February 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

2. According to a new poll, 60% of Americans can’t name even one movie up for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars. “Does ‘Hidden Fences’ count?” asked Jenna Bush Hager.

3. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

4. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

5. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

6. A French artist is preparing to be entombed for a week inside a 12-ton limestone boulder in a modern art museum in Paris, after which he will emerge and attempt to hatch a dozen eggs by sitting on them for weeks. An idea for a stunt that is so pointless and stupid that even David Blaine couldn’t think of it.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. According to a new study, South Korean women will be the first in the world to have an average life expectancy over 90-years-old. “Not so fast,” said North Korea.

9. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. That story again, a gathering of animals who are incapable of formally organizing, on an obscure peninsula in South America was better attended than Donald Trump’s inauguration.

10. A chiropractor in Kansas has invented something called “labia lipstick” which is designed to glue a woman’s vagina shut during her period. “Is there a superglue version?” said Octomom.

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