Tag Archives: Willie Nelson

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

February 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he does not believe President Obama loves America. Because who better to take advice on love from than a guy who’s been married three times.

2. According to a recently released photo, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is sporting a new haircut. Not surprising, since they just got Netflix over there, it’s the Rachel.

3. In a recent interview, Jane Fonda said that despite being 77 she still smokes pot every now and then. “Me too,” said Willie Nelson, “except it’s more like ‘all the time’ and I can’t remember my age.”

4. Little Ceasar’s has come out with a new deep dish pizza featuring a crust wrapped in bacon. Which explains their new slogan, “Et tu, Fattie.”

5. A senior California health official said on Thursday, the source of the recent measles outbreak, thought to have begun at Disneyland, may never be identified. “Dodged that bullet” said Sneezy.

6. Two lawsuits seeking to shut down Colorado’s recreational marijuana industry were filed on Thursday by state residents who say legalized pot violates federal racketeering laws, hurts business and diminishes property value. Said attorneys for the marijuana industry, “You guys just need to chillax, luckily we’ve got just the thing.”

7. There was a bomb scare yesterday in Hollywood near the venue for this weekend’s 78th Academy Awards. Crisis was adverted when authorities persuaded owners of a nearby movie theater to stop playing “Mordechai.”

8. Nestle says it will become the first major candy maker to eliminate all artificial color and flavors from its chocolates. Said Nestle, “We don’t like money.”

9. A Florida man has reportedly gotten the world’s first penis reduction surgery. Said the man, “I have always wanted to own a Porsche.”

10. On Thursday, Texas issued its first ever marriage license to a same-sex couple. So look out steers, they’re coming for your top billing.

11. The U.S. government on Tuesday established a policy for exporting military drones, including armed ones. “Really? Could have sworn you’ve been exporting armed drones for a while now,” said residents of Afghanistan.

12. With the resignation of Oregon’s Governor John Kitzhaber, Secretary of State Kate Brown is set to become the nation’s first openly bisexual governor. “Do I get a vote in who your running mate should be, Hillary?” said Bill.

13. Actor Emile Hirsch has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility after he allegedly assaulted a film executive at the Sundance Film Festival last month. A representative for Hirsch said the actor is making great strides in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially since he was practically anonymous when he entered the program.

14. A scorpion stung a passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to Oregon that departed from Mexico. So, lesson learned, always let the scorpion have the armrest.

October 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, young kids who were exposed to BPA before birth are more likely to have a wheeze before the age of five. Also a contributing factor to developing a wheeze, marrying George Jefferson.

2. It was announced yesterday that “Twin Peaks, the murder mystery TV series from the 1990s, will return to the airwaves on paid cable channel Showtime in 2016. It will be very different from the “Twin Peaks” that airs on Cinemax.

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars mascot is catching heat for a sign he held up making light of the Ebola outbreak at a game over the weekend against the Steelers. Luckily, since it was a Jags home game, no one was in the stands to be offended.

4. On Monday, the Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to a group of doctors who discovered cells in the human brain that act as the body’s GPS and help people navigate. The doctors are now working to determine why these cells are missing in all New York City tourists.

5. A group of protestors in Ferguson disrupted the St. Louis Symphony during intermission by creating a flash mob and demanding justice for Michael Brown. Employees became suspicious when people showed up to the symphony.

6. Goop, the lifestyle blog founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow in 2008, named a new CEO on Monday. Goop, that’s a stupid name for a website. By the way, thank you for checking out prejectedjokes.com.

7. Willie Nelson’s trademark hair braids sold for $37,000 at an auction over the weekend. Which is the exact opposite of buying clean urine for a drug test.

8. According to a new study, more than one-quarter of teens engage in sexting and those who send explicit photos of themselves are more likely to become sexually active sooner. So keep at it teenage boys, it’s really just a numbers game.

9. On Monday, President Obama said the government would develop a screening process for airline passengers aimed at preventing the spread of the Ebola virus. The new process would be a survey consisting of one question: Are you coming from Africa?

10. Former President Bill Clinton returned to Arkansas on Monday for two days of rallies aimed at energizing Democratic voters in state political races. Said Clinton, “It’s so nice to see so many familiar faces, especially many of the toddlers whose faces are eerily similar to my own.”

April 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Mercedes Benz and CarMax have pulled their sponsorship deals with the Los Angeles Clippers in the wake of owner Donald Sterling’s racist comments. But those companies have been quickly replaced by new sponsors Paula Deen’s Hometown Buffet and the entire state of Alabama.

2. Country music legend Willie Nelson turns 81 today. To celebrate, friends are throwing him a surprise party, but when you’re Willie Nelson, aren’t all parties surprise parties?

3. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while making only $8.03 an hour. Which is why the seven dwarfs live together in real life too.

4. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent making while only $8.03 an hour. Said one employee, “It all started to go downhill when we installed Barack Obama in the Hall of Presidents.”

5. Researchers have found 3,000 different kinds of bacteria living on $1 bills. So it turns out Sally Struthers was wrong, I actually saved more lives by not sending that dollar a day.

6. Colorado lawmakers approved legislation on Monday that limits the use of solitary confinement for prison inmates. Said one prisoner, “Great, a roommate? Now I gotta put my name on all my shivs.”

7. California lawmakers took steps on Monday to ban so-called extortion websites from posting mug shots of people who have been arrested and then demanding payment to remove the photos. The victims call it a crass way to make a buck, while Lindsay Lohan calls it the most positive publicity she’s had in years.

8. A letter from a passenger on the Titanic written just hours before the ship hit an iceberg and sunk, sold at auction on Saturday for $200,000. The letter reads, “Trip has been great. Just the vacation I needed. Staff has been attentive, although for some reason they keep rearranging the deck chairs.”

9. A bearded Austrian drag queen named Conchita Wurst will take to the European stage as her country’s contender for Eurovision, the extremely popular television singing contest that pits nation against nation. If Wurst fails to win, she will return to her day job, Cher impersonator.

10. An Ohio woman has been charged with petty theft after cemetery surveillance video caught her taking a toy off the grave of a young boy. As a result, I will have to find a new place to get my flowers.

April 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Queen Elizabeth met Pope Francis for the first time on Thursday and gave the pontiff a gift basket that included a dozen eggs and a bottle of whiskey. Said the Queen, “The whiskey is for tonight and then, if things go according to plan, I’ll make you those eggs tomorrow morning.”

2. When asked about aliens, former President Bill Clinton said he “wouldn’t be surprised” if we were visited by extraterrestrials someday. He then went on to rehash, in great detail, the plot of “Busty Aliens from Outer Space.”

3. A Kentucky man was arrested on Monday for breaking into Churchill Downs racetrack and doing ‘donuts’ on the infield in his car. The man is expected to plead “Kentucky.”

4. According to Anchorage Police, an Alaska man, missing for more than a year, was found dead in his home on Monday. Begging the question, where were they looking before?

5. NASA announced that it is suspending much of its work with Russia in light of its recent actions in Ukraine. NASA’s announcement read “Solvychegidsk, we have a problem.”

6. According to research, runners who average more than 20 miles a week don’t live as long as those who run less than 20 miles a week. But that’s probably because there are a lot of lions in Kenya.

7. According to research, runners who average more than 20 miles a week don’t live as long as those who run less than 20 miles a week. So you know that annoying co-worker who’s always talking about how much he loves running? Don’t worry, he’ll be dead soon.

8. Rapper Iggy Azalea admitted that Los Angeles Laker Nick Young took her on a first date to Target. But, in Young’s defense, the Lakers are having a terrible season and I’m sure he was going to Target just hoping someone would steal his identity.

9. The Supreme Court on Wednesday struck down a key pillar of federal campaign finance law by allowing donors to give to as many political candidates, parties and committees as they wish. Adding, “And, if you wanna throw a little money our way, we’re cool with that, too.”

10. A Seattle man who became concerned after receiving two surprise packages of marijuana in the mail took the shipments to police. “Dude, why can’t you just be cool about things?” said the man’s neighbor, Willie Nelson.

11. Patients treated by renal artery denervation were no more likely to see their blood pressure decline than those who received a fake therapy in a major clinical trial. Although the blood pressure of those who received the denervation treatment was considerably lower in comparison once those who received the fake treatment were told about it.

12. According to a new paid study, marijuana smokers’ behavior is more important than the potency of their pot in predicting who will eventually become dependent upon the drug. Said one of the study’s subjects, “We get paid for this too?”

December 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Willie Nelson is the latest act to cancel a concert at Orlando’s SeaWorld in the wake of the animal abuse documentary “Blackfish.” But, there’s still a good chance that Willie forgets and shows up anyway.

2. Researchers say they have observed alligators using sticks to lure in prey in the wild. No word on whether gators prefer “Come Sail Away” or “Mr. Roboto.”

3. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Although, now that it’s two decades old, I have a feeling the priests are gonna lose interest in it anway.

4. On Monday, North Korea announced the dismissal of Jang Song Thaek, the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un, for what it described as a string of criminal acts including corruption, womanizing and drug abuse. And, somewhere in the world, Rob Ford crosses off “North Korea” on his list of places to visit.

5. Six men suspected of stealing dangerous radioactive cargo from a truck outside Mexico City earlier this week, have been treated at a local hospital for signs of radiation as they remain under police guard. But, it’s not all bad news, as a result of the exposure, we now have six new superheros: the Glowing-Green Mexican, His-Panic, the Gardener, El Hombre Muy Enferma, Dora the Sheer Horror and Leukemia Man.

6. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. “Great, now if I get it fixed will you change the name?” said Tim Peyronie.

7. Sporting Kansas City won its second MLS Cup in dramatic fashion on Saturday, beating Real Salt Lake 7-6 in a penalty shootout. Kansas City will hold the victory parade never, because it’s soccer and no one cares.

8. NBC’s telecast of the musical “The Sound of Music” last week garnered an impressive 18.5 million viewers. Former American Idol winner Carrie Underwood’s performance as Maria received mixed reviews, but everyone agreed fellow A.I. alum Ruben Studdard nailed his role as the Alps.

9. Walt Disney has bought the rights to any future “Indiana Jones” films under an agreement with Paramount Pictures. Reportedly they have already begun work on the next film, “Indiana Jones and Temple of Room-atoid Arthritis.”

10. Republican Senator Rand Paul said on Sunday he is giving serious thought to a run for the presidency in 2016. “That’s great sir, but this is a Radio Shack and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” said the only other person in the room.