May 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

2. A woman who has accused Bill Cosby of drugging and molesting her at a Playboy Mansion party in 2008 has filed a second lawsuit accusing Playboy founder Hugh Hefner of conspiring in the assault. Said Hefner, “Cool, a three-way.”

3. Pictures of a three-year-old boy with a diagonal cut on his foreign went viral when his mom turned the scar into Harry Potter’s iconic lightning bolt scar. Child protective services are now referring to the boy’s mother as She Who Must Not Be Named.

4. Actor Henry Cavill, who portrays Superman on the big screen, has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend of seven months. Apparently commitment is his kryptonite.

5. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Reverend Billy Graham, said terror attacks such as 9/11 and the mass shooting in San Bernardino were allowed by God because of the gay rights movement and the acceptance of evolution. Although it’s unclear what terrible things mankind did for God to unleash Anne Graham Lotz on us.

6. A 64-year-old man, who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the U.S. to undergo a successful penis transplant, getting the donor penis from a deceased man. The only downside is, due to rigamortis, he is always erect.

7. On Monday, Democrat Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she will name her husband, former President Bill Clinton, her economy czar. Because Hillary, more than anyone else, knows that it’s not good for Bill to have down time at the White House.

8. In a new interview, Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said of her husband, “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler.” Coincidentally, Melania was also required to include that line in her wedding vows.

9. It was announced this week that South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their first-ever joint anti-missile exercise next month. “Let us know if you want to make it more than just an exercise,” said North Korea.

10. A Colorado Springs school district has approved the use of medical marijuana for its students. Which means, even if it’s announced ahead of time, to those students, every test will be a surprise pop quiz.

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