to head the U.S. Department of Energy. So you can only imagine the prestigious cabinet position waiting for the person who actually won the last season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

6. On Wednesday, football Hall of Famers Jim Brown and Ray Lewis met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower in New York. Said Trump, “Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me!”

7. According to a new study, the use of alcohol, marijuana, prescription medications and illicit substances declined again among U.S. teens in 2016. That story again, we’re raising a bunch of nerds.

8. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s administration announced that 16-year-old singer Jackie Evancho, who competed on “America’s Got Talent,” will sing the national anthem at the President-elect’s inauguration. Not to be outdone, the winner of “The Biggest Loser” will head the President’s Counsel on Fitness & Nutrition and the winner of “America’s Next Top Model” will be the next First Lady.

9. According to a new study, California is the worst state for drivers. “No shit,” said Reginald Denny.

10. Over the weekend in Buenos Aires, Maria Eugenia Massei from Argentina was crowned South American pole dancing champion. Massei was so good that after her performance the audience wanted to give her a standing ovation but couldn’t at that particular moment.

February 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he’s not sure whether Marco Rubio is eligible for the presidency, the same claim he’s lobbied against Ted Cruz. No wonder Trump wants to build a wall, in his eyes, everyone’s an illegal immigrant.

2. According to a new survey, 53% of college students say they’re using Tinder to find friends, 27% said they’re looking for a significant other and 20% said they were looking for a hookup. That story again, 80% of people on Tinder are women.

3. Fewer babies were born in Italy in 2015 than in any year since the modern state was founded 154 years ago. Although, if I know anything about Italian men, it’s not from a lack of trying.

4. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. Kasich said he didn’t “mean to imply that all women live in the kitchen because sometimes the bathroom needs to be cleaned too.”

5. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. No wonder Kasich is against a woman’s right to choose, since, based on comments like that, they’re not gonna choose him.

6. After finishing fourth in South Carolina’s Republican primary, presidential candidate Jeb Bush suspended his campaign saying “the people of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina have spoken.” And, much like when you ask George H.W. Bush who is favorite child is, they didn’t say Jeb’s name.

7. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. So there’s a chance that the cause of World War II can be traced all the way back to a shaky-handed mohel.

8. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. “Maybe Ted Cruz is the next Hitler,” said Cruz’s wife.

9. Under a proposed law, fashion models who want to work in California would need a doctor to attest that they are of healthy weight and not suffering from an eating disorder. Said doctors, “The best way for me judge whether you have an eating disorder is over a candle-lit dinner, let’s say my place, around 8:00.”

10. On Monday, four men attacked an Uber car and set it on fire in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi. Luckily the cow pulling the car was unharmed.

December 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday postponed his trip to Israel amid a controversy over his proposal to ban Muslims from entering the United States, saying he will take the trip “at a later date after I become president of the U.S.” In response, Israel has thrown its support behind Jeb Bush.

2. On Wednesday, Former boxing champion and devout Muslim Muhammad Ali said banning all Muslims from entering the U.S. is not the answer. That story again, a man who got punched in the head for a living still makes more sense than Donald Trump.

3. On Thursday, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to identical twin girls. I wanted to see pictures of the newborns, so I typed “twin girls” into Yahoo and, an hour-and-a-half later, I was late for work.

4. Facebook at Work, Facebook’s professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. Because that was the problem, not enough people using Facebook at work.

5. Facebook at Work, Facebook professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. It’s perfect for anyone who likes LinkedIn but wished it had more pictures of other peoples’ kids.

6. Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt broke his hand in practice on Thursday but said he will play this Sunday against the New England Patriots. Meanwhile, I got a paper-cut and called in sick to work today.

7. World number three golfer Rory McIlroy is recovering after undergoing laser eye surgery to correct his vision. Although, seeing three cups when putting seemed to work out well for John Daly.

8. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s recently adopted dog Kaiya bite two visitors at an event on Wednesday. But, in Kaiya’s defense, she’s just practicing for when Trump finally arrives.

9. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia raised eyebrows on Wednesday with a comment he made during the court’s hearing of an affirmative action case, in which he seemed to suggest some African-Americans belong in lesser colleges. But, in Scalia’s defense, he is an old man, full of hate.

10. This week, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said it is important for him to let voters know that his religious beliefs contribute to his decision making. Begging the question, when is God gonna tell him to stop running for president?

11. A forensic scientist has come up with a composite of what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby boy will look like in seven years. The composite proves one thing for sure, there’s a lot of down time when you’re a forensic scientist.

12. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took some time off from the campaign trail to shop for Christmas presents in Iowa. Because there’s no better insurance that your friends and family won’t want to return their Christmas presents if they have to go to Iowa to do so.

13. A Nevada politician last week released a Christmas card featuring her whole family, including her five-year-old son, holding guns. So, if they ask for some figgy pudding, you better have some figgy pudding.

14. This week, Lionsgate announced that they will release a prequel to their popular “Hunger Games” movies, which take place in a dystopian future. The prequel will just be documentary of Trump running for president.

15. On Tuesday, a spokesperson for the U.N. said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s proposed ban on Muslims entering the U.S. was “grossly irresponsible.” Although, if history has proven anything, it’s that Donald Trump doesn’t stop once someone calls him “gross.”

16. Last week, an unidentified suspect threw a brick through the window of a bookstore in Denver named “ISIS Books” even though it has no affiliation with the terrorist group. While people in Alabama continue to throw bricks through bookstore windows regardless of store names.

17. A Wisconsin toy store owner has bought all of the tickets for an opening night screening of the latest “Star Wars” movie at a local theater. It combines his two favorite things, “Star Wars” and avoiding any and all human interaction.

18. Uruguayans will be able to choose from three varieties of state-sanctioned cannabis when marijuana starts being sold in pharmacies next year. Because if there’s anything stoners are good at, it’s making decisions.

19. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. My guess, he’ll probably pick that fat lady who keeps following him around and singing.

20. Professional soccer players across Brazil folded their arms and stood still for a short time at the start of end of season matches on Sunday to protest against alleged corruption. Begging the question, what have Cleveland Browns players been protesting for the past twenty years?

Monologue Jokes – September 16, 2013

1. Fans of “Breaking Bad” snapped up memorabilia from the hit TV series on Saturday at a New Mexico thrift store, where items sold out in less than two hours. Organizers said, “Everyone was really excited and energetic and everything was moving really fast, it was almost like people were on something.”

2. Fans of “Breaking Bad” snapped up memorabilia from the hit TV series on Saturday at a New Mexico thrift store, where items sold out in less than two hours. Said one fan, who snatched up a prop baggie of Heisenberg’s infamous blue meth, “What’s Breaking Bad?”

3. Dina Lohan, the mother of troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, was arrested and charged with drunken driving on Friday after she was stopped for speeding in New York. To save time, officers have taken to filling out arrest forms with the last name “Lohan” ahead of time, and then added the appropriate first name at the time of arrest.

4. Rapper Kanye West has been charged with battery and attempted grand theft for an alleged altercation with a photog at LAX on Friday. They say having a daughter can really change a man, so it’s good to see Kanye proving the critics wrong again.

5. Sarah Palin and her political action committee are being sued by a newspaper publisher over the use of an “iconic” September 11th photo on her website. Palin really should have known the photo was from a newspaper considering, by her own admission, she reads “all of them.”

6. Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden attended Iowa’s 36th annual “Tom Harkin Steak Fry,” which many political experts view as a sign that Biden intends to run for President. But it doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, because, by the look of most Iowans, I’ll bet there’s another steak fry next weekend.

7. On Friday, a White House official said that Dan Pfeiffer, President Obama’s senior advisor, was hospitalized twice last week due to high blood pressure, which many believe was directly tied to the situation in Syria. It should also be noted that Vice President Joe Biden was hospitalized last week as well with exhaustion due to too much time in a bouncy house.

8. Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal says he will not sell any of his shares of Twitter when it goes public. When asked if he, himself tweets, bin Talal said, “No, it’s difficult for me since my name alone takes up 140 characters.”

9. Venezuela has rejected U.S. criticism over its fight against international drug trafficking after Washington said the South American country had “failed demonstrably” for the fifth straight year. While actor Charlie Sheen told them to “keep up the good work!”

10. According to a new study, expected mothers can use steroid skin creams without putting their fetus at risk. So problem solved, just tell them you’re pregnant, A-Rod.

11. Scientists have invested and tested a technology that can mint near-perfect reproductions of Van Gogh paintings at a rate of three a day, with differences only experts can detect. So congratulations scientists, you invented a camera.

12. “12 Years a Slave,” the true story of a free black man sold into slavery in 1840s Louisiana, won the top prize at the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday. Movie critic Richard Roeper called it “inspirational,” while chef Paula Deen said, “I was sad when the credits rolled, I didn’t want it to end … not the movie, the 12 years.”