March 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to researchers, something about Republican front-runner Donald Trump, his face, voice or message, generates “increased brain activity” amongst viewers. “Oh, is that what that new feeling is?” said Trump supporters.

2. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. The baby has his father’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his grandfather’s understanding of foreign policy.

3. Mexican immigrant Efrain Delgado-Rosales was sentenced last week to five years in a Texas prison after being caught illegally crossing the border for the 24th time. Which has got to be the best example I’ve ever heard of be careful what you wish for.

4. According to a new study, women who maintain an overall healthy diet may benefit from a slightly reduced risk of hip fractures later in life. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said your grandmother’s new boyfriend.

5. Former Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings safety Husain Abdullah announced his retirement on Monday, citing the five concussions he incurred in his seven-year National Football League career. And, he may have a point, because he played for five years and his name is actually Dwight Smith.

6. The Kremlin said on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin could meet British singer Elton John when he visits Russia in May if room can be found in the two men’s schedules. Or, if they match on Grindr.

7. On Friday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed their manager Pete Mackanin to a two-year extension. Although, it could be knocked down to one year with good behavior.

8. Last week, rapper Iggy Azalea revealed that before she was allowed to collaborate with singer Britney Spears, Spears’ security team searched Azalea’s house to make sure it was drug free. And I’m pretty sure I know where Azalea hid the drugs:

9. Researchers have found that children as young as seven are sexting. Said the researchers, “It’s really not important how we found out this information.”

10. Pop singer Miley Cyrus will be a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” next season. So, when she turns her chair around, for once in her life, she’ll think the room is spinning and be right.

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