1. Pornstar Stormy Daniels said that the recent news surrounding her alleged affair with President Trump has been great for business. In fact, to accommodate the increase in demand, Stormy is looking for new holes on her body.
2. Over the weekend, a woman in her underwear rode a horse into a night club in Miami Beach. Said the other people in the club at the time, “WOW! This is some good cocaine!”
3. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Said rich people, “Okay, then can we send all the poor people to Mars?”
4. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. So it looks like Scarsdale, New York will be able to keep its motto:
5. Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid have reportedly broken up. News that in no way will affect my desire to ever know who either of those people are.
6. According to a new study, the U.S. spends about twice what other high-income nations do on health care but has the lowest life expectancy and the highest infant mortality rates. Or, as it was reported by the Trump administration, America is #1 across the board!
7. On Tuesday, while visiting San Diego to view prototypes of the border wall, President Trump said the wall needed to be very high because the Mexicans they are dealing with are “professional mountain climbers.” Said Melania, “Teach me”:
8. This week, United Airlines wrongly shipped a 10-year-old German shepherd named Irgo to Japan instead of Kansas. But the family that received the dog in Japan wants to let its family back in Kansas know that Irgo, “is safe and delicious.”
9. According to a recently reported story, poor Afghan farming family named their son Donald Trump, hoping for good luck, but the choice has only brought misfortune. “Yeah, I could have told you that,” said Trump:
10. Tennessee officials are searching for a suspect who stole $75,000 worth of medical screws from a doctor’s car. The last time that many screws were missing from a medical professional, Ben Carson was still a brain surgeon.
11. During a speech Saturday night, President Trump called for enacting the death penalty for drug dealers. A position that Trump will undoubtedly change once he learns that Propecia and Viagra are drugs.
12. This week, Former ‘Blossom’ star and 90s heartthrob Joey Lawrence filed for bankruptcy. Begging the question, what took so long?
13. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he “couldn’t care less” if Russian citizens tried to meddle in the 2016 US election. “Oh my God, we have so much in common,” said President Trump.
14. Hillary Clinton told an audience over the weekend that while she thought President Trump played to some of Americans’ worst fears, the U.S. as a whole does “not deserve,” Trump. Even more proof that while campaigning in 2016, Hillary didn’t visit the whole country.
15. Greece indefinitely suspended its Superleague soccer games on Monday after the owner of the club PAOK Salonika was filmed wearing a gun holster as he strode onto the pitch to protest about a disallowed goal. Said President Trump, “Would he be interested in teaching gym class?”
16. During a rally over the weekend, President Trump told the people of Pennsylvania to “vote like crazy.” But assume Trump misspoke and meant to say “vote for crazy”:
17. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ President Trump still sees Ivanka as “his little girl,” And Tiffany as his “Who?”