Tag Archives: Real Salt Lake

March 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, dentists may be able to screen patients for diabetes while cleaning their teeth. The way it works is if you’re too fat to fit into the chair for the cleaning, you have diabetes.

2. An amputee athlete training to compete in next year’s Paralympic Games had his $30,000 prosthetic running leg stolen from his car in San Francisco on Thursday. Man, that guy is awful at keeping his leg.

3. According to a new study, men are programmed to want more than one woman, even when in monogamous relationships. Especially when the woman in that monogamous relationship has such hot friends.

4. A Japanese company is reportedly developing a wine for cats. “Look who’s no longer drinking alone,” said single women in their 40s.

5. A Texas man was caught trying to smuggle a two-foot long sword into a jail where his son is being held by hiding it in a cane. Asked why he chose a cane, the man, who was walking very gingerly, said he needed it after the first place he tried to smuggle the sword proved unsuccessful.

6. A recent poll shows that about two-thirds of Americans believe men are generally paid more than women. While the remaining one-third is Stedman.

7. According to a new study, going to sleep early can help stave off mental illness. And, in an unrelated story, Ted Cruz is an insomniac.

8. Retired brain surgeon and potential 2016 presidential candidate Ben Carson caused a stir when he said that prisoners who become gay when they are locked up prove that being gay is a choice. So, from now on, when a task is particularly difficult maybe we should just compare it to rocket science.

9. A Las Vegas hospital accidentally sent twin miscarried fetuses wrapped in linen to a commercial laundry facility on Tuesday. But that’ll happen when you put the laundry bin that close to the trash bin.

10. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give a TED talk later this month. “Who the fuck is this Ted guy?” said Bill.

11. Over the weekend, Jeb Bush told an audience that he is not familiar with the ways of Washington, despite being related to two presidents. “Really? Which two?” said W.

12. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. So scratch off “I’m late to my orgy” from your list of excuses to get out of a ticket.

13. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. “That’ll make life a lot simpler,” said car thieves.

14. With a possible players strike or lockout on the horizon, Major League Soccer on Friday fined Real Salt Lake owner Dell Loy Hansen for making public comments about the ongoing negotiations with the players’ union. Luckily, since he was talking about professional soccer in America, no one was paying any attention.

15. About 15 rare pieces of art were stolen on Sunday morning from the Chinese museum of the Chateau de Fontainebleau, southeast of Paris. “Why do you think we built a wall?” said China.

December 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Willie Nelson is the latest act to cancel a concert at Orlando’s SeaWorld in the wake of the animal abuse documentary “Blackfish.” But, there’s still a good chance that Willie forgets and shows up anyway.

2. Researchers say they have observed alligators using sticks to lure in prey in the wild. No word on whether gators prefer “Come Sail Away” or “Mr. Roboto.”

3. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Although, now that it’s two decades old, I have a feeling the priests are gonna lose interest in it anway.

4. On Monday, North Korea announced the dismissal of Jang Song Thaek, the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un, for what it described as a string of criminal acts including corruption, womanizing and drug abuse. And, somewhere in the world, Rob Ford crosses off “North Korea” on his list of places to visit.

5. Six men suspected of stealing dangerous radioactive cargo from a truck outside Mexico City earlier this week, have been treated at a local hospital for signs of radiation as they remain under police guard. But, it’s not all bad news, as a result of the exposure, we now have six new superheros: the Glowing-Green Mexican, His-Panic, the Gardener, El Hombre Muy Enferma, Dora the Sheer Horror and Leukemia Man.

6. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. “Great, now if I get it fixed will you change the name?” said Tim Peyronie.

7. Sporting Kansas City won its second MLS Cup in dramatic fashion on Saturday, beating Real Salt Lake 7-6 in a penalty shootout. Kansas City will hold the victory parade never, because it’s soccer and no one cares.

8. NBC’s telecast of the musical “The Sound of Music” last week garnered an impressive 18.5 million viewers. Former American Idol winner Carrie Underwood’s performance as Maria received mixed reviews, but everyone agreed fellow A.I. alum Ruben Studdard nailed his role as the Alps.

9. Walt Disney has bought the rights to any future “Indiana Jones” films under an agreement with Paramount Pictures. Reportedly they have already begun work on the next film, “Indiana Jones and Temple of Room-atoid Arthritis.”

10. Republican Senator Rand Paul said on Sunday he is giving serious thought to a run for the presidency in 2016. “That’s great sir, but this is a Radio Shack and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” said the only other person in the room.