April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

January 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.

2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.

3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.

4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.

6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”

7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.

8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”

9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”

10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”

11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.

12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.

13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.

14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.

15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.

16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.

17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.

18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.

19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.

20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”

November 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. “So many mixed emotions,” said KKK members.

2. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. Or, as Carson tells it, “I did travel back in time and chose not to.”

3. The international investigation into alleged doping inside Russian athletics could spread to other Russian sports since they used the same laboratory that now stands accused of covering up failed drugs tests. Because, as Ukraine will tell you, Russia is good at spreading out into other areas.

4. The rare and flawless “Blue Moon Diamond” sold for $48.4 million to a Hong Kong buyer on Wednesday. The last time a diamond ended up costing that much money, Elin Nordegren said “I do.”

5. A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first ever combination pot store and gas station. And you thought it was hard remembering which side your gas tank was on before.

6. Republican Donald Trump said, if elected president, Americans will be saying “Merry Christmas” again. “Happy Hanukkah” will also be acceptable, but “Feliz Navidad” will get you deported.

7. After Donald Trump’s appearance on SNL, NBC may be forced to give airtime to the other Republican presidential candidates under the equal air time rule. As a result, Jeb Bush will appear on “the Biggest Loser, Chris Christie will go on “American Ninja Warrior,” Mike Huckabee will appear on “Undateable,” Dr. Ben Carson will show up on “the Tonight Show,” but he’ll insist he was on “the Today Show,” and Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and Lindsey Graham will all guest star on “Grimm.”

8. Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger has teamed up with the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers to try to build them a stadium in L.A. If he successfully builds a stadium that will house both the Raiders and Chargers, it will undoubtedly be known as the unhappiest place on Earth.

9. Authorities said on Wednesday that a zombie apocalypse had not occurred in central Wisconsin despite the discovery of an empty casket along a rural highway over the weekend. And, even if it did, once the zombies realized they were in Wisconsin, they would probably die again from boredom anyway.

10. Actor Shia LaBoeuf is currently in the middle of a 72-hour film festival/art piece where he will watch all of his films in chronological order at a New York City theater that is open and free to the public. Also free to the public, not watching.

August 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Disney announced the creation of two massive Star Wars expansions at its Disneyland and Disney World resorts. Said Star Wars fans, “Can we get a kid’s rate if we still live in our parent’s basement?”

2. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will really feel like 32 hours.

3. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

4. Donald Trump on Saturday called Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while at the State Department “a criminal problem.” Which, compared to his recent comments about women, is basically a compliment.

5. Donald Trump said Saturday that he’s prepared to spend $1 billion on his campaign if necessary. While fellow Republican candidate Rick Perry wants to know if he can crash on your couch for a bit.

6. In a recent interview, Chicago Cubs manager Joe Madden said he has not changed his socks during his team’s current nine-game winning streak. As a result, the players are considering throwing a game due to the smell.

7. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Even worse, his friend was a 47-year-old drifter.

8. A man in Australia is recovering after receiving 100 stitches on his penis when he was bitten by his dog during a game of fetch. But, on the plus-side, 100 stitches is pretty impressive.

9. Advisors close to Vice President Joe Biden are telling him he needs to decide whether he will run for president in 2016 by October 1st. Which will leave Biden just a month to decide what he wants to be for Halloween.

10. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. But, this is the type of thing that’ll happen when you defund to Planned Parenthood.

July 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Three armed men broke into the Los Angeles home of singer Chris Brown on Wednesday, ordering a woman staying at the residence into a closet and taking cash and electronics. Luckily, since the woman was friends with Brown, she was used to that kind of treatment.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday his net worth has risen to more than $10 billion. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s lawyers.

3. Under a new bill, cheerleaders for pro sports in California will be classified as employees and eligible for benefits such as sick pay. Which is good, because if you’re forced to watch every Oakland Raiders game, you’re gonna need some sick days to recover.

4. Yesterday, Walt Disney announced that it will open its first ever theme park in China come spring 2016. Much like in the U.S., the souvenir shop filled with Disney merchandise will remind Chinese visitors of their childhood, but for vastly different reasons.

5. Research suggests smartphone apps that track how much a person drinks could curb binge drinking and reduce alcoholism rates. Said one such user, “I lost my phone again? HAS ANYONE IN THIS BAR SEEN MY PHONE?”

6. Photos have surfaced showing recently-escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. “You’re hired,” said Malaysian Airlines.

7. President Obama said on Wednesday that there is no precedent for revoking the U.S. Medal of Freedom given to comedian Bill Cosby. Which comes as great news to other Medal recipients who were on the fence about raping people.

8. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. Said one very horny woman, “If you have a better way to dry them I’d love to hear it.”

9. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. So at least they’ll be prepared when those 15 dildos show up for the Oregon Republican primaries.

10. In a recent interview with “Rolling Stone,” singer Tom Petty apologized for using the Confederate flag as a backdrop for his Southern Accent tour in 1985. While Limp Bizkit apologized for touring.

July 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, a bronze bust of comedian Bill Cosby was removed from the Walt Disney World theme park in Florida. Turns out it was a bad idea to put his statue right next to Sleeping Beauty’s.

2. For the first time since being completely wiped out in 1994, lions have been reintroduced into the wild of Rwanda. Because, apparently, the people of Rwanda didn’t have enough to worry about.

3. According to a newly released report, four out of 28 boxes of childrens’ crayons tested positive for asbestos. “So you’re telling me I need to buy at least seven boxes of crayons?” said Casey Anthony.

4. According to reports, New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul had his right index finger amputated on Wednesday after a fireworks accident. While the entire roster of the New York Jets had their ring fingers removes as they have absolutely no need for that finger.

5. An exhibit tracing the history of sneakers opened at the Brooklyn museum on Friday. And, to make the experience more authentic, every tour will be lead by a small, Chinese kid.

6. Actor Tom Selleck is accused by a California agency of unlawfully taking water from a public hydrant to water his ranch while the state is in the middle of a devastating drought. The agency also charged Selleck’s “Three Men and a Baby” co-star Steve Guttenberg with the same violation, but Guttenberg was using the water to bath and drink.

7. Yesterday, on a flight to Bolivia, Pope Francis drank a tea made from coca leaves to ward off altitude sickness. So just to be clear, I can’t bring a bottle of water on a plane, but the Pope can do cocaine? I don’t remember that part of the Bible.

8. Republican Donald Trump on Wednesday said he would win the Latino vote if he gets his party’s nomination claiming he has “a great relationship with the Mexican people.” Said Trump, “Constantly being called an ‘estupido pendejo’ is a good thing, right?”

9. The Kremlin accused Hillary Clinton on Wednesday of making unfounded remarks by including Russia in a list of countries who support hacking. “That’s ridiculous,” said the head of the Kremlin, Evgeny Snowden.

10. On-demand cleaning company Handy was sued this week by a worker arguing she should be classified as an employee not an independent contractor. Although, maybe you should reconsider fighting for the right to say you work for a Handy.

May 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, it was revealed that Charlotte is the name of the new royal baby. And, since she was just born and is not yet potty-trained, that family now has two Charlies who are unable to sit on the throne.

2. Last week, Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer sent a recruitment letter to a three-month-old. Meyer said he sees the kid as a running back since he’s shown the ability to squeeze through tight openings.

3. In a recent speech, new McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook unveiled a turnaround plan for the struggling fast food giant using the phrase “modern, progressive burger company” many times. First step, from now on he will go by Ron McDonald.

4. Samsung and Walt Disney’s Marvel introduced a marketing campaign that uses virtual reality to promote the new “Avengers: Age of Ultron” movie. The technology is so life-like that it can make Johnny Depp feel like he’s actually in a successful movie.

5. According to a new study, football players suffer more concussions during practice than during games. “Joke’s on you, we never practice,” said the Jets.

6. Singer Chris Brown was named by Las Vegas police on Monday as a misdemeanor battery suspect after allegedly punching a man on Sunday during a pick-up basketball game. Those in attendance said it was the best fight they saw all weekend.

7. On Monday, shooting guard Stephen Curry was voted by NBA writers as this season’s MVP. But, if I know anything about curry, they’ll regret that decision in a few hours.

8. A Pakistani election tribunal expelled a senior minister and ally of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif from parliament on Monday for vote rigging in a 2013 election. Sounds like they’re picking up democracy faster than we thought.

9. Yesterday, Kanye announced that he is changing the title of his next album to Swish. “I don’t get the reference,” said the New York Knicks.

10. Today is Cinco de Mayo. Or, as it is known in Mexico, White People Getting Drunk For No Reason day.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.

September 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Walt Disney World announced Friday that construction has begun on a new Epcot attraction based on the animated hit “Frozen.” Because apparently the “it” in “Let It Go” is your money.

2. Sarah Palin and her family were reportedly involved in a brawl at a party in Anchorage, Alaska last week. Mrs. Palin was allegedly personally involved in the scuffle, but, as is her custom, resigned halfway through.

3. It has been announced that Alex Trebek has grown back his famous mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy.” Not to be outdone, host Ryan Seacrest has finally gotten rid of his “beard.”

4. In celebration of the 30th anniversary of Bob Marley’s groundbreaking album “Legends,” Ben and Jerry’s has released a new marijuana-themed ice cream. “Ah, hello?” said half-baked.

5. “Django Unchained” actress Daniele Watts says Los Angeles police allegedly detained her because they thought she was a prostitute. But, on the plus-side, she’ll be the first call if Hollywood ever decides to reboot “Pretty Woman.”

6. Vermont Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders said on Saturday he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Said Hillary Clinton, “I’ll you what I told Bill, there’s no harm in thinking.”

7. Senator Jeff Flake, an Arizona Republican, and Senator Mark Heinrich, a New Mexico Democrat, will star in a reality show set to air next month where they will be stranded on a desert island and forced to work together to survive. And, in future news, Jeff Flake and Mark Heinrich are dead.

8. Tabloid reports that George Clooney and his fiancé Amal Alamuddin would perform their civil marriage ceremony at a London town hall drew small crowds on Friday. But just like audiences at showings of “Monuments Men,” Clooney and Alamuddin were no shows.

9. Sheriff’s deputies in Colorado arrested a 60-year-old woman who pointed a rifle at her neighbor’s 11-year-old son as he practiced his clarinet in their backyard. Said the kid’s parents, “Hey, look, we make him practice outside, so we get it.”

10. According to a report filed in court by lawyers for the National Football League, about one in four NFL players are likely to end up suffering dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease or other cognitive impairments during their lifetime. The statistic is even higher for family members of NFL players.

September 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A glitch in the new John Madden NFL video game has accidentally created a player that is only one foot tall. Said Madden representatives, “That player isn’t one foot tall, he’s normal size, everyone else is on steroids and HGH.”

2. Earlier this week, Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker was suspended for four games for testing positive for the party drug Molly. While Welker’s quarterback Peyton Manning tested positive for Geritol.

3. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.

4. James Richardson, the former spokesperson for the Republican Party, came out as gay yesterday. Said Richardson, “You try being around Ted Cruz all day, every day. That man will turn you.”

5. An deadly albino cobra was captured Thursday after it escaped from its owner into the well-to-do streets of the Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks. The last time Thousand Oaks was this upset about a snake coming into its neighborhood was when Kobe “the Black Mamba” Bryant tried to move in.

6. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.

7. On Thursday, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said he believes expanded legalized sports betting in the U.S. is “inevitable,” and the league is open to participating in it. “I guess I was ahead of my time,” said Tim Donaghy.

8. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”

9. The Walt Disney Company is asking the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to refuse a trademark by electronic music star Deadmau5, who wears a LED-light powered, big-eared mouse head during concerts. And yet, somehow, Will Smith has been able to work in Hollywood for the past 20 years undisturbed.

10. NASA says a newly discovered asteroid will pass “very close” to Earth on Sunday. It’s passing Earth on Sunday and you’re just now discovering it? Step up your game NASA.

11. In a 55-minute long video, al Qaeda announced that it will launch a new branch in India. Said al Qaeda, “You know, it’s really just a numbers game.”

12. Actress Scarlet Johansson gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, on Thursday. The baby was reportedly delivered via C-section, so now she really is ScarJo.

13. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin outlined plans for a ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. Putin said he will stop bombing eastern Ukraine, but I think that’s only because he’s now referring to it as western Russia.

14. On Tuesday, conservative political commentator Glenn Beck used part of his radio show to declare that if Hillary Clinton decides to run in 2016 she will be the next president. Then Beck used the rest of his show to drink and cry into the microphone.

15. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. Or, for free, you can get a really long stick.

16. Venezuela has lashed out at “Legends,” a U.S. TV show, for an episode that mentions Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in connection with the buying of chemical weapons to quell unrest at home. Said Venezuela, “Don’t give him any ideas.”

17. On Friday, the first ever Denny’s restaurant in Manhattan opened its doors. Said Manhattanites, “Finally, I’m able to experience all the ambiance of a high calorie, greasy diner filled with seamy locals who have given up on their dreams without having to go all the way to New Jersey.”

18. On Friday, the frontrunner in the Texas race for Governor, Republican Greg Abbott, pulled out of the only statewide televised debate. But, judging from past results, it doesn’t look like Texas voters put much stock in a candidate’s debating-abilities anyway.

19. A moratorium on U.S. adult sex film productions were lifted on Friday just 24 hours after a performer’s initial HIV test results proved to be a false positive. Which is ironic because failing tests is how most performers ended up in this business to begin with.

20. A new study shows mothers who give birth in areas with higher concentrations of African-Americans are less likely to be educated on breastfeeding in maternity wards than mothers in other communities. The most common misconception, where chocolate milk comes from.