June 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, pregnant actress Megan Fox said she recently moved homes because her unborn baby told her to. But, since Fox starred in a Michael Bay “Transformers” movie, her baby is only the second most immature person she’s taken directions from.

2. According to reports, NATO members will likely agree during a summit meeting next month to designate cyber as an official domain of warfare along with air, sea, land and space. So, come next month, calling Becky a bitch on Facebook will be a war crime.

3. Forbes magazine on Wednesday reduced its estimated net worth of Elizabeth Holmes, the founder and CEO of health technology company Theranos, from $4.5 billion to zero. The last time someone’s estimated net worth fluctuated that much Donald Trump was talking about how rich in was in two different speeches.

4. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization declared that Guinea, which had been ravaged by Ebola, no longer had any active transmissions of the disease in the country. The people of Guinea celebrated by fucking a bunch of monkeys.

5. According to a new study, therapists are less likely to schedule appointments with black and working-class individuals than white and middle-class patients. And I’d love to know how that makes black and working-class individuals feel, but, apparently, no one is willing to ask them.

6. On Wednesday, the NFL announced that the Pro Bowl, traditionally held in Hawaii, will be played in Orlando next year. Finally giving at least one Cleveland Browns player the chance to say “I’m going to Disneyland.”

7. Yesterday, the Polish justice minister said Poland intends to extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. over a 1977 child sex conviction if the supreme court approves the move. Which means, somewhere in the world, Woody Allen just crossed off ‘Poland’ from his list.

8. Disney and Lucasfilm announced that Star Wars fans will be able to buy detailed replicas of items used in the most recent film, made by the same team who made the actual props for the movie. Because Star Wars fans are okay accepting replicas if its impossible for them to get their hands on the real thing:
blow up doll

9. A British man is complaining after a mistake left him looking like Adolf Hitler in his passport photo. But, on the plus-side, when he travels to Poland, customs officials put up zero resistance.

10. A blind Louisiana man is suing McDonald’s for discrimination after they refused to serve him as a walk up customer during late-night hours when only the drive-thru window was open. But, I don’t think the man has much of a case, since the incident in question, was actually him demanding some McNuggets while standing in the middle of a Walgreens.

October 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, Donald Trump suggested that he was partly responsible for convincing House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy to drop his bid to become the new speaker. Now, if he could only convince himself of the same.

2. Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal now owns over 5% of Twitter. It’s weird the Prince is a fan of Twitter since his name alone takes up most of the 140 character limit.

3. A video game engineer this week proposed to his girlfriend by using his company’s virtual reality headset. But, of course, he had to since that is the only place where his girlfriend exists.

4. Doctors in the U.K. are working on a procedure that can build a replacement penis out of a man’s arm. And you thought putting on a condom was hard before.

5. A German actor who dressed up as Adolf Hitler for a movie and traveled through the country for four weeks was shocked by the warm welcome he received. Even more shocking, France has already surrendered.

6. Hundreds of people gathered in New York’s Central Park on Tuesday in an attempt to set a record for the largest human peace symbol to celebrate what would have been John Lennon’s 75th birthday this year. Worried that the crowd might turn violent, the NYPD got them to disperse by playing some of Yoko Ono’s music.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. “Dear God, no!” said the water beneath the Brooklyn Bridge.

8. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said Friday that a bankruptcy plan proposed by Patriot Coal is “outrageous and must be stopped” because it diverts money intended for coal miners’ retirement benefits. Clinton suggested a back-up plan to raise the necessary funds in which she will make diamonds by putting pieces of coal between her butt cheeks.

9. Someone has invented a portable sex robot that’s being called the three-in-one male masturbator. Which means Kim, Khloe and Kourtney will need to come up with a new nickname.

10. High-resolution scans suggest the tomb of Egypt’s boy-king Tutankhamun contains passages to two hidden chambers. Which, if true, means King Tut’s coffin is more spacious than my $2000 a month, New York City apartment.

11. Ethiopia aims to triple its number of foreign visitors to more than 2.5 million by 2020, making tourism a pillar of the African country’s economy. “We’ll see about that,” said Ebola.

12. A processing company that provides chicken to KFC was fined last week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. But in KFC’s defense, they never clarified whose fingers were finger-licking good.

13. A Virginia Beach mother was stunned last week when she opened up the box for a newly purchased toy sword, but instead found 800 rounds of nine millimeter ammunition. So good luck to whoever unknowingly brought a toy knife to a gun fight.

14. Select Burger King stores have introduce limited edition Whopper wine. The wine pairs perfectly with disappointment.

15. The author of the popular book series “Lemony Snicket and a Series of Unfortunate Events” has donated $1 million to Planned Parenthood. Which seems like a pretty bad business decision for a guy who writes children’s books.

May 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 141st Kentucky Derby with Firing Line coming in second and Dortmund taking third. Unsurprisingly, last place went to I’m Glue Now.

2. After losing in an unanimous decision to Floyd Mayweather Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao told reporters that he thought that he had won the match. That story again, the guy who got hit in the head 100 times has a different memory of things.

3. Over the weekend, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn announced the end of their three-year relationship citing “hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.” Begging the question, what kind of stripper name is “Hectic Lives”?

4. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is advising people to refrain from having sex with Ebola survivors. Well, there goes my pickup line.

5. Two more women came forward on Friday claiming that comedian Bill Cosby sexually assaulted them decades ago, bringing the list of accusers to more than 40. I’m no legal expert, but it’s probably a bad sign when the rape case against you is a class action.

6. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And if Bush does catch a game with Pitbull the real hero will be the guy who operates the Kiss Cam.

7. The first ever Starbucks express store opened in New York last week. The store is able to speed up the average wait-time by encouraging customers to give an incorrect name to begin with.

8. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. When asked why they were watching Victoria’s Secret surveillance video, authorities said, “That’s not important.”

9. Thursday night, the Cleveland Browns misspelled the name of their first round pick Cameron Erving when announcing the pick on Twitter. Said Erving, “Since I’m going to Cleveland I’d rather be incognito anyway.”

10. Due to financial difficulties, Malaysian Airlines announced that it will be offloading its entire fleet of A380 super jumbo jets. Hopefully, this time, when Malaysian Airlines gets rid of planes no one will be on them.

April 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is April 15th, the last day to file your federal income taxes. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about this, maybe you shouldn’t be using this stupid website to get all your news.

2. An Apple iPad which belonged to Pope Francis sold for $30,500 at auction on Tuesday. And, according to Google autofill, the Holy Father has a thing for Asian chicks.

3. Percy Sledge, singer of the R&B hit “When a Man Loves a Woman,” died yesterday at the age of 73. And, it looks like he took his own advice, since he’s survived by twelve children.

4. A 65-year-old mother of thirteen in Germany is pregnant with quadruplets. Making her birth canal the second most traveled path in Germany behind the Autobahn.

5. A musical based on the hit reality show ‘Duck Dynasty’ opens in Las Vegas today. So, if you like musicals and you like ‘Duck Dynasty,’ you’re lying about one of those things.

6. Nearly two dozen filmmakers have pulled out of the Istanbul Film Festival after the Turkish government prevented the screening of a film about Kurdish militants. Those who have seen the film said it is very similar to Seth Rogen’s ‘The Interview’ except this film is good.

7. A Los Angeles-bound Alaska Airlines flight made an emergency landing on Monday after it took off with a worker trapped in a cargo area under the cabin where he had fallen asleep. Man, I am so jealous of people who are able to sleep on planes.

8. According to Speaker of the House John Boehner, U.S. troops in Iraq should be doing more than training Iraqi solders in the fight against Islamic State militants. Because the best person to give a lecture on being more productive at work is a Congressman.

9. Artist Romero Britto is suing Apple claiming the tech giant stole his style of artwork in a recent marketing campaign. And Britto appears to have a valid argument since after he sells a painting he immediately starts working on a new painting that he will sell in four months that makes the previous painting look like shit.

10. Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips, currently in a jail in California, is suspected in the killing of his cellmate. Which is bad news for Phillips, and even worse news for Philips’s next cellmate.

January 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a recent Knicks game, a fan kissed a total stranger after her boyfriend refused to participate in the Kiss Cam. That’s crazy, there were three people at a Knicks game?

2. A Beverly Hills rare coin dealer purchased a 1792 American penny for nearly $2.6 million at auction. “Good to know that I’m not the only one whose overpaid for a Penny,” said Rob Reiner.

3. Donald Trump has sued Palm Beach County, Florida, accusing the airport of deliberately sending air traffic over his Mar-a-Lago mansion. Which is weird, because I just assumed from his hairstyle that he had no idea about anything that was going on over his head.

4. On Tuesday, Facebook said it will start issuing emergency alerts to its 140 million users when children go missing. It will serve as great notice to parents who haven’t looked up from their smartphone for the past four hours that their kid is missing.

5. The director of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention said on Tuesday that he was “confident” he could reach his goal of getting the West Africa Ebola outbreak down to zero cases. “Funny, that’s my goal, too,” said Ebola.

6. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations yesterday, including worst picture, screenplay and director. Said director Michael Bay, “Joke’s on you, we didn’t have a screenplay.”

7. According to local Seattle officials, a black Labrador named Eclipse has been riding city buses without her owner to a local dog park for the past few weeks. Said Eclipse, “It’s not a big deal, my car is in the shop.”

8. It was announced yesterday that Woody Allen will write and direct an online series for Amazon. So now you won’t know if Allen is nervously stuttering or if your computer is buffering.

9. Congressional Republicans have invited former Tonight Show host Jay Leno and ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair to speak at their annual retreat in Pennsylvania. Because, apparently, Republicans never tire of getting accused of living in the past.

10. After the Broncos lost to the Colts over the weekend, Denver quarterback Peyton Manning implied that he may retire after this season. Although, after watching his performance verse the Colts, he may have gotten an early start on that.

December 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Residents in Southern California have complained about a medical marijuana dispensary’s Christmas display which features a pot-smoking Santa Claus. He goes into to other people’s home and eats their cookies, only works one day a year and is always jolly, yeah, that kinda makes sense.

2. Yesterday, a new trailer for a documentary about the Backstreet Boys was released. So you know what to do, North Korea, you know what to do.

3. GE plans to release its first feature film, a documentary about breakdancing, through video streaming devices like Roku and Apple TV. The movie is entitled “Breakin’ 2: General Electric Boogaloo.”

4. According to People magazine, “7th Heaven” star Stephen Collins has admitted to inappropriate sexual conduct with three women more than 20 years ago. Or, as Bill Cosby refers to it, a Tuesday.

5. Senator Marco Rubio said on Wednesday he would “make every effort” to block moves by President Obama towards normalizing relations with the Cuban government. In response, Cuban President Raul Castro asked Obama, “Do you have to deal with this a lot? You should really look into a dictatorship, it’s much easier.”

6. Yesterday, U.S. House Speaker John Boehner sharply criticized President Obama’s policy change toward Cuba, calling it “another in a long line of mindless concessions” to a brutal dictatorship. Proving that Boehner does at least know the word “concession.”

7. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. Or, for free, you can go to the zoo and watch the elephants bone.

8. Two of the top Google searches in 2014 were “Frozen” and “Ebola.” The most typed inquiry was “What’s harder to get out of your system, that song from ‘Frozen’ or Ebola?”

9. A copy of a vintage ET Atari video game extracted from a New Mexico landfill where hundreds of the cartridges we’re dumped after the game flopped in the 1980s has made its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Said a representative for the Smithsonian, “Yeah, we’re running out shit to put in here.”

10. According to a new study, people who feel younger tend to live longer. “Looks like I’m gonna live forever,” said Jerry Sandusky, mistaking the word “younger” for “youngster.”

11. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. A practice that really tests the limits of how well your dog sits and stays.

12. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. He was not in mint condition.

13. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. Berger credited his long life to his mother not getting rid of him when he went off to college.

14. Jeb Bush says he plans to release 250,000 emails from his time as Florida’s governor as part of an e-book that he is writing while he decides whether to run for president. “Look, I didn’t read them when you sent them to me, I definitely not gonna read them in book form,” said W.

15. Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, facing suspension from the NFL for the rest of the season after being charged with beating his son, said on Saturday that he is considering retirement and a bid for the U.S. Olympic track team. And, if the other countries are smart, they’ll try to get Adrian Peterson Jr. on their track team because he has the most motivation to outrun him.

16. On Saturday, Richard Stockton College bought the shut-down Showboat Atlantic City Casino for $18 million with plans to turn it into a new branch campus. Although, considering the current job market, students probably would have gotten a better return on their tuition under the previous business model.

December 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Said God, “Dealing with Kanye should be punishment enough. You got fat on your own.”

2. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Which isn’t sound logic, because it fails to explain why Khloe’s fat.

3. Boston construction workers have unearthed a time capsule embedded in the cornerstone of the Massachusetts State House believed to date back to 1795. The capsule reportedly contained a writing quill, wig powder and a “Fuck thy Yankees” t-shirt.

4. Using a piece of tape and a pair of scissors, a Keurig coffee machine owner found a way around the company’s restriction of only allowing users to brew coffee licensed by Keurig. Because when you own a single serving coffee maker, you tend to have a lot of free time on your hands.

5. A new app, designed to replace the alarm clock, allows users to be woken on up in the morning by a one-minute phone call from a complete stranger. “Well, I know when I’m no longer needed,” said the guy who lives in the apartment above me.

6. According to a new study, the most marketable player in the NBA is Oklahoma City’s Kevin Durant. While the least marketable player is a 15-way tie between everyone on the Knicks’ roster.

7. Researchers in Australia have developed a prototype sports bra that automatically tightens when it senses breast movement. If by ‘tighten’ you mean ‘stiffen,’ then I got one of those too.

8. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who asks me that question ‘cowboy goldfish.’”

9. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “Joke’s on you, I’m not smart enough to be governor.”

10. A mother of six from London was jailed for five years and three months on Thursday after admitting to four counts of distributing terrorist publications via Facebook. Although, if you ask me, I think it’s commendable that a mother of six posted something other than pictures of her kids on Facebook.

11. A British woman is selling her own breast milk for $20 a bottle to help pay for his kids’ Christmas presents. Considering the demand for a strange woman’s breast milk on the open market, I’m guessing those kids may be getting bottles of breast milk as presents this Christmas.

12. KFC has released a message to its Chinese customers to “Come see how we operate for yourself” after many diners were worried about eating their fried chicken due to a safety scare at the fast food chain. This response was better than KFC’s first message, “Oh, now you’re picky, you eat dog.”

13. In a recent interview, former President George W. Bush said that he refers to Hillary Clinton as his “sister-in-law.” Which I assume means Bill fucked Laura.

14. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. They should fit in quite nicely considering how many Wall Street guys also married women way outta their league.

15. A Cuban doctor, who contracted Ebola in Sierra Leone and was cured after experimental treatment in a Swiss hospital, vowed on Saturday to return to West Africa and continue treating patients. Which is extremely noble, until you hear that his other option was to return to Cuba.

16. Disney-Pixar is translating the wildly popular children’s film “Finding Nemo” into Navajo. Said Disney, “Once again, sorry about Pocahontas.’”

December 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A church in Alabama has started holding Sunday services at a local Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Because who needs to be saved more than people who spend their Sunday mornings at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant?

2. One of the two psychologists who devised the CIA’s harsh Bush-era interrogation methods said on Wednesday that the scathing U.S. Senate report on the torture of foreign terrorism suspects “took things out of context” and made false accusations. Said that psychologist, “Oh the things I would do if I got my hands on the guy who wrote that report.”

3. Yesterday, Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai and Indian activist Kailash Satyarthi received their Nobel Peace Prizes. And, during the same ceremony, a special prize was given to the guy who had to engrave their medals.

4. According to a new study, a man’s overall health may be reflected in the quality of his semen. Said the scientist in charged of the study, “I should have worn gloves.”

5. Yesterday, Time Magazine named the Ebola healthcare workers as its Person of the Year. “You’re welcome,” said Ebola.

6. According to a recent study, minoxidil, best known as a hair-loss treatment, may cause dangerous side effects if kids are accidentally exposed to it. Unless the kids are Greek, then it really doesn’t make much of a difference.

7. On Wednesday, health officials said that China is considering raising cigarette prices. So, if you’re Chinese, addicted to cigarettes, but can no longer afford them, a good substitute is just breathing the air over there.

8. A Wisconsin man told a sheriff’s deputy he had not been drinking, but rather eating beer-battered fish when he was pulled over for what would be his 10th drunken driving offense. The only thing worse than his idiotic excuse is that it took him ten tries to come up with it.

9. The CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch resigned yesterday. He said he wants to spend more time at home, with his family, dressing his kids like douchebags.

10. Poland’s former President Aleksander Kwaniewski acknowledged for the first time that he allowed the CIA to operate a secret interrogation center in his country, but denied that he knew prisoners were being tortured there. Said Kwaniewski, “I thought they were bringing them here for our … you know, to enjoy the … to revel in our … now that I think about it, the torture thing makes sense.”

November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

November 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama will announce his plan to fix immigration today at 8pm during a nationally televised press conference. His plan, step one, wait two years. Step two, let Hillary deal with this shit.

2. Charles Manson’s future mother-in-law says she approves of her daughter marrying the convicted murderer. So move over Dina Lohan.

3. A new app for Google Glass has been released that lets users watch themselves while having sex. “Finally,” said Kanye.

4. The biggest advertising billboard in Times Square history, longer than a football field and eight stories high, will turn on its nearly 24 million LED pixels next Tuesday. The screen is so massive that it is able to show almost half of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

5. A banking culture that implicitly puts financial gain above all else fuels greed and dishonesty and makes bankers more likely to cheat, according to the findings of a scientific study or anyone who’s ever seen “Wall Street.”

6. According to a new study, a decline in a person’s thinking ability in older age has been linked to having close personal relationships in middle age that cause stress, problems or worries. Or, as it is more commonly known, marriage.

7. The company behind Lunar Mission One is turning to Kickstarter to raise $1 million by offering people who pledge $90 the chance to send a memory box to the moon to be buried. “How big is the box?” said Ralph Kramden.

8. The Game Show Network announced they will add a horror themed game show next year called “Hellevator.” And even though it hasn’t aired yet, the NFL has already publicly claimed that they haven’t seen it.

9. A man in India is being held in quarantine at the New Delhi airport after traces of Ebola were found in his semen. Either the security measures at the New Delhi airport are very invasive or that guy really loves to fly.

10. A winter storm has dropped over 70 inches of snow on Western New York, stranding motorists, knocking down power lines and threatening to postpone the Buffalo Bills’ weekend matchup with the Jets. So. I guess, it’s not all bad news.