October 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, young kids who were exposed to BPA before birth are more likely to have a wheeze before the age of five. Also a contributing factor to developing a wheeze, marrying George Jefferson.

2. It was announced yesterday that “Twin Peaks, the murder mystery TV series from the 1990s, will return to the airwaves on paid cable channel Showtime in 2016. It will be very different from the “Twin Peaks” that airs on Cinemax.

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars mascot is catching heat for a sign he held up making light of the Ebola outbreak at a game over the weekend against the Steelers. Luckily, since it was a Jags home game, no one was in the stands to be offended.

4. On Monday, the Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to a group of doctors who discovered cells in the human brain that act as the body’s GPS and help people navigate. The doctors are now working to determine why these cells are missing in all New York City tourists.

5. A group of protestors in Ferguson disrupted the St. Louis Symphony during intermission by creating a flash mob and demanding justice for Michael Brown. Employees became suspicious when people showed up to the symphony.

6. Goop, the lifestyle blog founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow in 2008, named a new CEO on Monday. Goop, that’s a stupid name for a website. By the way, thank you for checking out prejectedjokes.com.

7. Willie Nelson’s trademark hair braids sold for $37,000 at an auction over the weekend. Which is the exact opposite of buying clean urine for a drug test.

8. According to a new study, more than one-quarter of teens engage in sexting and those who send explicit photos of themselves are more likely to become sexually active sooner. So keep at it teenage boys, it’s really just a numbers game.

9. On Monday, President Obama said the government would develop a screening process for airline passengers aimed at preventing the spread of the Ebola virus. The new process would be a survey consisting of one question: Are you coming from Africa?

10. Former President Bill Clinton returned to Arkansas on Monday for two days of rallies aimed at energizing Democratic voters in state political races. Said Clinton, “It’s so nice to see so many familiar faces, especially many of the toddlers whose faces are eerily similar to my own.”

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