Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

June 15, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to handwriting experts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s signature, penned on a historic agreement with President Trump on Tuesday, indicates his ambition and creativity. While Trump’s signature indicates that he forgot to take the cap off the pen:

2. A lesbian-led event called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday in New York City. Which answers the question of why it was so easy to book a softball field in Central Park that weekend.

3. It was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1980 horror movie ‘The Shining.’ The announcement was made by Roman Polanski to a 13-year-old girl he was trying to fuck.

4. A teacher in Pennsylvania was fired this week for taking bribes from her students in exchange for better grades. But, in the teacher’s defense, she was teaching AP Government.

5. There is a Japanese pop group that is composed of men all over the age of 80. The name of the band is “Get Those New Kids Off My Block.”

6. President Trump on Saturday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about Trump. In fact. Trudeau made so many false statements about the president, Trump is considering naming him his personal physician:

7. Porsche announced this week that its first electric car will be called the Taycan. As in, “My penis is very small so I’ll be taycan this car.”

8. According to ‘Politico,’ President Trump has a habit of tearing up documents when he’s finished and there is a White House staffer whose sole job is to tape them back together. “Does that mean someone has my birthday card?” asked Don. Jr.

9. Sunday night, actor Robert DeNiro said “Fuck Trump,” during the live broadcast of the Tony Awards. Then, out of habit, after hearing those two words together on TV, Michael Cohen paid DeNiro $130,000.

10. During Sunday night’s Tony Awards, actor Robert DeNrio proclaimed “Fuck Trump,’ but CBS cut it out of the broadcast. If only the person who made that decision was also the editor for “Dirty Grandpa”:

11. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to Singapore for his meeting with President Trump to prevent intelligence officials from getting information on his health. Although, if you need to take a toilet with you wherever you go, I think I know all I need to know about your health.

12. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to this week’s summit with President Trump in Singapore. Ahh, the freedom to poop wherever you want, or, as it’s more commonly known, the New York City subway.

13. President Trump said on Tuesday North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had made an “unwavering commitment” to the complete denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. And Trump knows how strong an unwavering commitment can be:

14. After their historic meeting in Singapore, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump signed a joint statement. The statement was a proclamation of friendship, a promise to work together and a demand that the McRib be a year-round thing.

15. A Silicon Valley entrepreneur has proposed breaking up California into three states. Now comes the hard part, figuring out which part gets stuck with the Clippers.

16. Yesterday was President Trump’s birthday. To celebrate, Donald took the day off from work for the last 509 days:

17. According to ‘The New York Post’, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been bragging to friends about having an affair with a married woman who he allegedly claims has “big boobs.” That story again, Rudy Giuliani has a cousin with really big knockers.

18. Scientists in Germany have developed a humanoid robot that hugs humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. They are still working out the kinks:

19. Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to deliver hugs to humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Because I can’t think off anything less stressful than being hugged against my will by a German robot.

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

February 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Florida claims an airline told her to flush her hamster down a toilet at the airport because the emotional support pet wasn’t allowed to fly with her. “Or, hear me out, you could go with plan B,” said Richard Gere.

2. On Tuesday, entrepreneur Elon Mush launched a Tesla roadster into outer space. A car hasn’t been that far away from a road since the last time Billy Joel got behind a wheel.

3. According to reports, President Trump wants to stage a military parade outside of the White House later this year. The last time a group of people marched on the White House bearing weapons, they were coming for Eric:

4. A new survey found that the average New York City resident has sex 26.6 times a year. Thus, marking the first time Melania is happy that she now lives in D.C.

5. A new survey found that the average New York City resident has sex 26.6 times a year. “That number seems way off,” said this New York couple meaning completely different things:

6. According to a new report, nearly $2 of every $10 the Trump campaign spent last year went towards legal fees. Presumably because a Big Mac costs $7.99.

7. Last week a man in Oregon pled guilty to reporting his father and brother as terrorists because they got an invitation to a family wedding and he didn’t. But, if you ask me, the real terrorists are the bride and the groom who made it a destination wedding.

8. On Sunday, Kylie Jenner announced that she gave birth to a baby girl. Now comes the really difficult part, deciding what name the baby should call her grandparents:

9. As per tradition, after winning the Super Bowl, the Philadelphia Eagles will be invited to the White House. And it can’t go any worse than the last time Trump met an eagle:

10. Doritos is reportedly working on ‘lady-friendly’ chips that don’t crunch for women. Who said the Women’s March didn’t accomplish anything:

11. There was a surge in searches for pornography in Boston following the Patriots Super Bowl loss on Sunday. I guess their fans, much like the Patriots, wanted to beat themselves:

12. An Illinois high school math teacher has come under fire for giving her students a homework assignment that mentioned cocaine and getting high. Said the teacher, “It was a mix-up, but, on the plus side, my drug dealer is really good at long division now.”

13. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his father’s credit card to pay for it. The student and stripper serve as a good reminder of what can happen if your dad doesn’t pay more attention to you.

14. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. It’s the first stripper to visit that middle school since Becky’s mom participated in career day.

15. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. Said the kid’s angry father, “How many times have I told you, never pay a stripper with a credit card!”

July 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, happy cows produce more milk. And, if they’re really happy, that ain’t milk.

2. In a recent interview, former late-night host David Letterman said that people need to “stop whining” about President Trump and instead “figure out a way” to remove him from office. Letterman went on to say, “And the best way I know to push someone out of a job is to get Jay Leno interested in that job.”

3. A New Hampshire mom said she was horrified after her son returned from a McDonald’s playpen covered in feces. Of course, a McDonald’s covered in shit can only mean one thing, the McRib is back!

4. This week, the Kremlin confirmed that President Vladimir Putin speaks Russian, English and German. While our president barely speaks English:

5. Yesterday, in response to recent news, President Trump released a statement calling his son Donald Trump Jr. “a high quality person.” The Donald calling Don Jr. “a high quality person” is just further proof that the president spends absolutely no time with his son.

6. Yesterday, in response to recent news, President Trump released a statement calling his son Donald Trump Jr. “a high quality person.” Which also, is how I assume Trump signs all Don Jr.’s birthday cards:

7. According to a new study, employees who see themselves as over-qualified for their positions are more likely to be unsatisfied with their life. Which explains why Secretary of Energy Rick Perry always seems so happy.

8. A five-year-old boy is being investigated for sexting another kid of similar age over the weekend. Which I’m guessing means Anthony Weiner had custody of his son this past weekend.

9. According to reports, Steve Bannon has a painting of himself as Napoleon hanging in his office. Of course, when Bannon puts his hand in his shirt, it’s not to look dignified, it’s because he has indigestion.

10. A new survey finds men, Republicans, and residents of the northeast are the best tippers. “To his credit, Elliot Spitzer always tipped well,” said whores.

June 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last year, tourists threw $2 million worth of coins in Rome’s Trevi Fountain. As a result, it now insists on being called Trevor Fountain III.

2. A Lebanese calligrapher has completed a two-year project to hand write a copy of the Koran, Islam’s holy book. Meanwhile, I’m in year three of trying to get through “Eat, Pray, Love.”

3. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. “Come on, at least we have a talent portion, too,” said Fox News.

4. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. The winner was able to both separate an atom and stimulate an Adam.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ a framed edition of ‘Time Magazine’ with President Trump on the cover that hangs in many of his golf clubs is actually a fake. Which makes me wonder if he was really named People’s Sexiest Man of 2005:

6. Taco Bell is offering a $600 wedding package at its Las Vegas location. The theme of every wedding there will be ‘Bad Decisions.’

7. According to a new survey, an overwhelming majority of people in other countries have no confidence in President Trump’s ability to lead. And a majority in this country as well:

8. A New York man was charged with disorderly conduct after using the free WiFi at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to watch porn on his tablet. Said the man, “That special sauce isn’t gonna make itself.”

9. A New Zealand duo set a world record for the longest throw and catch of an unbroken egg at over 265 feet. But, as a precaution, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were onsite just in case.

10. According to a new study, listening to Justin Bieber music while eating can make your food taste bad. Although, if you’re eating at a Guy Fieri restaurant it’s kinda hard to determine what caused what.

May 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Early Monday morning, President Trump sent out a tweet congratulating golfer John Daly on his win over the weekend. That’s weird, they’re friends? I wonder what an overweight man who golfs every weekend has in common with John Daly.

2. KFC has published a romance novel featuring Colonel Sanders. Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald is this month’s ‘Playgirl’ centerfold:

3. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The director tried to warn her by pointing and screaming “hammerhead,” but she thought he was just giving notes of the scene.

4. A woman in Colombia swallowed $7,000 in cash in an attempt to hide the money from her husband during a fight. He should kiss and makeup with her as quickly as possible, not because of the money, but because a woman with a gag reflex like that is hard to find.

5. Today is National Teachers Day, a day where people are encouraged to contact former teachers and tell how they changed their lives. Which is easy for the new French President Emmanuel Marcon, he’ll just repeat his wedding vows.

6. Former acting-Attorney General Sally Yates testified on Monday that she warned President Trump’s administration that former national security adviser Michael Flynn could be susceptible to being blackmailed by the Russians. Begging the questions, how many pee tapes do these guys have?

7. Facebook users in Thailand have been blocked from seeing a picture of their king in a crop top. As opposed to America’s brave leader, who, on a weekly basis, proves that if you eat enough KFC and McDonald’s, any top can become a crop top:

8. Scientists have discovered that for some people simply looking at vertical lines may trigger a migraine or seizure. Especially if you’re from Boston:

9. A highly anticipated unauthorized biography of Barack Obama is being released today. The foreword, written by President Trump, starts, “Once upon a time in Kenya…”

10. ‘Godfather’ director Francis Ford Coppola has sent a letter to the top U.S. telecommunications regulator urging support for ‘net neutrality.’ Hopefully they get the picture and he doesn’t have to send them a second message: