September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

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